Notes from yesterday

Do I think that my mother loves me as much as my other siblings? No. Wait, I know that she loves me. I know inside her there isn't a difference of love that she feels towards the five of us, I just think she has different ways of showing it. To some of us she shows it often and in an uninhibited manor, to the rest of us, her showing of affection is sporadic and completely determined by what sort of mood she's in. If she's had a good day and we don't do anything to irritate her, which could be something so trivial as to turn the heat off, then we should be able to coexist in a peaceful manner. Which to some people doesn't at all sound like a good relationship between mother and child. Especially mother and daughter. I'm not sure why we're so obsessed with having such a good bond. I won't pretend that it wouldn't be nice if it were different, its not. And I'd like to make sure that I have a better relationship with any children that I might have.

I'm not sure about writing in such an honest manner. But it's not like I have any readers currently and there's always the hope that it'll get lost in the general abyss that is my span of journal entries. And honestly, if I can't be honest with myself, who can I be honest with.

I just did something that I hate and I'm so ashamed of myself. Adam and I were talking the other night about how we try not to stare at people who have physical disability or deformity of some kind. I know he hates it when people stare or make comments on his hair. Well, lovely me, I just did a double take of the gentleman next to me who had what I can only describe as cauliflower ear. You know, the thing that boxers get after being hit in the ear so many times. Well, if you don't know I won't blame you because I only know on account of Adam.

I find spoilt kids so obnoxious. In my imagination, this particular child in which I'm referring to is an only child. His mother looks quite old (how old she actually is, we shall never know) and I imagine that they had many painstaking attempts at IVF before she was graced with a son. And to show her thanks, not just for getting pregnant but getting pregnant with a boy to carry on her husbands name, she dotes on him. From his multicoloured Nike trainers to his DS and PSP which she carries around for his entertainment, it is quite obvious this boy has too much. Mind you, who am I to say what another person can and should give to their child. I don't have children, but if I did, I don't imagine they'd be like this little boy. The sound of his PSP is akin to nails across a chalkboard. And his constant requests for food, despite as his mother said, just having had lunch.

Adam and I just went to purchase me a new laptop for school. My one is old and doesn't give me nearly any of the functions that I need. Just checking my emails is a chore, hence the reason for updating from my blackberry.

------------------

Too tired and beaten down to be optimistic!

*my title is just how I'm feeling now that I'm ready to post. This entry doesn't really explain it. That'd require a whole other entry, time and energy, which I don't have at 1 something in the morning*

I'm still trying to work out the best way to get to uni. Something that's not only efficient but also allows me those extra few minutes in bed. For some reason I'm having a really hard time getting up in the mornings, I think being able to sleep past 9am these past few days has been bad for me. So once again I shall be trying to get into the practise of going to bed early. Which really is easier said than done when you take into account the fact that my husband is an absolute night owl. Or, as I like to call him, a vampire! Sleeps all day (pretty much) and is awake until 3 or 5am sometimes. Which is a result of him currently being unemployed and the fact that his previous job was nights. He got into a pattern of lazy days and sleepless nights. So if I want to spend time with my husband, if he hasn't annoyed me or I him, then I have to stay up a little later than I should. Last night I think I went to bed around 1am. Which some people might not consider late and honestly, 4 years ago I wouldn't have either. Four years ago I might just be coming back from a girls night out, stopping off on the way to get some kind of take out to soak up the booze. But now, I'm older, hopefully wiser and certainly more exhausted than I ever remember! So from tonight I shall be in bed by 10pm at the latest, cause from now on I'm gonna have even earlier mornings than I've had in a long time.

I like being able to update my blog through email. I really have no excuse not to update, not when I can do it directly from my phone. Everyone knows my computer is old and slow! Using it really is unbearable as it takes 20 minutes just to load to the main page, never mind waiting for AOL to load. I also enjoy being able to write throughout the day and then send it along once I'm done. So whenever something comes to mind I can blog about it right then, I don't have to go through a huge battle with my computer first.

A customer told me today that I have a lovely aura. Now I don't really go in for that stuff but I'd imagine my aura as an orange body halo, that's surronded my gray and black storm clouds. Pressing the orange down, keeping it hidden, at bay. Or at least that's how my life feels, like I can't get anything good without something bad on the side. Like every time I order Prime Rib they serve it with a side order of prunes! I guess that's life. I know they say its the journey, not the destination...I just wish my journey was in a Hummer, then I might be a little better protected from all the knocks and bashes xx
------------------

Musing for Thursday

The process of making friends is decidedly harder than I recall. Granted I've known the majority of my friends for several years now and we're all a pretty close gaggle, I find that when given the opportunities to forge new friendships I'm somewhat reluctant. Its not simply the fear of rejection and the unknown, but because once I consider a person a friend they are held close to my heart and done so with the expectation that this friendship will last for many years to come. Its evident with most adults that once you reach past the playground games and high school clicks that you want to form a solid friendship. Or several solid friendships. Or perhaps I shouldn't speak for the population at large and only for myself. I like to form solid friendships as I've seen the benefits of growing with someone over a decade or so. There are many, many trying times that I wouldn't have been able make it through without the help of my two best friends. Whether I needed someone to moan with or someone to get drunk with, we've seen each other through everything, heartbreaks, pregnancies, death. We have literally guided one another back from the edges of insanity and despair.

My goodness, people are vicious on trains. If I thought buses were bad I was yet to learn, yet to experience. The desire to get one of the very limited seats on a train causes people to ignore the usual social etiquettes whereby a gentleman would stand so a pregnant lady could sit. Or a young person would stand for someone in their later years who have already done their service to this country. The desire, nay, the need to sit on the journey home turns us all from decent human beings into animals scurrying for a scrap of comfort!

Tuesday night Adam and I went over to Shadi's for pizza and wine. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that this visit resulted in me missing my spinning class or the shameful fact that I indulged (all too much) in 3 glasses of wine and four slices of pizza. Ultimately, ruined diet aside, it was nice getting out of the house and seeing Shadi. It had been a long time, mostly because we had a little falling out a few weeks back and our schedules denied us the time to bond again in person. Thankfully, we have on of those great friendships where you don't have to live in each others pockets, because frankly I don't do too well with that. You might not think that someone with an online journal can be private, but I am. What I show to the world and what I keep for myself are so very different. I'm not sure if Adam even gets to see and know all the different dimensions of his wife. Don't ask me why I'm like that, I think I'd need to pay someone to show me the answer. Of course, I wouldn't choose to be this way, maybe I've spent too long in my own shell. But its one of the things Adam recognised about me right from day one, and he didn't turn and run. The best thing about being married is having someone who sees you, warts and all, but loves you enough to keep showing up every day.

Hmm. I realise this post is far from cohesive, but its my thoughts throughout the day. Voila! xx
------------------

Introducing myself to myself

I used to blog regularly, even before I stared my online journal, I'd keep a paper journal. And its nice to know that I can flick through those pages and introduce myself to my fifteen year old self, laugh at the trivial problems that had me teetering on the edge of insanity. And of course, its the best feeling to browse through my online journal and about my first (and only) real love. To watch myself progress through the stages of falling in love, including the does he doesn't he stage, and the terribly sappy poetry stage, to get to the forever after stage. Which really isn't like you imagine it to be, its not so much a permanent state of "And they lived happily ever after" but more of a roller coaster of happiness and despair. And the most torturous experience of despising someone on moment and then loving them more that you actually thought possible the next. One thing that I will say about love that I think they missed in the fairy tales is, it keeps on coming. Keeps on growing. Keeps on surprising you. As you go through each trial, it gets stronger. I don't know why some couples stop loving each other, right now, I can't imagine seeing that as a possibility, there's so much of it. More likely I think ones ego gets in the way, pride and rage take over and you can't accept the love that you once clung to. Well, I don't know. Hopefully I won't ever know.

Things right now are exciting for me, I have just started my university course for Creative Writing and Politics. Hopefully, over the next few months I shall notice a different in my writing style.
I might have more to write, but for right now, I'm more interested in spending time with my husband. Downside to having a desk top, hopefully I can purchase a laptop next week...roll on pay day!

Today was a rather uneventful day. Work and home. I feel like I need to take up another activity that will bring me some kind of pleasure, a hobby of some kind. But there is not much that I am bothered or can afford to do, usually I like to read, but that doesn't get me out of the house. I need a break from my routine of work, home, work, home, work, home. Well, you get it. And its dull. Maybe I should arrange a girly dinner each month, have some fun with my girl friends. Who knows. I would like to be able to spend more time with my husband. Right now, Adam and I are on different schedules. Usually, when I'm at work he's at home and when I'm at home he's at work. And as he works the late shift and will soon be working nights, when I'm ready for bed he's wide awake and when I'm wide awake he's asleep. I really hope this doesn't continue on for too long, else we'll have no clue what's going on in each others lives. Mind you, Adam has always been a night owl where as I like to be tucked under the covers by 10pm. He'd rather go out and really, I'd rather stay in. His body temperature is always so cold and mine is so hot. Just little differences.

I am about to get my license changed over to my married name, only cost £20 so I don't mind. I am still putting off doing my passport because it costs a small fortune that we don't have right now. Wednesday is pay day and that means time to pay all the bills, maybe there might be a little something left over so I can treat myself to a new outfit. My wardrobe is so outdated. Mind you, nothing fits me since I've put on so much weight. Need to shift the pounds before the summer arrives properly. Always a weight issue.

My three goals for 2010;

• Go back to University *check*
• Loose Weight ****erm...
• Pass my driving test ****erm ...

So far two out of three, but I have set myself the goal of August to have achieved the last two. Really, I dont think I'm asking for much. It'll just take a little will power! xx

This month marked my one year wedding anniversary, April 18th to be exact. To think that a whole year has gone by already is something I can completely believe. Because it has been a difficult year and Adam & I have been through a great deal. Both as individuals and as part of a duo. I've had health problems and Adam has had a very difficult time finding steady work. As a couple who never really had the opportunity to live together and get to know one another at that level, it has all be quite a lot. We were and suppose still are, in the process of adjusting to one another, so if you add on top of that other external stress, it makes for a turbulent year. And I had to wonder if our love and committment to each other was strong enough to make it through. We regularly have to take time out and seriously discuss the state of our marriage and reconnect with one another. I didn't expect for married life to always be wonderful and rosy, I knew we would have difficult times and I'm glad that Adam and I are able to always remain on the same page of wanting us to succeed.
I know that as a married couple, we still have lots to learn, after all we are just babies in the marriage game. Lot's to learn about what we want from each other and lot's to learn about how to best get along and make time for each other. But I know, with all that we've been through already, we can always come back to a place of love. And as long as we have that, we will always have a reason to keep on going.

Adam & Shermeen married since 18/04/09

Musing for 2010

I find myself with so much to think about now that we enter a new year. Mostly about mistakes I've made and things I didn't do right. Changes I want to make, to myself, for myself. And for my future with Adam.

I don't know if I feel like I'm living life, most days I just feel like I'm existing. Going through the day by day routines but getting very little pleasure out of life. I think that's the difference between living and existing, whether or not you're happy with life and get any pleasure out of the things you do. There are things that I do occasionally that bring me joy, like spending the day with my nieces and nephews or having dinner and drinks with friends. Of course spending time with Adam brings be joy, he is my love. But my job, doesn't bring be any joy. Any pleasure. Any level of purpose or fulfilment. And I feel I need more direction in this area of my life. What career path do I want to choose, because at this point in my life I still have time to choose but it has to be the right choice.
------------------