There's a song by The Script that I'm particularly liking right now called Breakeven, so its going round and round on itunes. I would like to have it on my ipod but I'm still in the process of transferring all my songs from my computer to my laptop, all that annoying Jazz that I don't have time for. And though the song is about love lost, it speaks to me. Or at least the line, "I'm falling to pieces" does. That's how I feel, like im constantly trying to hold myself together. Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I did have a minute of contentment, where I felt happy to be back in school and focusing on my writing. But a few hours later, once I'd returned to reality my old friend depression came back too and I was wondering if I had indeed made a big mistake returning to studies. Not that developing my education and myself is ever a bad thing, just that given the circumstances, maybe this isn't the best time. Well, I won't know that. Darn hindsight for not showing up before everything goes to the crapper!

Things with Adam and I are much better than my last post, I feel like we've really connected again. Which I love, we do seem to go through periods like this, where he forgets what romance is and I attempt not to be demanding and clingy by avoiding the situation. What can I say, we're still learning.

School and work have created an alliance to kick my butt and test me to the limit and honestly, alone I could not stand all the things going on in my life. Lucky me for getting the husbandly support. OK, well, I am heading to bed. Cause its late and I'm up at 6am. Adam has coerced me into having one beer to help me sleep. I won't need it, but watching that glorious yellow liquid perspire, I know I'll drink it anyway!

I'm pretty sure that i'm going to hear some complaining from my wonderful husband about my not going to the gym with him tonight. It will, in all probabilty, lead to an argument as it usually does. And though I will protest about being tired and not having had time to myself all week to relax. Add to that the fact that each week is a new mountain load of work for university, he will still complain that I haven't gone it two weeks. Therefore, I've only been gaining weight, not loosing weight. Do I want to be healthy? Yes. I've had the conversation with myself countless times, I don't want to end up with "the sugar" and have to depend on medication. I don't want to be so overweight that I can't one day have children or be able to play with my children. I want to be able to wear nice clothes and actually feel attractive. Feel like my husband wants to touch me, not has to touch me. And he might think that I don't know it, but I know he looks back on pictures of me a few years ago when I was slimmer and wonders "what happened!??!". So do I. Life happened. As it is now, when I'm going to school full time and working full time and taking care of our domestics full time. And the fact that he's not working right now, the knowledge that everything is on me. What I put in decides whether we sink or swim. And right now I feel like the waves are coming hard and fast and I just keep swallowing the water. I forget that this started out with the whole gym thing and I'm taking it in the poverty and despair direction...I guess because those two things make up the bulk of my life these days.
I wonder sometimes, if I could talk to my 18 year old self, what would I say to me?
My life now isn't like I thought it would be, in fact it is so far from what I thought it would be, other than being married to Adam I suppose. I spend time looking at photos and reading old journal entries and I feel so far from that person, though it was only 6 years ago. Sometimes, I'm actually disgusted with that person. Ashamed to have been her, to have thought the way she did and done the things she done. I think thats maybe because I'm a different person now. I don't love the way she did, openly and without question. But that is what life does to you, it makes you harder. It treats you like a piece of dough, being kneaded and tossed around until you eventually realise you've been ruined. That, not only are you know longer that person, but you don't want to be. Who wants to me someone who's always hurt? Always being overlooked and badly treated. Nobody. Not I. Only, I am. And boy do I hate that I am. That I let the people that I love most and who should love me most, treat me bad. Make me feel worthless.
For as long as I remember I always felt like I wasn't loved by my mother the same way my sister was (I touched on that in a previous entry), and I always felt that I was put down whilst she was praised. And I got to this stage where I retreated inside myself. I spent a lot of time reading and writing and ultimately imaging. I'd hope and wish that one day I could meet someone who would truly see me for the person and I am and who would love me like nobody ever had. We would be the great love story that movies were made of. I think movies seriously screwed up romance and relationships, it gives us the wrong impression of what love looks like. It took me awhile to realise that I truly loved Adam, and that was years after we first met and had said I love you countless times. I really understood what it meant to love someone after his brother died, being with him and witnessing his pain. Wanting to take it away, wanting never to have him be in pain ever again. That was when I realised, that I truly love Adam. The until death do us part kinda love, which is still much harder than just saying the words cause sometimes, my husband can me mean! Of course our definitions of mean differ greatly. He doesn't seem to get that he is, for me, the person to turn to. The only person I have to turn to because I don't open up and trust that many people. I'm super private, except, I guess here.

Oh my bootie hurts from sitting on this chair for too long. I shall try and post again tomorrow at some point. I havent read though this and I'm sure it does make much sense, but getting out of me and on to the screen is the most important thing. Doesn't matter what it reads like.

I'm finding that I'm really gonna have to be on top of managing my time. The workload at uni is a lot, especially considering that its only the first week. But everything that I'm doing, I enjoy. Its really exciting actually and I love being encouraged to write. I also love the talent level in my classes, having people who are talented and passionate about writing makes such a difference. It forces you to work that little bit harder and produce work that is better than you imagined. And I have a good imagination!

Juggling work and school shouldn't be too difficult, I'm just concerned (as always) about Adam and my financial situation. Will we have enough money to get by over the coming months? I'm not sure. And I'm not going to working as much, Adam is not working at all. Yet we still have all the same expenses each month. Trying to think about where we can cut back is difficult, but we're not left with much choice. I actually don't want to dwell on this any longer or it will cause me to become even more depressed!

The kids are coming over to stay this weekend, I'm excited. Its funny, I used to call them The Babies, but I guess somewhere along the line I've realised that they've grown up. I wonder how motherhood feels when I'm around them, because I love them all so much, is it possible that you can love a child more just because they hold yours and your husbands DNA? I like to wonder what our kids will be and look like. Which of our traits they'll display and if we can see ourselves in them. We're a long way off from that, but sometimes I can spend a lazy afternoon thinking about that.
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Notes from yesterday

Do I think that my mother loves me as much as my other siblings? No. Wait, I know that she loves me. I know inside her there isn't a difference of love that she feels towards the five of us, I just think she has different ways of showing it. To some of us she shows it often and in an uninhibited manor, to the rest of us, her showing of affection is sporadic and completely determined by what sort of mood she's in. If she's had a good day and we don't do anything to irritate her, which could be something so trivial as to turn the heat off, then we should be able to coexist in a peaceful manner. Which to some people doesn't at all sound like a good relationship between mother and child. Especially mother and daughter. I'm not sure why we're so obsessed with having such a good bond. I won't pretend that it wouldn't be nice if it were different, its not. And I'd like to make sure that I have a better relationship with any children that I might have.

I'm not sure about writing in such an honest manner. But it's not like I have any readers currently and there's always the hope that it'll get lost in the general abyss that is my span of journal entries. And honestly, if I can't be honest with myself, who can I be honest with.

I just did something that I hate and I'm so ashamed of myself. Adam and I were talking the other night about how we try not to stare at people who have physical disability or deformity of some kind. I know he hates it when people stare or make comments on his hair. Well, lovely me, I just did a double take of the gentleman next to me who had what I can only describe as cauliflower ear. You know, the thing that boxers get after being hit in the ear so many times. Well, if you don't know I won't blame you because I only know on account of Adam.

I find spoilt kids so obnoxious. In my imagination, this particular child in which I'm referring to is an only child. His mother looks quite old (how old she actually is, we shall never know) and I imagine that they had many painstaking attempts at IVF before she was graced with a son. And to show her thanks, not just for getting pregnant but getting pregnant with a boy to carry on her husbands name, she dotes on him. From his multicoloured Nike trainers to his DS and PSP which she carries around for his entertainment, it is quite obvious this boy has too much. Mind you, who am I to say what another person can and should give to their child. I don't have children, but if I did, I don't imagine they'd be like this little boy. The sound of his PSP is akin to nails across a chalkboard. And his constant requests for food, despite as his mother said, just having had lunch.

Adam and I just went to purchase me a new laptop for school. My one is old and doesn't give me nearly any of the functions that I need. Just checking my emails is a chore, hence the reason for updating from my blackberry.

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Too tired and beaten down to be optimistic!

*my title is just how I'm feeling now that I'm ready to post. This entry doesn't really explain it. That'd require a whole other entry, time and energy, which I don't have at 1 something in the morning*

I'm still trying to work out the best way to get to uni. Something that's not only efficient but also allows me those extra few minutes in bed. For some reason I'm having a really hard time getting up in the mornings, I think being able to sleep past 9am these past few days has been bad for me. So once again I shall be trying to get into the practise of going to bed early. Which really is easier said than done when you take into account the fact that my husband is an absolute night owl. Or, as I like to call him, a vampire! Sleeps all day (pretty much) and is awake until 3 or 5am sometimes. Which is a result of him currently being unemployed and the fact that his previous job was nights. He got into a pattern of lazy days and sleepless nights. So if I want to spend time with my husband, if he hasn't annoyed me or I him, then I have to stay up a little later than I should. Last night I think I went to bed around 1am. Which some people might not consider late and honestly, 4 years ago I wouldn't have either. Four years ago I might just be coming back from a girls night out, stopping off on the way to get some kind of take out to soak up the booze. But now, I'm older, hopefully wiser and certainly more exhausted than I ever remember! So from tonight I shall be in bed by 10pm at the latest, cause from now on I'm gonna have even earlier mornings than I've had in a long time.

I like being able to update my blog through email. I really have no excuse not to update, not when I can do it directly from my phone. Everyone knows my computer is old and slow! Using it really is unbearable as it takes 20 minutes just to load to the main page, never mind waiting for AOL to load. I also enjoy being able to write throughout the day and then send it along once I'm done. So whenever something comes to mind I can blog about it right then, I don't have to go through a huge battle with my computer first.

A customer told me today that I have a lovely aura. Now I don't really go in for that stuff but I'd imagine my aura as an orange body halo, that's surronded my gray and black storm clouds. Pressing the orange down, keeping it hidden, at bay. Or at least that's how my life feels, like I can't get anything good without something bad on the side. Like every time I order Prime Rib they serve it with a side order of prunes! I guess that's life. I know they say its the journey, not the destination...I just wish my journey was in a Hummer, then I might be a little better protected from all the knocks and bashes xx
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Musing for Thursday

The process of making friends is decidedly harder than I recall. Granted I've known the majority of my friends for several years now and we're all a pretty close gaggle, I find that when given the opportunities to forge new friendships I'm somewhat reluctant. Its not simply the fear of rejection and the unknown, but because once I consider a person a friend they are held close to my heart and done so with the expectation that this friendship will last for many years to come. Its evident with most adults that once you reach past the playground games and high school clicks that you want to form a solid friendship. Or several solid friendships. Or perhaps I shouldn't speak for the population at large and only for myself. I like to form solid friendships as I've seen the benefits of growing with someone over a decade or so. There are many, many trying times that I wouldn't have been able make it through without the help of my two best friends. Whether I needed someone to moan with or someone to get drunk with, we've seen each other through everything, heartbreaks, pregnancies, death. We have literally guided one another back from the edges of insanity and despair.

My goodness, people are vicious on trains. If I thought buses were bad I was yet to learn, yet to experience. The desire to get one of the very limited seats on a train causes people to ignore the usual social etiquettes whereby a gentleman would stand so a pregnant lady could sit. Or a young person would stand for someone in their later years who have already done their service to this country. The desire, nay, the need to sit on the journey home turns us all from decent human beings into animals scurrying for a scrap of comfort!

Tuesday night Adam and I went over to Shadi's for pizza and wine. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that this visit resulted in me missing my spinning class or the shameful fact that I indulged (all too much) in 3 glasses of wine and four slices of pizza. Ultimately, ruined diet aside, it was nice getting out of the house and seeing Shadi. It had been a long time, mostly because we had a little falling out a few weeks back and our schedules denied us the time to bond again in person. Thankfully, we have on of those great friendships where you don't have to live in each others pockets, because frankly I don't do too well with that. You might not think that someone with an online journal can be private, but I am. What I show to the world and what I keep for myself are so very different. I'm not sure if Adam even gets to see and know all the different dimensions of his wife. Don't ask me why I'm like that, I think I'd need to pay someone to show me the answer. Of course, I wouldn't choose to be this way, maybe I've spent too long in my own shell. But its one of the things Adam recognised about me right from day one, and he didn't turn and run. The best thing about being married is having someone who sees you, warts and all, but loves you enough to keep showing up every day.

Hmm. I realise this post is far from cohesive, but its my thoughts throughout the day. Voila! xx
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Introducing myself to myself

I used to blog regularly, even before I stared my online journal, I'd keep a paper journal. And its nice to know that I can flick through those pages and introduce myself to my fifteen year old self, laugh at the trivial problems that had me teetering on the edge of insanity. And of course, its the best feeling to browse through my online journal and about my first (and only) real love. To watch myself progress through the stages of falling in love, including the does he doesn't he stage, and the terribly sappy poetry stage, to get to the forever after stage. Which really isn't like you imagine it to be, its not so much a permanent state of "And they lived happily ever after" but more of a roller coaster of happiness and despair. And the most torturous experience of despising someone on moment and then loving them more that you actually thought possible the next. One thing that I will say about love that I think they missed in the fairy tales is, it keeps on coming. Keeps on growing. Keeps on surprising you. As you go through each trial, it gets stronger. I don't know why some couples stop loving each other, right now, I can't imagine seeing that as a possibility, there's so much of it. More likely I think ones ego gets in the way, pride and rage take over and you can't accept the love that you once clung to. Well, I don't know. Hopefully I won't ever know.

Things right now are exciting for me, I have just started my university course for Creative Writing and Politics. Hopefully, over the next few months I shall notice a different in my writing style.
I might have more to write, but for right now, I'm more interested in spending time with my husband. Downside to having a desk top, hopefully I can purchase a laptop next week...roll on pay day!