The concept that we're all social beings doesn't exactly ring true to me, I just no longer feel social, in terms of making plans to interact with anybody other than the people I have to. I'm perfectly content for my world to be limited to engaging with my family, university and work colleagues. And even then I sometimes think that that's too much. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, it's just that I often can't be bothered with the hassle of having to pretend that everything is going swimmingly. And when I do get the time which most people would spend socialising, I'm more interested in relaxing with a good book or catching up on my TV shows. I don't really have any external hobbies, the closest I could get would be my sporadic attempts at the gym. That's not to say that I wouldn't like hobbies, it just comes back to the issue of money and time. Oh but how I'd love to try my hand at dancing and gymnastics. I often think about joining a tennis club during the summer months as I never have anyone to play with. But its an idea that is always put on hold for when our financial situation is better.

I was looking over my previous blog, the one I had for years on AOL before they kicked us out. It's nice because there are circumstances that I've thankfully graduated from, but then there are still things which are central to my life. Such as Adam and family dramas. But what I'm noticing the most is the content difference. I've gone from being someone who is quite carefree, writing about the most abstract things, to being currently bogged down with life and it's stresses. Every day there is a new challenge to be faced or obstacle to overcome, I read somewhere that it's these very obstacles that sort the men from the boys. Well, I'm neither, though I like to think myself one tough cookie. Adam usually reminds me that I'm not.

Tonight whilst scanning some internet pages, I came across a blog and webpage dedicated to helping Black Women find/date/marry White Men. I honestly had no idea there were even groups like that out there and I've belonged to some pretty out there online support groups; "My name is Shermeen and I have an anal fissure" was not one of my finest moments but definitely a wise move given the advice. Anyway, as a black woman married to a white man, I'm always feeling judged by people. Namely other black people, who enjoy giving us looks or assume that we're not married because we're two different races. I'm not gonna go down race avenue, don't worry. I was just glad to see that there were other women out there who recognised that this is an issue, there is a market for such a group, so why not. This makes me wonder what else you can find online, a support group for men who wear incontinence pads maybe? Or one for girls who hate werewolves but LOVE JACOB BLACK??? I think I shall investigate!

Today's issue is literally one of, if Adam cannot find a job soon, are we both going to move to America?

I'm not sure why I've phrased that as a question, perhaps my doing that is telling of how I actually feel. Adam has decided to return to America if the work situation doesn't change. The problem is that I'm not ready to do that yet. We've always discussed it in terms of staying here for three more years, then applying for me to move there.
The thought of having to leave early next year does not bring me any kind of joy, mostly just feelings of fear and regret. I don't want to have to quit my course. I honestly feel like its unfair of me to have to give up on my passion, being encouraged to write as school has been so good for my soul. But, I am aware that Adam has given up a lot to move countries and struggle each day just to get by. Ultimately, the question in regards to school is whether or not I would put it before my marriage??? Its not just about learning, its about personal growth. I've felt so much better about myself since I started this course, I've learnt so much about myself...But no, I wouldn't put school before my marriage. I've made a commitment to Adam and honestly, I hate seeing him unhappy. Also, but what if I choose Adam over school and I one day come to regret it???
The second problem that I have is in regards to my family and friends. I know that having to say goodbye to my nieces and nephew will be unbearable. I've always known this, it's nothing new. But my youngest niece is only three and I'm her favourite auntie and whilst I acknowledge that there are webcams and telephones, its not the same. I don't want her or any of them forgetting who I am. I just wanted a little more time to bond with them.
So, thus far I've got school and family/friends for reasons that I don't want to leave just yet. I'm also worried that I'd be miserable over there because we didn't get to wait the extra three years that I wanted. I would have no family or friends, no real job prospects. I'd be unable to work until my greencard was approved, I can't drive. I'd be in a place I'd never been before. What if we just end up exchanging Adams misery for my misery? What if our living in different countries wasn't the worst part about being in a long distance relationship, what if the worst part is in fact trying to find a place where you both feel at home?

I'm hoping that Adam does find a job and that it lasts the three years I need it to last, because otherwise I don't see us finding a happy middle ground.

working this out

Whilst our countries might not currently be at odds, Adam and I are.

I like being married, to Adam

I like being married. Though what in particular I like about it, I'm not sure I could say. Maybe what I should say is, I like being married to Adam, because of course, who are married to effects how you feel about the institution. To say that things are difficult and stressful in my life right now would be a large understatement. Adam and I are constantly being knocked down by life, but as they say, its not about how many times you get hit, its about how many times you keep getting up. Right now, it's all a learning experience. We're learning about ourselves as individuals, how we cope with stress and pressures and also about us as a couple, how we communicate through difficult times.
There are permanent financial pressures with Adam being out of work and then there are numerous let downs as we attempt to climb out of this mess. Of course I'm still pondering over whether I made the wrong decision in going back to school. Which, I need to stop, because the decision has been made and I'm not going to drop out. Adam was hoping he could get into security, the particular course he was interested in had a scheme where your training is paid for. And as our luck would have it, he's not eligible because he's not from within the EU. Which honestly, hasn't Britain had a much better relationship with America than most of the nations in the European Union!?! Going through these immigration procedures I have come to discover that there is not special relationship between the UK and the US. We just haven't done anything to piss each other off in awhile. That's all. And I don't think that just because someone was born within Europe they should be entitled to certain perks in the UK. I won't go into my extreme opinions on immigration cause i'm trying to build up a readership here and I'm certain to piss someone off.

The problem I have with afternoons is this, no nap time. After lunch, I always get a little sleepy, be it at work or at school. And I'd love more than anything to have a nice cosy place to curl up and lay my head, catch up on some of my missed sleep. It does children good, helping them grow or whatever, well I think it could do a lot of good for adults too. Helping us to recenter ourselves, de-stress, relax...essentially I think we could get all the perks of an amazing yoga class through an hours power nap.

There is a young lady behind me doing math. Math. At university level, are you insane!? Well, of course everyone has their niche, what they're good at. For me, math is not even close to what I'm good at. I'm not even sure I know what I'm good at other than to know that it is not math. I thought I'd update from uni as I have some spare time on my hands and when I get home tonight I've a lot of work to be doing...possibly after a power nap. If I can get 30mins of silence in my house. Its not always possible. Oh how I long for the days when Adam and I have our own place and need only to rely on and take care of each other. That's the dream anyway.

Well, I'm gonna go back to reading and possibly falling asleep, given how tired I am that might happen and I'd miss the seminar I waited around for four hours to attend. How pissed I would be at myself!

There's a song by The Script that I'm particularly liking right now called Breakeven, so its going round and round on itunes. I would like to have it on my ipod but I'm still in the process of transferring all my songs from my computer to my laptop, all that annoying Jazz that I don't have time for. And though the song is about love lost, it speaks to me. Or at least the line, "I'm falling to pieces" does. That's how I feel, like im constantly trying to hold myself together. Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I did have a minute of contentment, where I felt happy to be back in school and focusing on my writing. But a few hours later, once I'd returned to reality my old friend depression came back too and I was wondering if I had indeed made a big mistake returning to studies. Not that developing my education and myself is ever a bad thing, just that given the circumstances, maybe this isn't the best time. Well, I won't know that. Darn hindsight for not showing up before everything goes to the crapper!

Things with Adam and I are much better than my last post, I feel like we've really connected again. Which I love, we do seem to go through periods like this, where he forgets what romance is and I attempt not to be demanding and clingy by avoiding the situation. What can I say, we're still learning.

School and work have created an alliance to kick my butt and test me to the limit and honestly, alone I could not stand all the things going on in my life. Lucky me for getting the husbandly support. OK, well, I am heading to bed. Cause its late and I'm up at 6am. Adam has coerced me into having one beer to help me sleep. I won't need it, but watching that glorious yellow liquid perspire, I know I'll drink it anyway!

I'm pretty sure that i'm going to hear some complaining from my wonderful husband about my not going to the gym with him tonight. It will, in all probabilty, lead to an argument as it usually does. And though I will protest about being tired and not having had time to myself all week to relax. Add to that the fact that each week is a new mountain load of work for university, he will still complain that I haven't gone it two weeks. Therefore, I've only been gaining weight, not loosing weight. Do I want to be healthy? Yes. I've had the conversation with myself countless times, I don't want to end up with "the sugar" and have to depend on medication. I don't want to be so overweight that I can't one day have children or be able to play with my children. I want to be able to wear nice clothes and actually feel attractive. Feel like my husband wants to touch me, not has to touch me. And he might think that I don't know it, but I know he looks back on pictures of me a few years ago when I was slimmer and wonders "what happened!??!". So do I. Life happened. As it is now, when I'm going to school full time and working full time and taking care of our domestics full time. And the fact that he's not working right now, the knowledge that everything is on me. What I put in decides whether we sink or swim. And right now I feel like the waves are coming hard and fast and I just keep swallowing the water. I forget that this started out with the whole gym thing and I'm taking it in the poverty and despair direction...I guess because those two things make up the bulk of my life these days.
I wonder sometimes, if I could talk to my 18 year old self, what would I say to me?
My life now isn't like I thought it would be, in fact it is so far from what I thought it would be, other than being married to Adam I suppose. I spend time looking at photos and reading old journal entries and I feel so far from that person, though it was only 6 years ago. Sometimes, I'm actually disgusted with that person. Ashamed to have been her, to have thought the way she did and done the things she done. I think thats maybe because I'm a different person now. I don't love the way she did, openly and without question. But that is what life does to you, it makes you harder. It treats you like a piece of dough, being kneaded and tossed around until you eventually realise you've been ruined. That, not only are you know longer that person, but you don't want to be. Who wants to me someone who's always hurt? Always being overlooked and badly treated. Nobody. Not I. Only, I am. And boy do I hate that I am. That I let the people that I love most and who should love me most, treat me bad. Make me feel worthless.
For as long as I remember I always felt like I wasn't loved by my mother the same way my sister was (I touched on that in a previous entry), and I always felt that I was put down whilst she was praised. And I got to this stage where I retreated inside myself. I spent a lot of time reading and writing and ultimately imaging. I'd hope and wish that one day I could meet someone who would truly see me for the person and I am and who would love me like nobody ever had. We would be the great love story that movies were made of. I think movies seriously screwed up romance and relationships, it gives us the wrong impression of what love looks like. It took me awhile to realise that I truly loved Adam, and that was years after we first met and had said I love you countless times. I really understood what it meant to love someone after his brother died, being with him and witnessing his pain. Wanting to take it away, wanting never to have him be in pain ever again. That was when I realised, that I truly love Adam. The until death do us part kinda love, which is still much harder than just saying the words cause sometimes, my husband can me mean! Of course our definitions of mean differ greatly. He doesn't seem to get that he is, for me, the person to turn to. The only person I have to turn to because I don't open up and trust that many people. I'm super private, except, I guess here.

Oh my bootie hurts from sitting on this chair for too long. I shall try and post again tomorrow at some point. I havent read though this and I'm sure it does make much sense, but getting out of me and on to the screen is the most important thing. Doesn't matter what it reads like.

I'm finding that I'm really gonna have to be on top of managing my time. The workload at uni is a lot, especially considering that its only the first week. But everything that I'm doing, I enjoy. Its really exciting actually and I love being encouraged to write. I also love the talent level in my classes, having people who are talented and passionate about writing makes such a difference. It forces you to work that little bit harder and produce work that is better than you imagined. And I have a good imagination!

Juggling work and school shouldn't be too difficult, I'm just concerned (as always) about Adam and my financial situation. Will we have enough money to get by over the coming months? I'm not sure. And I'm not going to working as much, Adam is not working at all. Yet we still have all the same expenses each month. Trying to think about where we can cut back is difficult, but we're not left with much choice. I actually don't want to dwell on this any longer or it will cause me to become even more depressed!

The kids are coming over to stay this weekend, I'm excited. Its funny, I used to call them The Babies, but I guess somewhere along the line I've realised that they've grown up. I wonder how motherhood feels when I'm around them, because I love them all so much, is it possible that you can love a child more just because they hold yours and your husbands DNA? I like to wonder what our kids will be and look like. Which of our traits they'll display and if we can see ourselves in them. We're a long way off from that, but sometimes I can spend a lazy afternoon thinking about that.
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