Prostitute Laundry

I spent most of today, actually all of today, doing laundry. Our washing machine had broken down earlier in the year and so I'd let a LOT of clothes pile up. I'm getting through them all slowly but surely, ironing and putting them away as I go. Hoping this will save me time in the future. I still have a lot of towels and bed sheets to wash. And I also have to go through and thin the herd, I have a lot of clothes that I don't and won't be wearing again, which I plan to donate. I have an awful lot of t-shirts but part of my weight loss goal is to get out of sweatpants and t-shirts and in to some sexy clothes!

I actually hadn't realised just how much weight I've gained over the past three years, it's really quite shocking when I look at pictures. I guess, day to day it can creep up on you. And I'm also a fan of the belief that once you have a boyfriend/husband, you start to let yourself go. I think its true, only because you forget that you should still want to catch the eye of the man you love. I hope that when I see Adam again, he's impressed. And ultimately, I want to feel more confident, which I do not right now. I'm still letting Jillian Michael's kick my butt via dvd and it's getting easier day by day, though I'm still not ready to progress to level two yet.

The job hunt feels like it will never come to an end and I'm having to be practical in what I can honestly accomplish in regards to immigrating, if I don't find a new job soon. Thankfully, Adam is working and can help.

I miss having my husband here, last night I had a dream that someone broke into the house and so of course, I couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour. Every little sound made me jump and living in London, there are lots of little sounds. To be honest, I'm not sure why it would make me feel more comfortable to have Adam here because it's virtually impossible to wake him up sometimes...still, having my big strong husband would have helped.

Tired, sore, hungry...time to call the husband xx

Brief Update

I figured it was about time for a new post.

One of my best friends got engaged over the weekend! I'm super happy for her and I already plan to come back in 2013 for her wedding!

Adam and I are still in this immigration process. Of course, these kinds of thing don't happen over night and we're aware that we shall be apart until probably August. Missing our 2nd wedding anniversary and my birthday but it will be worth it to finally be able to say "Never Again!".

I'm hunting for a new job and the job market is not very friendly. So far I've only been offered one job, working in a betting shop, which I had to turn down for numerous reasons. At this point, I'm looking for any kind of job that will help me pay bills and complete my immigration process. Thank goodness Adam is working in the US and he has a good job (something he couldn't find in London) because he's gonna buy me a new passport for our wedding anniversary. Since we got married in 09 I haven't had the spare funds to get my passport updated, of course now I need to have it done for when I immigrate. I guess you know that the honeymoon is over when you ask your spouse to buy you a passport for your wedding anniversary! lol! Though in our defence, we didn't actually have a honeymoon.

Today I enjoyed a very Fat Tuesday, ate lot's of pancakes dripping in Lemon juice and Sugar. Even rolled one with chocolate spread, delish. Tomorrow I'm getting back to the diet hard, gonna focus on weight loss for Lent. I know typically you give up bad foods but this year I've decided to give up these extra rolls of fat I'm carrying around.

Speaking of Lent, tomorrow I'm going to Church for Ash Wednesday. I cannot tell you the last time I went to Church and if I'm being honest, God and I haven't been having the best relationship of late. I want to work on it, one of us has to make the first move, so I'm going to Church and I'm gonna pray.

I have finally decided on career that I would love! Social Work. I'm not sure why I never thought of it before, especially considering I've always had such strong opinions in regards to providing children with the right starting blocks to succeed. Of course it means re-training and I have no idea about how the college system works in the US. How much it would cost. If it'd be eligible to get a loan. How to have my grades transferred over. There is a lot to think about but at least I know what I want to do...just have to make it happen.

I have an abundance of laundry to do and I'm about to start on my ironing whilst watching Glee, Hells Kitchen and Vampire Diaries.

What is going on in this world!?!

Every once in a while I read strange stories in the news that make me wonder what is going on in this world. Today I read about Estibalis Chavez, who is apparently desperate to attend the royal wedding, so much so that she is going on a hunger strike. I don't even know what to think about this, is it possible that this teenager from Mexico is more patriotic than your average Brit? Who let's face it, is only thinking about the extra day off work. I honestly don't think there are a lot of reasons why I would ever go on a hunger strike. Sure, to save a loved one or even the world. Maybe even as part of a new crazy weight loss plan. But I can say with all certainty, not to attend the Royal Wedding. Wanna see the Royal Wedding? That's why I own a TV and apparently, with HD it feels like you're in the room!
Of course, for me the most insane story so far this month has to be that of Terry Allen Lester I found it, humorous, scary and ultimately creative. But still it makes me wonder, what is going on in this world! I'll keep an eye out for any other strange stories but I don't think anything else will come along this month to top Terry.

I'm still working on myself, trying to find a new job because I really need something that pays a little more than my current employer. In order to save for the next coming months and pay bills, I need to be working a full time contract which they can't offer me. In all the years that I've worked for the company this is the first year that I've really noticed a slow down. People just aren't spending their money, which given the economy is understandable but it also makes it a bad time to work in retail. I have no idea what I'm going to do for work once I get to America but I know for a fact that I hope to avoid a retail job at all costs.
I'm also working out, which is the reason I'm so super sore. I can't afford a gym membership anymore but I've been working out to my dvds in the comfort of my own home. Which is nice because you don't have the added pressure of having strangers look at you. I've got a few work out dvds but I just invested in Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I love The Biggest Looser USA and of course, Jillian is my favourite trainer. I always hope someone on her team wins, Bob is cool and everything but I think Jillian takes more time to get to know the contestants and get to the root of their weight loss problems. Let's hope she can help me. Her work out is pretty tough, most certainly intense but if I want results it's gonna hurt.

I had many great ideas about what I would do with my time once Adam had left. None of these have come into fruition. Sometimes you fall into a funk and it can be difficult to dig back out again. I'm trying, getting there slowly. I've called my best friend; I hadn't spoken to her in a month. Which for her is one of the greatest crimes against friendship. But for me, I just didn't have the energy to focus on anything else but missing my husband and finding a way to move forwards.

I'm also (still) in the process of de-cluttering my life, getting rid of things that I've held onto for silly reasons and selling other things that I won't be able to take to the US. I'm not sure if the de-cluttering counts as moving on because it's kinda in preparation for immigrating but it most certainly needed to be done. And I've made a little extra pocket change through selling on Amazon.

One thing I vow to start tomorrow is picking up my writing. Since I had to leave my course I haven't written anything. I'm not surprised by this, to be honest I'd stopped writing because life got in the way, which is why I was so excited to be on a creative writing course in the first place. The assignments to write pieces weren't a challenge but an opportunity to make my pleasure a priority. I truly enjoyed reading my pieces to the class and having constructive feedback. Putting your emotions onto paper and sharing them with people you don't know that well...well, I was gonna say it can be daunting but I suppose that's what we all do with our blogs. Maybe there is less pressure with a blog because there is a certain level of anonymity but either way we make our inner thoughts and feelings public knowledge with a quick online search. Sometimes I'll get the notion to be raw and honest with feelings I've kept bottled down but on the whole, I blog from the top frosting layer.

When I move to TN I do plan on looking into fees at the local university, I already know that they do a Creative Writing course, it'll just be a question of the costs. Not sure if I'd still be considered a foreign student if I hold a greencard. I also plan on joining a writers group but I suppose all those ideas have to wait until I've actually been approved!

The other thing I'm working on is trying to loose weight. It has been a long time battle of mine and I know it won't happen over night but I would like to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. Guess I just have to get used to feeling hungry all the time!

One of the things I like least about myself is that I'm not good with expressing emotions. I find it hard to tell someone I love that I love them. I'm not comfortable with hugging people other than Adam and my nieces and nephew. I cannot tell you that last time I told my parents or my siblings that I love them. Though I do. And I'm certain it would be what I regret most if something were to ever happen to them. I'm not sure if its me or if it's the way I was raised. My youngest brother no longer gives my mum a kiss goodnight and says I love you. Whether that's to do with our household or his turning sixteen on Monday I cannot say.
When a loved one dies you always wish that you had told them just how you feel about them when you had the chance. Knowing that you could loose the one you love at any time still doesn't make you say it whilst you can.
I often wonder who will tell me when my dad passes away. Will his partner think to call us in her grief or will she call her family for support first? I think, will I ever know my father before he passes away because I won't have the chance to when he's gone. But still I don't make these changes. I don't call my sibling or text my dad. I don't even walk downstairs and tell my mum I love her before bed. These are decisions I know one day I shall regret. I imagine a future version of myself stood beside me, willing me to get up and do the thing she knows I won't.

This is where my life currently stands.

Adam has left.

Originally, I was all for him going. The idea of him staying here and my constantly being worried that something else might happen to him overwhelmed the emotional side of me that was going to miss her husband. Adams older brother passed away a few years ago in a car accident. The fear of having to one day call his mother and tell her that something serious had happened to him, the pain, was too much. I knew that the common sense thing was for us to move to the US. He hadn't been able to find work. I had to drop out of school to work. He was never happy living in a city like London and we hadn't had any good luck. But oh my goodness is it hard without him. I keep hearing these song lyrics in my head "my life would suck without you". I think it's Kelly Clarkson but I can't be sure. All I know is that my life without Adam pretty much sucks. It really hit me the night before and I started asking him to stay, which of course I knew he couldn't...but it didn't stop me from asking. I took him to the airport and I can't explain how sick I felt. I literally felt and (still do) like something had been ripped out from the depths of me. To say I feel hollow is an understatement. I don't find much pleasure in my life here now. The one thing that does bring me some measure of joy is spending time with my nieces and nephew. Though when watching Shark Tale with my nephew he said "If Uncle Adam were here he'd know what kind of fish that is". Which of course, my husband, Mr discovery channel would.

It's not that this long distance relationship thing is new to us. Its not. We spent the majority of our relationship living apart, it's just that after I've been living and breathing him for the past two years, how do I go back to being me before?
When we got married, we said that we wouldn't be apart again. And I understand life happens and plans change but it's difficult to tell that to the 23 year old marrying the man she loved from across the ocean. Then it seemed like the biggest challenge to us, the Atlantic, was defeated and there would be no reason to ever be apart again. But life happens. Plans change.

So for now, our plans are for me to go there. US immigration is a whole other kettle of fish to UK immigration. I've joined the online support groups and we kind of have a handle on the process. Just taking it all one day at a time because we have a long wait ahead. Immigration doesn't happen over night. It is hard though, I miss Adam so much. He has a car and he's got a job lined up and he's joined the gym. Of course, his mom is happy to have him back. And he has his dog. He enjoys being in the woods rather than the city. And I struggle because whilst I'm happy that he likes where he is and that things are going to plan, I'm just so torn up that he's not here. The difference I feel in having him here to support me is immense. I know that we're not going to be apart forever but right now, the six months it will take for my visa to be approved might as well be six years. I suppose you can say that I'm struggling a little.

2011

I haven't updated in a long time. This is because I have nothing new to say, life is monotonous. The same days over and over. Life is what you make of it, at least that's what they say. So I have made it so my life is the same each day. Maybe in 2011 I shall do things I don't usually. But I doubt it, by my age most people are set in their ways. Or at least set in their routine. And honestly, when I think about it, I can't be bothered to make a change. I say I will, TOMORROW. I know I'm not the only one. There are always diets to start and cigarettes to stop smoking but most people agree that TOMORROW is the day to start these things. Well, tomorrow is 2011...so maybe I will.


Happy New Year!