Haven't we met before?

For shame, I have been a terrible blog owner. There is no excuse but rather than chastise myself for my blatant abandonment of this blog, why don't I just update and vow to continue updating in the future. 

It's been a little over a week since I returned from London, visiting friends and family and of course attending the wedding of my best friend. It was strange to be back because everything felt the same but I felt different, who knew how much living in America could change a person. I mean beyond the obvious weight gain and terrible accent, to the way I perceived things and my expectations of people and places. 

My (America acquired) resistance to walk anywhere was hampered by the fact that I don't have a car to drive in the UK and quite honestly, getting a fresh (though perhaps biased) look at vehicle and road sizes, I don't think I'd want one. I feel tiny and intimidated in my Chevy Aveo but the roads in the US are larger and there is undoubtedly more room to maneuver. In London, it really is a case of every man for himself and I just don't have that aggressive driver in me. Which is hard to believe looking at the way my parents and sister drive. 

Of course the most difficult thing for me to get used to was the lack of air conditioning. Arriving in London during the one of perhaps four weeks of summer weather, I was immediately questioning why the A.C wasn't on. Never mind that I'd grown up in the same house and there had never before been air conditioning, I looked at the electric fan and for the first time I fully realized it's inadequacies. And it's not just in homes. Call me privileged but if a retailer truly wants me to enjoy my shopping experience, how about a little A.C.

Pet peeves aside, being back in London was wonderful. I got to see my best friends, which you can't put a price on (but if you had to, it'd be $1400.00 for a summer ticket). And like it always is when you haven't seen your best friends in almost two years, we picked up where we had left off. As if no time had lapsed since our last conversation or night out. Oh, of course things had changed. Both for them and me, some in good ways and others in bad but we talked and laughed and chugged cheap wine just like we always did. 

The highlight of my trip was spending time with my nieces and nephew. I hate that kids have to grow up and change, I do miss their chubby cheeks and wobbly gait. That said, I'm also in awe of the young people they're becoming, their individual personalities and ideas. Their focus and interpretation of things, their fearlessness when it comes to expressing themselves. They'd changed so much from the little rugrats I said goodbye to almost two years ago. And I thought that would hurt more, I thought I'd once again be reminded of what I was sacrificing for my life in America but ultimately I guess I'm okay with it. I realize that more than anything, I was holding on to a time in their lives, in my life, which I can't get back. We'll have the memories and the awesome pictures and we'll move forward to make more great memories. Plus, kids these days are so technologically advanced, they already made sure that i had their email address so I can write to them directly!

So here I am now, just completed my first full week in Alabama. I do like it here, it gets lonely and the job hunt is painful. But I'm hopeful. Eternally hopeful that this will be a good place for the husband and I. That we can start laying down some of the blocks for building a life here, in Sweet Home Alabama. 

Virtually Best Friends

It's not that I don't like you...but virtually, I don't want to be friends anymore. UNFRIENDED!

 

When it comes to Facebook, I’m ruthless. I don’t hesitate to unfriend and always try to keep my friends list under 100 people. I truly don’t understand how some people can have 500 Facebook friends. Those people and often people they’re friends with, see all the information you post. And let’s be honest, most of us over share on Facebook or accidently post things we don’t mean to at least once.

I’m not anti-Facebook in any way, though I did delay jumping on the band wagon believing it was just another fad and not quite wanting to give up My Space. Now that I’ve moved to the US, I appreciate Facebook even more as a tool to keep in touch with friends and family in other parts of the world. I get to see what my friends are up to and feel a little more connected to them when they post good news or pictures of a wild night out. 

But I’m sure we all have a few people on our friends list who are only there because we feel obligated: That colleague that you have no desire to see outside of work but is friends with just about everyone in the building. Or the neighbor who found your dog that one time and now thinks that means you’re friends, when you really don’t want your relationship to extend pass a polite nod or wave as you rush in the door. And don’t get me started on your best friends annoying friend who you met that one time at that one thing, who suddenly thinks all three of you should be best friends. The list goes on. 

When it comes to Facebook friends, my first rule is this; if you wouldn’t be real life friends with them, why be virtual friends? Now, I know this might seem harsh. But why keep someone on your friends list, when you know if you were to see them out at the mall, you’d rush the other way to avoid them. Sure, they might play Farmville or Chefville and occasionally throw a monkey your way but if that is the extent of your relationship, is that what now qualifies as a friend?

I do periodically go through my friends list with the purpose of removing people. Those who I don’t talk to or don’t know very well but accepted their friend request because for two weeks seven months ago, I was going to be seeing them often. My reasoning behind such a task is not to be mean (though I do like the power of the unfriend button) but to simply protect myself. 

Remember that totally awesome night you had with your girlfriends? Remember the photos you were tagged in? No, you didn’t look great but six too many tequila shots will do that to you. Still, you keep them on your Facebook page because they make you feel nostalgic for days gone by. Well, remember everyone on your friends list can see that. 

Remember the photos you took of your kids playing on the beach last summer, little Madison looked so cute in a pink frilly two-piece. You couldn’t wait to upload your vacation pictures so you’re friends could be jealous and your MIL could see pictures of the kids finally wearing the Disney Princess t-shirts she bought four months ago. Well, everyone on your friends list can see those photos.

 

Remember that picture your husband took on your romantic getaway, the one where you’re simultaneously showing too much leg and too much cleavage…just me then? Well, by now I hope you’ve got the point that everyone can see that.

Sure, there are privacy settings that can be altered. To that I say, who has the time and who can figure them out! Facebook is constantly changing their privacy setting and I believe it’s in the hope that we the consumers won’t be able to figure it out. 

It’s nothing personal when I unfriend someone. It’s not because I can’t stand the constant request to play this game or that – I can block those. It’s not even because I’m tired of the almost hourly posts about the cute thing your puppy just did – I’m guilty of that myself. Really, it’s just that I know I can’t cultivate 500 friendships. Imagine the hours it would take to really be friends with all those people on your list. If you were to stop by each page and read what friend number 280 was up to today…really, oatmeal for breakfast, me too, I feel so close to you number 280…Hardly riveting, then think of all the real world things you’re missing out on.

I recently read an article about a college graduate who plans to meet all 788 people on his friends list, to discover whether they’re really friends or merely online acquaintances. My first thought was that he has too much time on his hands but it turns out he’s received funding for this to be turned into a documentary and photography exhibit. Yay for him! What I’m interested in seeing is if at the end of his little documentary, he still has 788 Facebook friends.

Maybe Baby

An online friend of mine recently announced that she and her husband were expecting their first child. As we all know, nothing is official until it's Facebook official. At first, I thought that perhaps, like many, her Facebook had been hacked and someone was playing a joke. But as I scrolled through the comments and saw congratulations from family and friends, I realized that the post was genuine. I felt happy and excited for her, as many of us do when we think about the little bundle that will no doubt bring joy. 

But I also felt an overwhelming pang of jealously. 

I don't recall when we first met, only that it was via a long distance relationship forum. We were both living in the UK whilst the boys we loved were in the US. Back then, I didn't really know anyone in a long distance relationship and it was nice to be able to chat with people who really understood. Who didn't doubt you when you said that you were in a committed, faithful relationship despite the ocean in between. 

Over the years we took different routes to our future goal. When Adam moved over to the UK in 2009, she moved over to start her life in the US. The husband and I married in April and she and her husband married in September. And whilst I recognize that no four peoples lives are the same, that timing is different for everyone, I confess that I'm envious they're already in a position to be starting a family.

My best friend calls me crazy but when we talk, without a doubt, the conversation touches on the fact that we're nearly 30 and our eggs are dying. Yes, it might sound crazy. Really, all I need are 3 healthy eggs to give me 3 healthy babies but I'm also aware of the fact that past that mystical age of 30, the quality and quantity of eggs depletes. 

Frequently, Adam and I will discuss my baby math and we do ponder starting a family. When we first met, we were eighteen going on nineteen. We were young and 25 seemed old; truly, it still does, which is why I despair that I've passed my mid-twenties. We honestly thought that by twenty-five we would have our first child. That wonderful time of still being in your early twenties came and went and I think we would both agree that as much as we would have liked a child, we were in no way ready. And I still don't think we are, we're not yet settled.

A few years back, when I was blogging about starting a family one day, a LOT of my readers gave me the advice to just take the time to enjoy married life. Whilst many can attest to the wonders of child rearing, they wanted me to know in no uncertain terms that the period of just Adam and I is equally as wonderful and not nearly long enough. 
I do enjoy the time Adam and I spend together, however limited, and it's not that I feel in any way that our life is lacking because we don't have a child. We know that we want to be financially prepared (I hear that'll never happen) as well as emotionally prepared to put someone else ahead of what we both want or need. The extent of this responsibility is not lost on us and we both know that we can be selfish at times. Moreover, we want to make sure that our marriage is at it's best before we introduce a new life into the equation.

In case you didn't know, I'm a bit of a reality TV addict. One of the shows I enjoy is Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I have to wonder why Kourtney Kardashian says that Scott Disick isn't husband material but she's willing to create two new lives with him. A marriage, you can get out of but children tie you to that other person forever.

I know that once we have a child, that's it, Adam and I are never going to be able to sever a connection. We both grew up in households without both parents and we want to know that our children won't have to face the bitterness of divorce. And also, I don't want to be arrested for trying to sneak my own children out of the country back to the UK, because we all know that's what I'd want to do if Adam and I ever divorced. 

Bottom line, having a child is a big deal and I think that's maybe why we're always able to find some reason to wait. I know, even if we had $100,000. in the bank right now, I'd still want to wait. Because I don't want post pregnancy fat in my friends wedding photos or because we haven't been to Napa Valley yet. I think I could probably think of a dozen reasons why we should wait. And I know I can think of a dozen reasons why we shouldn't. 

I'm not sure that we're going to be one of those couples who plan a baby. I think it'll be an accidental pregnancy. But that pang of jealously I felt when a friend shared her happy news, reminds me that it'll be a happy accident. Confirms that I want to experience motherhood, it'll just have to happen when it happens.

A year already?

I'm approaching a year in Knoxville, a year as a resident of the United States of America. I always think it's funny how time seems to fly when you're looking back, perhaps because you only remember special moments. You don't remember those mundane days that seem to last forever when you're counting down to something with anticipation. What I'm trying to say is that I think this past year has flown by. 

This past year as been full of many milestones; the arrival of my permanent resident card, getting a job, learning to drive, moving into our own apartment. They're all little steps in the much larger plan of Adam and I getting established here. Of building a life here. And I'm coming to realize that they're will be many, many more steps for us to take. 

This time last year, we were really only concerned with being together again. When we got married in 2009, we were under the impression that we wouldn't have to live apart again. Those almost 10 months of separation were very painful for me, especially in the beginning, it's difficult to be a wife without a husband.So when I was finally approved and on a plane, it seemed to us like the nightmare was finally over, we were together and we'd live happily ever after, the end. Of course, life doesn't work like that. There are many difficulties to be faced, which can make or break a person and a marriage. We've really struggled with the fact that Adam and I live on two different schedules. I keep bankers hours whilst he works second shift; 4pm-3am, so we really don't have much time to spend together. And even on weekends, his body clock keeps him sleeping in late whilst I struggle to sleep past 9am. The fact that there is a "Shermeen of the past" reminding me to just be glad that we're in the same country, doesn't do much to abate my frustrations. 

We're actually hoping that Adam can find a new job here in Knoxville, one that will put him on a better shift and put more money in our bank account for the future. We're also seriously discussing moving somewhere else in the US, Adam has spoken to a couple recruiters and found really good welding jobs in AL and MS. Of course, we don't want to move. Knoxville has grown on us (though it's no London), I really like the people I work with and Adams parents are here. At present, we're just trying to work towards being able to buy a home of our own and start a family but none of those things can happen unless we can start bringing in more money. 

I'm actually excited about the future. I'm excited that we have possibilities and though we don't know what the future holds, we do know that we'll be facing it together. Which really makes all the difference. 

But this isn't supposed to be about the future, it's supposed to be about the past year in Knoxville. Thus;

Following the long but wonderful vlog from Eve over at Queen's English, I thought I'd do the same. Eve moved to NC about a week before I moved to TN and she recently took questions which she answered in video form. So, to get me to do another vlog (it's been over a year) I thought I'd ask my readers (are you there?) and FB followers to post questions about my past year. Anything you like, post it here or on Sherms In The Middle FB page. I'll give it a couple days and then answer them on video and post it here for all to see. 

Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?

It turns out that I actually didn’t finish my 30 days of blogging challenge. Opps. You know what they say; If at first you don’t succeed…So here I am many months later, completing what I started. Or at least giving it another try.

Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?

This one is surprisingly difficult for me. Perhaps because this really is a once in a lifetime kind of opportunity. The truth is, if I were to live someone’s life for one day, I would want it to be someone who truly inspires me. Some who isn’t just a good singer or a TV reality star. I wouldn’t just want to have a day in the life of a celebrity, I’d want a day in the life of someone who makes a difference. Who’s influence in the world is not based on what the paparazzi capture.

I managed to narrow it down to my top three influential women;

3.Etharin Cousin

2.Condoleezza Rice

1.Hillary Clinton

I’m greatly influenced by strong women with a passion for enhancing the world we live in. I greatly admire the work that Etharin Cousin has done through Feeding America and as director of the UN World Food Program. It distresses me that any child in the world would go hungry but I cannot comprehend why any child in America should go hungry. I would love be a part of educating people in foreign countries about how to provide for themselves, creating programs and providing the necessary tools for agriculture and development.

Condoleezza Rice impresses me. Need I say more? She a smart woman who won’t be pushed around by big men in political office. She’s candid, which is refreshing in politics. She is a woman who lives without limitations, showing young women that anything is possible. Holding the title of the first female African American, Secretary of State, even for a day would be awesome. Most certainly, Condoleezza Rice inspires me and shows me that in life, in America, the possibilities for greatness only end when you stop trying.

Okay, now Hillary Clinton might be an odd choice to some. There are some people who see her as Bill’s wife and not much more and that’s part of the reason why I love her. She’s come out from behind the shadow of her husband to forge her own identity. Honestly, I admire her for her determination, not only politically but during the dark times of her marriage. Hints of infidelity are enough to destroy any marriage but to face it in the public eye, in the biggest, whitest, most well know house in America. She’s given a whole new meaning to the phrase “stand by your man”.

The epitomizes the notion of there being a great woman behind every great man. She inspires me because she shows women that you can have it all,

she raised a daughter and when the time was right forged a career for herself. On her own merits. She was the first female Senator for NY, the first, First Lady to hold public office and I think this country would be in much better shape if she had been elected the first female President.

I had a dream about a dream

After so long away from blogging, staring at this blank page is certainly intimidating. There is a fear that I'll never be able to fill it, that my words are too inadequate for the page. For the internet, for the world. But I remember, they are my words; and that's what's most important. 

I'm coming up to a year of living in Knoxville, TN. Of living in the USA. I feel disappointed in myself that I didn't blog more often, perhaps then I'd have a better idea of how I'm adjusting to my new life and new surroundings. 

During the dark times, when homesickness takes a grip that penetrates to my core, I struggle to remember why I moved. The fact that I love the husband deeply, that he lasted two years in England and that it was always our plan to end up here, doesn't provide much solace. I still so easily recall the plethora of things I gave up in moving here.

I know no better feeling than having my nephew run up to me and give me a great big hug. Since I've gone, he's had a birthday, grown taller and older. Things that happen all to fast anyway but seem that much worse when you're not there to witness it. I know that when I get one of his precious hugs again, it will be different. 

I've had no better night out than enjoying wine and conversation with my best friends. A shared history can never be replaced. Every eventful moment in my life has been shared by a small group of ladies who have seen me go from an awkward teenager to the somewhat less awkward, youngish woman I am today.

The husband helped me come to the realization that this big city girl is a little lost in the backwoods of TN. In leaving my family and friends back home, I've lost myself. So much of my identity is wrapped up in who I am to other people. Being a daughter, sister, aunt, friend is so important to me. I recall my first ever online blog and how I used all of those words in my About Me section. 

Of course, none of this is to imply that being a wife isn't equally important to me. It isn't  a question of which identity is paramount to my perception of myself.  After thinking long and hard about my marriage, my willingness to leave all I've known and move somewhere else to be with the man I love, I found my answer. The reason behind it all. And it started with a dream.

More of a Martin Luther King dream as opposed to a Mr Sandman dream. It's dream full of hope and possibilities that are worth leaving everything behind for. 

The dream of one day having a family with the man I love, my best friend. One day staring into the eyes of a little being that is half the husband and half of me. Raising a family and inspiring them to make the world a better place.

 In meeting the husband, this dream was formed. The possibilities became endless. I know that together, what we set our hearts and minds to, we can achieve. And so, with a little (more) time and a lot of dreaming, I know I'll come to see the US as my home away from home.

Settling In, Settling Down

I am finally sitting down to write a blog entry. The fact that I haven't written in so long just makes everything else more difficult. I feel like such a large amount of time has lapsed since my last post and there is so much to say. On the other hand, I didn't write sooner because I really felt like I had nothing to say. I'm a strange one.

As most of you will know, I now live in Knoxville, Tennessee. I'm not sure yet how accustomed I am to saying that, it doesn't quite roll of the tongue as easily as London, England does. I think that part of the reason I'm still wrapping my head around my new home is because I never really thought about what it would be like to live in Tennessee. I was so caught up in the drama of waiting for my visa to come through, never quite believing that it would happen. When it finally did, I was wrapped up in packing and saying goodbye to as many folks as I could. And after that, I just thought about being with my husband again.I'd never given much thought to Tennessee. In fact, I doubt it would ever be a place I would think to visit, let alone live. Of course, my family thought a great deal about racism in Tennessee and worried for my safety. Something to do with men in white sheets. But I didn't pay much thought to Tennessee life beyond the fact that it was wear my husband lived.

Since being here, I've learnt a few things about my new home;

• Number one being how to spell Tennessee correctly, all these eeee's can really trip a girl up. 
• I've come to learn that our State nickname is the "Volunteer State" and that if you live in Knoxville it is not enough to own just one orange VOLS item of clothing. College football is a big deal around here and on a game day, everyone and I do mean everyone, is wearing orange. 
• The TN state fruit is a Tomato...not as nice as a Georgia Peach or a Florida Orange. 
• The state insect is a Lighting Bug or Lady Bug/Bird...which might explain why I've seen so many of them since being here. 

I can't really tell how well I'm adjusting to being here. To begin with everything was an adventure and new. Then as things began to settle down, I just ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I missed having my friends around to call or meet up with. I missed sitting on the sofa watching Emmerdale and Eastenders with my mum. I missed having the niece and nephew wake me up really early. I missed being able to walk to the store...or walk anywhere for that fact. It began to be very difficult to adjust and I started feeling pretty down. The husbands work schedule doesn't help much either. But I knew I had to start thinking about what I could be doing to help myself settle in faster. Number one is to be working. A job would have me out the house, meeting people and hopefully making new friends. It would mean I could get driving and we could start saving up for a truck for the husband. I would be bring in money. I think I've been putting of this post because I didn't have a job. Well, now I do have a job. Starting Thursday. I haven't said anything on Facebook yet, I'll probably wait until after my first day. I'm going to be working for First Tennessee as a teller...or at least I will be once I scan and email this acceptance letter back. I am beyond excited. 


This is only the first step but it's really gonna help me to settle in here and allow Adam and I to start working towards some of our goals. Including getting our own place next year. I am super excited for that because we've never had that, to feel independent and be on our own. 


Some more firsts in TN:

• Saw Deer in the woods behind the house
• Heard Coyotes howling
• Went Black Friday shopping 
• Celebrated Thanksgiving
• GOT A JOB!

I wanted to share some pictures of my new home but I've just uploaded them to Facebook for now. Again, if you're not my friend on there; ADD ME!