30 before THIRTY

Twenty-fifteen is the year that I'll turn 30 and I'm still not sure how I feel about this. There's something about the closing out of your twenties that is reminiscent of a child putting away their toys. There is no more time for childish things like dreams and procrastination. There is no more time to erase and rewrite-because from now on my plans will be written in ink. 

I feel like your twenties are the most special and complicated time of a persons life. Of course, my assessment of this statement is limited to the meager twenty-nine years I've been on this planet but regardless, it's been a complicated decade. 

I remember being sixteen and dreaming of a future that seemed so full of possibilities and full of perfections. By eighteen those dreams might not have panned out as perfectly as I'd hoped but the determination and confidence that they could had not waned. I was excited to reach my twenties, specifically 21. What's so special about that birthday anyway? I already had a key to the door. Of course, I was young, slim and already in love with the man I would one day marry. I felt like life wasn't perfect but I could still make my dreams come true.

I suppose the next big birthday was 25. Which I imagine to be the first slap in a six part series of birthday face slaps. 25-Slap. 30-Slap. 35-Slap. 40-Slap. 47-Slap. 50-Slap. After fifty, if my mother is anything to go by, you stop sweating the small stuff and start making up your own rules.  My twenty-fifth birthday however was the very best of my life thus far. I had my wonderful family, childhood friends, two birthday cakes and the man I loved. And lot's of alcohol. Still, despite being my favorite birthday, twenty-five starts the slap series because it blatantly reminds you that your twenties are half way over. And no, try as you might, you cannot turn it into a glass half full "you're only half way in" outlook.

Another reason twenty five is the first slap in the birthday series is because you'll quickly come to discover that your body doesn't quite recover the same way from alcohol. Long gone are the days of downing vodka red bulls whilst grinding with your girlfriends in your hooker heels. Only to wake up the next day, grab a McDonald's breakfast and head to your six hour shift in retail hell. No, twenty five is the year that your body turns on you. Starts to remind you that you're not going to be young and attractive forever.  You're as young as you feel becomes your daily mantra but you can't fight the hormones. The ones that make you go mushy inside when a baby locks eyes with you in the grocery store and you feel like he can see straight into your vacant womb and hear the cries of your aging unfertilized eggs. So being smart you fight the urge with a puppy and it works. For awhile. So you get a second puppy. And your family just start asking when the kids are going to arrive and then that friend casually whispers the words infertility & problems over lunch. And before you know it you're wondering how an accidental pregnancy hasn't happened in the last ten years...Okay, I cannot deny I was off on a tangent there for awhile. I apologize. 

The point. I don't know how I feel about turning thirty. I thought I could get excited by working on a thirty before thirty list but then I realized I'd just be left feeling disappointed and unaccomplished if I didn't complete it. And frankly, I've felt that way too much during my twenties. I'm also mourning the fact that it will be the first milestone birthday that I won't be able to spend with my best friends back in England. I have made some terrific friends here in Alabama but I just always assumed I'd spend my thirtieth birthday with the same ladies who helped me see in 16,18,21,25 and so many birthdays in between. I won't be there with them to celebrate on their days either.

My 25th birthday- starting the BBQ off right with some shots!

Shadi's 21st birthday.

Susana's 27th birthday.

Charlotte's 26th birthday.

My 21st birthday-three divas hogging the mic!

My 21st birthday- couldn't think of better girls to dance barefoot with!

2015 is going to be a tough year for me, both my parents turn 60. My nephew and eldest niece turn 10. These are all special birthdays that I won't be able to enjoy, not without some serious money and vacation time, neither of which I have. This year will likely be the year I sit down and consider applying for Naturalization but it's also the year that will likely cause me to question my move altogether. 

Whilst in a long distance relationship with the husband, I felt the overwhelming desire to be in two places at once. If only I could knit our two worlds together. Now that the husband and I are finally together, I still feel the same way for the people I love back home. I'm not sure it's a feeling that can ever be reconciled. 

Thriving in 2015

Fresh sheets on the bed. A towel warm from the dryer. The first crunch of Autumn leaves underfoot. All these things conjure the same feelings I get at the start of a New Year. It's comforting to think of it as a fresh start. The turn onto a blank page eagerly awaiting the tip of a sharpened pencil. Everything and anything seems possible and the good things I plan and hope for appear probable. We can simply shed the troubles of the previous year like a snake skin and take that first step on to just fallen snow, creating a brand new path for our lives. 

We make resolutions as if we really can determine the outcome of this year. Little decisions that if only we could follow through with, happiness would be sure to follow. All the while forgetting that it's not so easy to change our spots or stripes. 

I'm not sure at what point during the year that optimism dissipates but I find that it usually does. We come to discover that our baggage has been shipped to us with no return address. By the time December rolls around I'm ready to be done with the year and move on to the next. As if the closing of each year ushers in the start of a more promising chapter in my life. When in reality there is no more difference in December 31st becoming January 1st than there is Monday becoming Tuesday. There is no cosmic change. The sunsets, the sun rises and whilst we should all be glad to experience as many of those as possible, for some reason this event is given so much more fanfare simply because it's the last day of the year. 

I find that sometimes I'm trying to run away from the bad memories so fast that I not only forget about the good ones but neglect the fact that I made it through. The new year seems to promise me so much. I'm almost certain I'll come to find that in this brand spanking new year, the grass really is greener. And so I make these declarations of intent to loose weight, to better practice the often times impossible art of patience, to cherish my loved ones more...and the old classic; to blog often! 

I do appreciate this ridiculous optimism of mine, don't get me wrong. Were it not to exist, were I not to believe that better things were out there and possible, I probably would have laid down somewhere long ago and stayed down. There is a reason why most people don't know who or what a Chumbawamba is but their lyrics "I get knocked down but I get up again, you're not ever gonna keep me down" resonates to the base of humanity. We're nothing if not determined to not only survive but thrive. 

With this in mind, I enter 2015 perhaps a little more realistic than I have in previous years. Of course there are good things that I hope will happen in the coming year. Like visiting England, celebrating my 30th birthday, buying a new car, doing it with my husband until I get knocked up. And I know it's not possible to be prepared for the bad because I don't know what this year will bring. But I can feel confident that with every bad day, every disappointment, I grow a little bit stronger. I'll learn a little bit more about myself and what I'm capable of. 

Bring it on 2015.

Accent Tag

I spent some time this afternoon researching Washington State. For some reason, that I cannot explain, I would love to live in Washington State. Perhaps it's the rain or perhaps like the husband suggests, it's Twilight. Either way, I feel like I could be happy there. I watched some videos of people from Washington State and decided that I could raise children there, simply because there isn't much of an accent. Just your generic, hard to place American accent. As opposed to say, the Southern accent, which I love as a novelty but not so much as an accent to be stuck with forever. Call me a snob if you must. Anyway, the husband and I thought it might be fun to make a video of us doing the accent tag. So here it is, enjoy.

 

Three Years, Two Dogs and a Roll Tide Later!

I think it's fitting that I should choose to return to the world of blogging on the three year anniversary of my Living In America (cue music). 1096 days ago I packed up and headed across that little pond to join the husband and pave what we hoped would be a smooth path to "Happily Ever After". Of course, life and therefore marriage, is not like the fairy tales. It makes sense when you consider we met online, back in the days when online dating was taboo, and not in an enchanted forest. 

It's difficult to grasp just how much time has passed, and ultimately I don't wish to because it scratches at the tender layer covering the pain of leaving England. Both the people I love back there and the country itself. Whilst it may no longer be the Great Britannia that rules the waves, I have an immense feeling of pride, of patriotism, of belonging. That's not to say that I haven't thrown myself wholeheartedly into American life and culture but I still feel like there's something missing. There remains some as yet undiscovered reason why I'm on the fence regarding US Citizenship.  Apparently, my psyche is really good at hiding things from me because try as I might, I can't come up with a conclusive reason. So for right now I'm blaming the $680 fee. 
I have a ten year permanent resident card so essentially I'm free to go on living and abiding by American laws until 2021 but the opportunity to vote if there's an election in 2016 or partake in jury duty are pretty compelling reasons for Naturalization. In addition to the fact that I don't want to be of different nationality to any potential future children. 

I suppose this would be a good time for a boring blogger update. I say boring only because not much happens in my life and what little does is usually published on Facebook so you already know. Well, firstly, Maggie came into our lives. Yes, as the title suggests, we now have two dogs. Penny is our TN puppy and Maggie is our AL puppy. The SEC has nothing on their rivalry!

I'd say that we've adapted to AL life pretty well, honestly moving down here from TN was good for us. The first time that we've really been on our own and whilst I miss both our families, knowing that we really only have each other to rely on has been good. It's helped up both grow up -though one of us had slightly more growing up to do than the other! I love our little apartment, which is really close to the dog park and the gym and I've taken to crafting of all things. I actually blame Pintrest for showing me how to make all the expensively awesome things I want to buy on Etsy. I've also lost about 37lbs so far this year. Not nearly at my goal weight but so pleased with the progress so far. I've always talked about dieting and loosing weight but found (like with most things) talk is cheap and action speaks louder. At the beginning of the year, I stopped getting my period for about two months and it freaked the heck out of me. Early menopause is a real thing and I was glad to discover that a little weight loss was enough to kick everything back on track. Then after countless weeks of dragging myself to the gym, I came to find that I not only enjoyed going to the gym but was really irritable when I missed beloved classes. Seriously, not a good idea to try and come between me and the gym on a Wednesday. Missing Zumba and Kettle Bells is no longer an option. I'm enjoying the changes I see and feel and am always surprised by what my body is capable of. One of the instructors says every class "you're stronger than you think" which I never really know is true until I've done what I thought I couldn't. 

There were two in the bed

For the past couple of months, sleeping with my husband has become most unpleasant. 

Like many people, when I sleep, I snore.
I don't believe I snore loudly. Being a lady and all, I'm sure it's just a delicate and cute snore. However it keeps the husband awake. So whilst I'm lost in la-la land, dreaming of being slim and owning an extensive Michael Kors handbag collection. The husband is laying there wanting to smother me with a pillow.

Of course, he can't do that. With me dead and him in jail, what would become of Penny?

So instead, he wakes me up and tells me to roll over.

In the beginning, I was sympathetic to his plight. He has a physically demanding job and wakes up a the butt crack of dawn. However, after weeks of being shoved awake, sometimes multiple times in the night, I finally lost it. I got mad, said some choice words and then took my pillow to the foot of the bed.

If we had a second bedroom, believe me, we would be one of those couples. We have such different sleeping habits and practices, it's a wonder how we've made it this far. He likes to sleep with a fan, partly for the cool air but mostly for the sound. I have to be warm and toasty. I don't want to feel the fan blow on me and heaven help anyone who uncovers my feet during the night. At one point, I had a mini heater on my side of the bed and he had a mini fan on his. I really can see the benefit of couples having separate beds or bedrooms. I'd have all the blankets I wanted. Could snore as loud as I like. And the scheduling of inmate times would mean I'd always have my legs shaved in advance. Alas, that dream is not a possibility for us one bedroom renters.

Instead, after weeks of us sleeping top and tail, and my starting to become more acquainted with his feet than any wife wants to be, I decided action must be taken. I picked up some nose strips which I'm hoping will lessen at least one of the sounds my body emits during the night! 

I can't believe this could be the end...

When I ended my long distance relationship with the husband, for the second time, by moving to the US, I didn't think about the long distance relationships I'd be starting. With my best friends. Moving overseas and leaving behind everyone I've ever known, really messes with the social life. Trying to build a life in a new city, state or country isn't easy. I'm thankful I have the husband for support but it is a lonely process. In the past, whenever I was going through anything, I'd turn to the husband of course but also to my girlfriends. I've been best friends with the same group of ladies since high school. They've seen me through more relationship dilemmas and bad fashion decisions than any girl should face in a lifetime. Every awesome birthday I've celebrated usually involved sneaky shots at the bar with these ladies. And whilst we've always had the kind of friendship where we could go months without seeing each other, only to pick up where we left off, it's suddenly different now that I'm in the US. Because who knows when we'll see each other to pick our relationship back up again. 

I know that if I want to maintain these friendships that are truly precious to me, I have to put in an effort to stay in communication. This means more than a birthday FB message and a card at Christmas. 

Lilly and I are constantly messaging back and forth on FB. Nothing big happens to either of us that we don't share and if we happen to go more than 3 days without messaging, I instantly think it's been too long. A phone call is a big deal because getting hold of calling cards isn't cheap or easy. And a video chat really is a special occasion because she doesn't have a built in web cam. Still, we're both committed to making the effort to ensure our friendship survives. And to be honest, I feel just as close, if not closer, than before I left. What we have now works on maintaining our relationship until we see each other next. We have no delusions that it will be any time soon and it's tough when I can't be there to support her during difficult times or celebrate with her when something amazing happens. Still, I know and she knows, that no matter what we'll be there. 

I feel completely different about Sophia. She and I were always so close. Not to say we didn't have our moments. Like when she told me she didn't think it was a good idea for me to date Adam and we didn't speak for awhile. Still, there wasn't anything we went through that wasn't softened by dinner and wine together. We saw each other sporadically, talked every now and then but always turned to each other for the big stuff. A break-up or cheating boyfriend was just another reason to hit the town together. When she got drunk and threw up all over herself, I helped her wash the chunks out of her hair. She made every birthday I had that much better. I know so much about her and she about me. When our parents got sick or passed away, we had each other to lean on and remember the good times with.

However lately I feel like our friendship isn't what it used to be. I don't know if it's down to the changes in her life or the distance between us. Or maybe it's a combination. Perhaps the fact that a telephone call isn't cheap, makes her hesitate when she needs someone to talk to and cry with. The fact that we can't get together to drink wine and spill all the details of our life means we don't share as much. I feel so disconnected from her and it saddens me. I wish that she could open up to me. And I wish that we had some wine so my advice doesn't sound so harsh. When we were together this summer, I loved spending time with her but things weren't like they were before. Perhaps she is changing and I'm not there to change with her. Don't they say that changing together is the key to a successful relationship. 

I don't want this to be the end of our friendship. I'm resolved to kick-start our relationship even if it means bombarding her with emails and messages. I'll have to make that extra effort to search out a phone card or get an international calling plan. And if she still doesn't get around to buying a web cam, I'll surprise her with one. I guess friendships are like relationships, there is no blueprint on how to make it work. Every friendship is unique, what works for some won't work for others. I knew what worked for us when we were twenty-five and living in the same country, I guess I need to figure out what works for us as the people we are today.

*For privacy, names have been changed*

2014 The Year of Cliches

Most changes don't happen over night. Contrary to the belief that the difference between December 31st and January 1st results in the sudden desire to start using that gym membership. Or that somewhere in those last twenty-four little hours, a ten year addiction to cigarettes will disappear. Most changes are subtle. It's the same reason you thought that second (third) cupcake, wouldn't have any repercussions. Had you (me) taken a bite and watched your (my) rear end spread a cm wider, we...let's face it..I wouldn't be in the fat pants that I am today.

Still the changes I'm thinking of aren't just physical. Spurred on by a brand new year, I once again reflect on my life. My career aspirations, my marriage, my friendships, myself. I realize how much I've changed over the past few years. I think of all the ways I hope to change in this coming year, perhaps in ways that I won't notice until I'm once again reflecting on years gone by.

Since we've started this new life in Alabama, I've really thrown myself into trying to make friends and build a life here. Having been unemployed for the past five months, it's been difficult. Not only am I financially limited but I'm not getting to interact with people on a daily basis. I created a meetup group a couple months back and through that group, I've been able to meet some wonderful and fun ladies my age. Some of whom I saw the new year in with. I've never been one to do anything special for New Years Eve. If I stayed up late enough to toast the coming year, that was cause enough to celebrate. This year we didn't make it home until the early hours of the morning. I'd call that a 2014 success. 

I have lots of things I hope to achieve this year. I have lots of things I hope to achieve every year. This year however, I'm older and wiser. I realize that not everything works out the way that you plan or hope it will. Life is fantastic at throwing you curve balls. And cliche though it maybe, you truly do have to learn how to roll with the punches. Dust yourself off and try again. I get knocked down but I get up again. Learn to go with the flow. I think you get it now.

2013 was a messy year. I missed my husband when we were in different states. My husband drove me to my limits when we were in the same state. I missed my family like crazy and a three week visit just wasn't enough. I missed my best friends who went through the hardest crap of their own and I felt powerless to help. I struggled with feeling rejected and worthless as I applied and interviewed for countless companies that couldn't appreciate my awesomeness. I felt misunderstood by my husband who wasn't the right kind of sympathetic to my feelings of not having a job, and missing my family, and feeling like America wasn't the place for me. Like always I had body issues because unlike I planned at the start of the year, I didn't loose 60 lbs.  

This year, I know things won't go swimmingly. I mean, where would be the fun in that right. Imagine, you want something to happen...and it does! Sounds boring. The one thing I've learnt from 2013 is that I will survive (Gloria Gaynor style). I have the most wonderful family and friends who I can lean on. My mum is always there at the end of the phone or my computer screen. My best friends can overlook their own issues to support me and drag me out of my dark moments. I'm healthy and fortunate to have a husband who loves me and at present is the only one bringing home any kind of bacon. I have an awesome puppy who accepts the fact that I don't always allow her on the bed but still jumps up when I'm feeling low and want a cuddle. 

I know 2014 isn't going to be easy and it might not necessarily be better. I have my list of things I want to change. Resolutions if you will. I know that they might not all happen and certainly not necessarily how I would want them to but I'm prepared for the disappointment. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.