there's nothing like staring at a blank page. i wonder if this could be considered writers block if you're not actually a writer?
the sounds of Lauryn Hill and Sade are soothing my soul right now. this is actually my sad song list, the song list i created after what happened. funny how life has no certainties, no answers. i do wonder sometimes what the grand scheme is...if there is one. i guess that's where faith comes in. i might not have religion but i have faith. just wish i had faith in myself. certainty in myself. one day your life can seem so wonderful, carefree. and the next, a double decker bus comes and knocks down your deck of cards. wham. everyhings different. that's how it was for josh and me. Josh and I. who knows, maybe what happened didn't change the course of our relationship, maybe it just hurried us down the path. one day, i'm totally oblivious to everything. and the next, the next he tells me he slept with the woman next door. what's the saying, thou shalt not covert thy neighbours wife. oops. he did. "I slept with her." I'm still not sure what exactly he expected me to do with that information, guess I did what any niave and dependant woman would do. I stayed with him. when I say dependant, I don't mean financially. I am and always have been able to support myself, I didn't get a masters degree cause I like the paper its printed on. No, I was emotionally dependant upon him. Right from the start i gave him everything, not all at once mind. it wasn't easy for him to gain my trust, but when i gave him my heart, I really gave him my heart. all of it, even now as i look back on it i'm still not sure whether that was a mistake or not. I mean, if you're gonna love someone you ought to love them with everything you've got. and that would have worked out just fine if he'd of given me everything he had too.
"where have you been? its almost our turn to go in!"
"i'm sorry, i got held up". Even now, as she looked at him, hair wild with droplets of sweat streaming down the side of his face. even now she wondered if he really had been kept late at work. I mean, he used work as an excuse when really he was just a few doors down, with her. he'd used all kinds of excuses and she didn't see through them, didnt want to see through them. the thought of smelling him for perfume or examing his clothes for lipstick entered her mind. but she slowly forced them down.
"well, at least you're here now. i had to call in a whole bunch of favours to get this appointment. if you're serious about giving things another go..."
"I am" his speedy reaction brought a smile to her face, but she forced that back too. she couldn't make it too easy on him, not after what she'd been through.
"Well, now's the time to show me"
As they walked into the well decorated office and took a seat on the couch it was impossible not to notice her shift along the couch and increase the distance between them. At one point they couldn't sit next to each other without having hands or legs wrapped together, it was clear that their problems ran deep, but if they were looking for help on fixing things they'd come to the right place.
"Hi Amy, Josh. I'm Dr Keyes. You can call me Caroline. I know this might all seem a little scary. nobody takes their marriage vows and expects to be visiting someone like me. But I have all sorts of clients, newlyweds to veterans. teenyboppers to senior citizens. When you're here, there's no need to be afraid or apprehensive. If you don't open up, we won't be able to fix things. Sound ok so far?", Amys nod came slow and deep whilst Josh's would rivial that of a nodding dog on a dash board, "So, let's begin with you Josh. Why are you here?"
Hands in lap and head cast down Josh looked almost like a child about to be scolded and Amy felt a long forgotten rush to protect him from the inquring eyes of Dr Keyes.
"I guess, ultimately i'm here because I want to work things out with Amy. i want to save my marriage. I had an affair and I want to make things right again."
"Often Josh, affairs can be a sign of a deeper problem in a marriage. And without communication those problems grow and manifest themselves in a number of ways. In your case it resulted in an affair".
"But I don't think there was anything wrong with our marriage to begin with. Things were fine, great even. It was just a silly, drunken mistake. One that i'll regret for the rest of my life".
The first visit to Caroline hadn't seemed so bad, but as the months went by and by, Amys frustration only seemed to grow. Every bill that arrived or journey to her office only seemed to increase her hostility towards Josh for putting them in this situation. Dinners were barely tolerable and the sleeping arrangments depended upon her mood. It was clear to anyone that Josh would have eaten dog food for dinner every night and slept outside if she'd commanded it, but somehow it wasn't enough. He still didn't seem to understand, to feel everything she'd felt.
"I just don't feel like he understands" Amys eyes bore into Caroline's seeking sympathy from her Doctor friend.
"Josh, I know it might be painful for you. But clearly Amy feels like you don't understand what she went through. What she felt, what she still feels and struggles with"
"But it not just her, I'm in this relationship too. I'm affected too! I feel like I can't get through to her, she says more in here than she does to me all week. She's pushing me away, i'm not saying I don't deserve it. I know what I did, what I lost. what I ruined. But we can't get it back if she doesn't meet me half way. Do you even want to get back together Ames, I mean really, deep down in your heart. Do you want to be how we were again?"
The honesty of his question reached down to her core, reached and grabbed ahold of something she'd been trying to surpess. She didn't want to be, the way they were. She didn't wanna be that woman again, his affair had awoken something in her too and now she was too alive to put it back to sleep.
"I don't know Josh" Her voice was faint and timid and unlike the woman she'd recently become.
"Oh don't give me that bull Ames, its a yes or no answer. Simple". He was growing impatient and didn't care anymore what she thought, he was tired of going around on her sick ferris wheel. Its was time to move on.
"Alright. No. No, I don't wanna go back to how we were," Her answer seemed to surprise herself more than Josh or Caroline and her hand flew to her mouth as if to check whether it were her lips that let her secret out.
