Christmas Blues

Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. Its always possessed a magical feeling to me and I just remember them being full of love and fun. Of course, now my brothers have families of their own so there are fewer of us together for dinner. But they come around on Boxing Day and we exchange gifts and eat leftovers. So for me, as someone who loves Christmas, the best possible gift ever would be to have Adam here. We've never spent a Christmas together and every year we always say to each other, next year. next year. next year. Well, I guess our first Christmas together will have to be next year. Even though I've got everything ready to send to him for his visa, even though we've never been this close to getting his visa before. I just don't think its going to happen in time for Christmas. And even if it does, I just don't think we'll be able to afford the December flight prices. Common sense dictates that we should save money and book in January. But Christmas doesn't fall in January. It falls in December and I won't get the Christmas magic of sharing my favourite day with my family and my fiance. I guess its just a reminder of so much of my life. Its either something with Adam or something with my family, but the two are never mixed. I guess I'm feeling a little lonely and sorry for myself. But it doesn't help when all they play at work are Christmas love songs. Please Come Home For Christmas. Lonesome This Christmas Without You. And of course, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU...

Just Thinking

And No, it doesn't hurt!

I'm still trying to get all the things I need to send to Adam together. I just want him here already, I don't think there's anyone who doesn't know that by now. In so many ways Adam defines who I am, but I'm also so much more. Is it strange to think that way? I know I was someone before him and if occurs, I know I'll be someone after him. But...he's just so much of me. In a way I can't even begin to explain. So I wont try!

My mum was going through some of her things the other night. And she is indeed a hoarder. She keeps so much JUNK! Anyway, she came across these old photos from the 70s. My dad actually had hair. An Afro to be exact. Posing away. And then there were some pictures of my mum and dad together. When they were younger than Adam and I. They seemed so in love. And I wondered, were they ever like Adam and I. Did they too think that they'd be together forever. That they'd overcome every and anything? I just wonder, I've never been divorced and I'd never like to be. But I wonder who people get from the point of being so in love with someone to not wanting to be with them anymore. I truly hope that Adam and I don't end up disliking each other. Unable to have civil conversations. I hope that we'll both be willing to keep trying.

Anyway, my Dad is helping me with some of the visa things for Adam. So hopefully I'll have that ready to send off to Adam next week. Its so exciting!

Visa Issues

I swear, just when I start feeling like I've got all this visa stuff figured out, something comes along to pull the rug out. Seriously, why do they make it so diffcult to just be with the person you love??? I think Adam and I have waited long enough. I'm not going to be deterred though, I'm going to do anything and everything that I possibly can. I just wanna apply already, we've come so close to the finishing line, I don't want us to stumble. But I have found some great online forums which gives me great help and makes me feel less alone.
Thank goodness I have Adam, I'm just getting ready to call him. He should be home from work in a little. I just wish he was coming home to me already. Sometimes I give him such a hard time. But bless him, he takes it like a champ. He has this abilty to make he feel all better. Soothe my soul. And right now, he's just what I need.

Obama wins 2008 election

It certainly is a monumental occassion, congratulations to the Obama team and the many Americans who were brave enough and willing enough to vote for change.

On another note, Adam and I had a...disagreement...last night. I wouldn't call it an argument because he started going off like he does and I hung up the phone. I'm certainly not going to let myself get upset because he wants to act like a prick. So now I'm not talking to him...I wonder if he even knows this yet??? Anyway, I won't be calling him tonight. Long as I know nothings happened to him, I'm fine just getting my own space for a bit. Course, its more difficult to get him out of my head. But I'm trying.

Bored

I'm a little bit bored. I'm looking forward to getting paid next week so I can save money and watch it grow. It'll make me feel like Adam and I are getting closer to our goal. And next week onwards I want to focus on going to the gym much more often, really loose weight. Other than that, everything else is boringly normal!

realisations

I have to remember to add my bday pictures from FB to my account, everyone elses pics are so funny and I hardly remember most of them being taken. its crazy!

everything is pretty crazy like always, still where I want to be in life. is that just a permanent condition?

I was talking to Robbie on FB tonight about everything and I guess I realised that I don't have many ways to define myself independent of the people I love and care for. I define myself in reference of who I am to my family and Adam and my friends. But who am I or who would I be without them? I dont know. maybe that's good, maybe thats bad. I said to him that so much of who i am is entwined with my relationship with adam because we met so young and kinda grew together. who i am and who he is, has something to do with who we are as a couple. i guess I need to get back on track with what I need to do. which i'll do right now.

and though he suggested that there is so much that i wont get to experience and do because i'm getting married so young. i dont care, there are so many things i would have missed out on if i wasnt in love with adam. and like i said, it doesnt matter if i end up part of the 70% who get divorced because no matter what i'll know that right now and for the past four years, i've loved adam more than i knew a person could love. i've loved him with everything and he's loved me with everything. he frustrates me and sometimes we dont get each other but i wouldnt change him for the world!

My 23rd Birthday

Tags: Liquid/Envy, Birthday

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To be ALONE!

To be ALONE!
Current mood: exhausted
Category: confined Life

I know some people hate being on their own, either in their own home or in life in general. But when you're always surrounded by people, sometimes it'd just be nice to have the place to yourself to relax...ALONE!

I have a lot of girlfriends who always have to be in a relationship, they can't handle being single. Before Adam I was single for a long time and being without Adam is somewhat like being single anyway. I don't get to have date nights with anyone, I don't get kisses when I'm down. What Adam and I do have is great and I truly treasure it. I guess when we're finally together it'll take some adjusting for us. Being around each other all the time will be new but exciting. I didn't think Adam and I could experience anything new by now. But living together will be a first for us.

I hate living at home. I don't get my own space and I don't get appreciated for being here. I cannot wait for Adam and I to get this visa thing on the road. I really need it to work out for us, not just so we can finally be together but so that I can finally move out. I've spoken to him about me moving out before but he doesn't like the thought of me living alone. He worries a lot that something will happen to me. Apparently England is too dangerous!

Well, gonna go get ready for work. Gotta go earn that money!

New Start

 

I spent last night and this morning filling out an application for an office job. I've never really had an office job before, I'm usually right there in the pit dealing with customers on a face to face basis. Which I like, but this job will be paying more and is only three days a week so would fit around my current work and any other engagements. I really just want something to supplement my income so that I can save money for Adam to come over. It would also mean that I could afford to pay for driving lessons and keep my personal trainer. Adam tells me I'm rich for having one but that isn't the case at all. I just know that on my own I wouldn't be able to shift the weight and I need a little help. Same way I need a driving instructor, I can't do it on my own. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for help when we need it. In fact, I don't think people do it often enough.

I'm not sure if I'm seeing a body difference from going to the gym. I haven't been weighing myself simply because I'm too scared. Course, I tell people its because I've been gaining muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. But really I'm afraid to find out that after all my hard work I haven't lost anything or that i've even gained weight. And I'll tell you, the gym can be really hard horrible work. Once I managed to get past all the women in the changing rooms who are all too comfortable with being naked in front of everyone. I then have to get over my insecurities about running on the treadmill and having my butt fly everywhere. Or sweating like an animal when the old guy next to me has been at it for an hour. It can just be tough! Still, I'm hopeful that by the next time Adam sees me I'll be super sexy and super slim. One can hope, right?

Does Anybody Hear Her

These are the lyrics to my favourite Casting Crowns song. Not sure why I like this song, but it speaks to me somehow.

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

Never even met her


Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

 

This is my favourite picture of Adam and I, it was taken when we were in St. Augustine last month.

Missing him but forever hopeful!

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Florida March 2008

Whoa! What happened here then? I swear every time I come to my journal its changed. Its starting to feel less and less like it belongs to me.

Anyway, I only came here to ask....

DID I MENTION I'M SPENDING EASTER IN FLORIDA???

Cannot wait, its been too long since I've seen my fiance, whom I've been engaged to for almost a year. Where does the time go?

I guess everyone will be getting Easter cards from FL and not London, sorry. xx

Not much has been going on

I find that there hasn't been too much happening for me right now, i'm just working and going to school. I don't really find much time for rest or play and so life is pretty boring right now. Which is good because sometimes drama can be stressful...but sometimes you want just a little bit of something in your life. Just to remind you that you're alive.

I haven't been too active in jland, it comes and goes. Most of the time I just find myself lying in bed reading entries. But since i'm lying down I don't comment, just read. I've noticed that a lot of people have packed up and left or taken breaks. I suppose it happens for different reasons but again, it just depends who you're journaling to. When I write, I'm writing to you guys (whoever may or may not be reading) but I write whatevers on my mind, not necessarily something that folks would like to read. I'm just not the kind of person who'll have double digit comments and there's no way i'd be able to read that many journals!

Sunday was mothers day over here, I got my mum a new watch for when she goes out. She got a book, chocolates and flowers and I think she was pretty happy. She got a nice "happy mothers day grandma" card from Nathan and Chanae. For the longest time my mum was looking forward to being a grandma, my brothers waited until their late twenties to have kiddies. And I'm sure she's waiting for my sister and I...well, maybe not so much my sister but maybe me. But like I tell Adam the time is not right now, there will be a lot more waiting going on. I do look forward to having children one day but its life changing and so that one day isn't any day soon. I did watch a programme the other day talking about motherhood and it successfully put me off a few more years when the women were talking about tearing!? OUCH! and said they waited months before their sex lives got back to anything almost normal. It didn't make me feel much better when Adam said that sex afterwards would be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, have to love his sense of humour. I guess I won't be celebrating mothers day for a while.

Things are good between Adam and I. I'm still surprised by the ways I love him, does that sound mean? cause its not meant to.  I just mean, i'm sometimes overwhelmed by how much he really means to me. how much a person can love another person. care for another person. on a day to day basis, yes I say it but I don't necessarily feel it in that all powerful way. but sometimes we'll be talking about something or we'll think about something and i'll get hit by that truck of love. i dont know, i dont think i'm explaining myself very well. hopefully, i'll be visiting for Easter and then once i'm gone he'll send in his visa application. When that happens I think i'll be sitting with everything crossed!

Well, i'm gonna get ready for class today. When I get home i've a recording of America's Next Top Model to watch. I love it. And I'm also watching Big Brother: til death do us part. I'm really a fan of American reality shows, I dont watch the British ones. Oh and of course, American Idol. And i've been watching Bad Girls club on the Oxygen website. I'm a reality show junkie. Everytime I'm watching the hills my brother walks in and tells me its not real and we get into an argument about it, its quite sad but amusing.

My little brother (I say little but he recently turned 13, he is officially a teenager) has gone away on a school trip. They took 15 kids from his year who are doing really well in school as a treat. He's in the top classes for all his subjects and the teachers are really impressed with is work and attitude so we're all really proud of him. I'm liking being able to watch whatever I want without him interupting, but I miss him. Sssh! Don't tell!

there's nothing like staring at a blank page. i wonder if this could be considered writers block if you're not actually a writer?

the sounds of Lauryn Hill and Sade are soothing my soul right now. this is actually my sad song list, the song list i created after what happened. funny how life has no certainties, no answers. i do wonder sometimes what the grand scheme is...if there is one. i guess that's where faith comes in. i might not have religion but i have faith. just wish i had faith in myself. certainty in myself. one day your life can seem so wonderful, carefree. and the next, a double decker bus comes and knocks down your deck of cards. wham. everyhings different. that's how it was for josh and me. Josh and I. who knows, maybe what happened didn't change the course of our relationship, maybe it just hurried us down the path. one day, i'm totally oblivious to everything. and the next, the next he tells me he slept with the woman next door. what's the saying, thou shalt not covert thy neighbours wife. oops. he did. "I slept with her." I'm still not sure what exactly he expected me to do with that information, guess I did what any niave and dependant woman would do. I stayed with him. when I say dependant, I don't mean financially. I am and always have been able to support myself, I didn't get a masters degree cause I like the paper its printed on. No, I was emotionally dependant upon him. Right from the start i gave him everything, not all at once mind. it wasn't easy for him to gain my trust, but when i gave him my heart, I really gave him my heart. all of it, even now as i look back on it i'm still not sure whether that was a mistake or not. I mean, if you're gonna love someone you ought to love them with everything you've got. and that would have worked out just fine if he'd of given me everything he had too.

 

"where have you been? its almost our turn to go in!"

"i'm sorry, i got held up". Even now, as she looked at him, hair wild with droplets of sweat streaming down the side of his face. even now she wondered if he really had been kept late at work. I mean, he used work as an excuse when really he was just a few doors down, with her. he'd used all kinds of excuses and she didn't see through them, didnt want to see through them. the thought of smelling him for perfume or examing his clothes for lipstick entered her mind. but she slowly forced them down.

"well, at least you're here now. i had to call in a whole bunch of favours to get this appointment. if you're serious about giving things another go..."

"I am" his speedy reaction brought a smile to her face, but she forced that back too. she couldn't make it too easy on him, not after what she'd been through.

"Well, now's the time to show me"

As they walked into the well decorated office and took a seat on the couch it was impossible not to notice her shift along the couch and increase the distance between them. At one point they couldn't sit next to each other without having hands or legs wrapped together, it was clear that their problems ran deep, but if they were looking for help on fixing things they'd come to the right place.

"Hi Amy, Josh. I'm Dr Keyes. You can call me Caroline. I know this might all seem a little scary. nobody takes their marriage vows and expects to be visiting someone like me. But I have all sorts of clients, newlyweds to veterans. teenyboppers to senior citizens. When you're here, there's no need to be afraid or apprehensive. If you don't open up, we won't be able to fix things. Sound ok so far?", Amys nod came slow and deep whilst Josh's would rivial that of a nodding dog on a dash board, "So, let's begin with you Josh. Why are you here?"

Hands in lap and head cast down Josh looked almost like a child about to be scolded and Amy felt a long forgotten rush to protect him from the inquring eyes of Dr Keyes.

"I guess, ultimately i'm here because I want to work things out with Amy. i want to save my marriage. I had an affair and I want to make things right again."

"Often Josh, affairs can be a sign of a deeper problem in a marriage. And without communication those problems grow and manifest themselves in a number of ways. In your case it resulted in an affair".

"But I don't think there was anything wrong with our marriage to begin with. Things were fine, great even. It was just a silly, drunken mistake. One that i'll regret for the rest of my life".

The first visit to Caroline hadn't seemed so bad, but as the months went by and by, Amys frustration only seemed to grow. Every bill that arrived or journey to her office only seemed to increase her hostility towards Josh for putting them in this situation. Dinners were barely tolerable and the sleeping arrangments depended upon her mood. It was clear to anyone that Josh would have eaten dog food for dinner every night and slept outside if she'd commanded it, but somehow it wasn't enough. He still didn't seem to understand, to feel everything she'd felt.

"I just don't feel like he understands" Amys eyes bore into Caroline's seeking sympathy from her Doctor friend.

"Josh, I know it might be painful for you. But clearly Amy feels like you don't understand what she went through. What she felt, what she still feels and struggles with"

"But it not just her, I'm in this relationship too. I'm affected too! I feel like I can't get through to her, she says more in here than she does to me all week. She's pushing me away, i'm not saying I don't deserve it. I know what I did, what I lost. what I ruined. But we can't get it back if she doesn't meet me half way. Do you even want to get back together Ames, I mean really, deep down in your heart. Do you want to be how we were again?"

The honesty of his question reached down to her core, reached and grabbed ahold of something she'd been trying to surpess. She didn't want to be, the way they were. She didn't wanna be that woman again, his affair had awoken something in her too and now she was too alive to put it back to sleep.

"I don't know Josh" Her voice was faint and timid and unlike the woman she'd recently become.

"Oh don't give me that bull Ames, its a yes or no answer. Simple". He was growing impatient and didn't care anymore what she thought, he was tired of going around on her sick ferris wheel. Its was time to move on.

"Alright. No. No, I don't wanna go back to how we were," Her answer seemed to surprise herself more than Josh or Caroline and her hand flew to her mouth as if to check whether it were her lips that let her secret out.

I'm not quite sure what is with me. I've been really absent from journal land. It doesn't really bother me too much if I don't update too often but I don't get to spend as much time in other journals as i'd like. I read but I don't always get around to the commenting part, I convince myself that i'll email the journal writer but I never do. I need a good kick up my butt. A kick up the butt when it comes to journaling and when it comes to working out!

I'm much better with telephones, I can sit on the phone and talk for ages. Its a good thing we signed up for free calls to the USA, otherwise i'd still be paying crazy phone bills! Anyone who would like a call from the UK email me your number and we'll have a nice telephone catch up session...otherwise, I promise i'll get around to journals and I promise to exercise off the double cheeseburger fries and milkshake I had yesterday and the week before. I really hope Adam doesn't read that or I will be sorry! lol!

Speaking of the man I love, his valentines day gifts arrived yesterday and he seems pretty chuffed. Mine arrived the day before and he lovingly let me open it early since I was having a tough day. He got me a beautiful jacket from Forever21, I love that store. Its cream which means it won't be an every day jacket but its machiene washable. I'm sure Adam didn't think about that but I am uber impressed with his choice. Its most certainly something i'd pick for myself but probably wouldn't bring myself to buy. Also on my wish list, dooney & bourke bag and purse...oh and Ugg boots. Now that I hope he reads! lol!

I also asked him to send me virtual flowers. He wanted to get me the real thing but I didn't quite like the idea of spending so much money on flowers (the prices are hiked up because its a holiday) that'll only die in a week. And as much as I love the idea of virtual flowers, I did go past a florist stall and they had the most beautiful roses. One day, when we're together we'll get a decent vday but for now its gonna be just another day but with and extra long distance hug and I love you.

Its getting late, I'm finding it tough cause with school and work I don't get one day off. I'm missing sleep. I think we should get compulsory naps after lunch, that'd make things so much easier!

Hugs to ALL.

My AOL Hell!

I got home from work yesterday and the first thing I always do is turn my computer on so I can sign on. Not sure why cause I don't have any pressing emails, but its habit. Comfort if you like, the gentle hum of my computer brings me comfort. Lulls me to sleep. Well, I can't get online. What the heck is going on!?

I turn off my comp and start from the beginning. Still the same thing. I turn off my netgear router that AOL gave me, again nothings happening.

I'm starting to panic, the fear of not being able to get online surges up inside me. I'm sure you've all been there, just 24 hours without being able to get online brings the panic attacks for me.

When I spoke to customer services earlier and she said, "I'll have to re-order your broadband and I won't lie to you, it might take up to 10 days", I did shed a tear. 10 DAYS WITHOUT INTERNET!  I'd be climbing the walls, I know the new season of Americas Next Top Model just started back but that only provides me with an hours distraction.

Well, today from the moment I woke up to about 10 minutes ago I've been dealing with the incompetence of AOL representatives. Somewhere during that period I did go to work for 4 hours but as stressful as work is AOL has the art of stressful and annoyance down to a T.

I spoke to 4 different AOL LiveHelp Representatives, I wanted to reach my hand into my computer and stangle all but 1 of them. They didn't seem to understand that there was nothing wrong with my phone line since I could connect via dial up but got nothing when I connected my router.

They asked me to do the same thing that the person before them asked me to do. I kinda did have a hostile typing tone when I spoke to the last guy but by then i'd lost all patience. He said that since I could only talk to him via dial up I needed to call in and get help.

Ok, so why couldn't the three other people before you tell me that???

Course calling AOL will cost you a small fortune these days as you get passed from department to department at the cost of 5p a minute. 15 minutes later i'm being passed back to the technical department but having to wait in the que again! Sure, singing along to The Son of a Preacher Man distracts your mind for a moment. Until you glance at the clock on your comp that tells you you've been singing your AOL karaoke for 47 minutes and you won't be spending your over time money on dinner and a movie but on the phone bill.

I'm being told my broadband has been cancelled...so it was working yesterday morning but not yesterday evening, why would my phone service provider cancel my broadband in the middle of the day and on a Sunday...ok, wait, its active on your other screen name...well, that's the screen name i'm trying to use so why's it not working...oh thats a technical support question i'll try and contact them and find out...back to Marvin Gaye; Heard It Through The Grapevine & back to India I go...FINALLY...after a day of HELL, I get through to Dhawan (I like it when they use their real name, I know I'm talking to you from India so why pretend your name is Tom or Dave). He takes me through the same steps as the other useless LiveHelp techs but this time he asks me to make different selections??? huh? wa? why different. I'm thinking he doesn't know what he's doing since 4 other people have told me to do something different. I'm thinking he's wrong...wait or could he be the only bright spark in a very dark and dim room known as AOL technical support representatives??? Yes. He is. He fixes it all for me. Cue the fireworks, orchestra and loud Herbal Essences orgasm. I'm back online the broadband way.

If you've an AOL Hell story that you'd like to share, contact us free on 0800 AOL SORT YOURSELVES OUT!!! or visit us on our website at:

www.I'dLeaveAOLifIdidntHaveA12MonthContract.com

Guys Don't Make Passes At Girls Who Wear Glasses

I haven't updated this year! Wow!

Well, i'm still alive. Things are good. Nothing to complain about, nothing great to write home about. But i'm hopeful for this year. Adam says its our year. The year we finally get to be together for always. Trust me, i'm praying and crossing everything I have to cross.

Just wanted to post some pictures. I got glasses, I needed them. I used to wear them years ago when I was younger and the government paid for them. When I had to start paying for them I stopped wearing them, bad I know. Well, my eyes went down hill and I was getting really bad headaches. Now I'm back to wearing glasses and £205 pounds outta pocket!

Here are a few pics of me in my specs!

My girlie friends from work, Jade, Liz & Me

 

Me and Liz

Me, Jade & Monique

 

Well, I'm not wanting guys to make passes at me anyway. I already have the bestest fiance this girlie could ask for.

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