2011

I haven't updated in a long time. This is because I have nothing new to say, life is monotonous. The same days over and over. Life is what you make of it, at least that's what they say. So I have made it so my life is the same each day. Maybe in 2011 I shall do things I don't usually. But I doubt it, by my age most people are set in their ways. Or at least set in their routine. And honestly, when I think about it, I can't be bothered to make a change. I say I will, TOMORROW. I know I'm not the only one. There are always diets to start and cigarettes to stop smoking but most people agree that TOMORROW is the day to start these things. Well, tomorrow is 2011...so maybe I will.


Happy New Year!

First hit of snow 2010

I've been sick the past few days, which is never a pleasurable experience. I don't usually get a full on stomach flu, so this was something I was not expecting and not at all prepared to deal with. But given the time of year, I guess it was due. Of course, my family avoided me as best possible. Only Adam visited me in my den of sickness and even gave me kisses on the cheek. At least my husband was willing to stare bacteria in the face and keep loving his wife. Thankfully, I didn't pass it one to anyone else...least not yet any way.
I have come to discover that I don't enjoy being confined to my bed, it is the most boring experience. I did spend a great deal of time sleeping but even then, there are so many hours you can sleep. Television is abysmal at this time of year and I don't have a good book to read (must visit Amazon tomorrow). I suppose I should take this as a lesson to stock up on multi-vitamins during the winter season. Today we got our first hit of snow and I am so glad that I had the day off work. In fact, I haven't stepped out the the house yet today. I say, yet, but really I have no plans to leave the house at this time of night. I always say, after a certain time of night anybody out on the street isn't looking for anything good. And when it's snowing out, that couldn't be more true. Inside warm, outside cold. Simple.

I currently have my fifth load of laundry in the washing machine and I still don't feel like I've made a dent. I guess its officially time to put away all my summer clothes and get the knits and thermals ready. Of course, I don't feel like I even had a chance to enjoy some of my summer time clothes but that is usually the way it goes. And I suppose the major bonus is that I can start my plan of loosing weight for next summer!

Full Plate!

Do you know how in every relationship there is one responsible spouse and one "fun", "laid back", "fly by the seat of my pants" spouse. Well, I think its more than fair to say that in my relationship, I am the responsible spouse. You know, the one who remembers when the
credit card bill is due or to buy toilet paper when we're out. Where as Adam is the one shouting out the bathroom door for me to bring him soap.

I don't dislike being the "responsible one" but it does get kinda old when I'm constantly being told that I nag and mother him too much. I'm not an obsessive person who needs everything in their place but everything in its place just makes for an easier life.

At the moment I am kind of stressed out. There is just too much going on and too much on the schedule ahead. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like problems and especially doesn't like to wallow in problems. Instantly, my main thought is how to handle a problem and make it go away. So when something is out of my control and I'm stuck twiddling my thumbs, I hate it.

Actually, I am a controlling person. Just a little. I just asked Adam if he thought I was controlling and he said that I'm probably just controlling enough to balance out his nonchalant attitude.

Maybe that's how it is supposed to work, maybe that is why we work. We balance each other out, it is true that one of the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place is because he is different to me. He is more outdoors than I am and exposed me to camping and fishing; I didn't hate the camping but fishing is boring! And I suppose I exposed him to city living; which he hates, none too happy to witness the "social decay of the city" as he so kindly says.

I am obviously a city girl and that is all I've ever really known. However I am looking forward to starting out somewhere new. A different kind of lifestyle and a different pace of living. And honestly, more and more I'm thinking about starting a family and I wouldn't want to do that in a city. I don't think there was anything wrong with it 10 years ago, but now...well, I can only speak of my city and I understand why Adam says there is social decay. It's a crazy situation when groups of teenagers control and bring fear to adults. I think Adam is looking forward to moving to a town where teenagers don't talk back to police officers and don't gather on streets intimidating, mugging or attacking adults. What can I say, that would be a whole new experience to me!

A bird can love a fish but where shall they live?

There seems to be so much going on at the moment or at least so much to think about. Of course, foremost in my mind is the knowledge that Adam will be leaving later this year or early next year. Coming to terms with the fact that I won't be able to be with my husband for a large part of 2011 is quite distressing. We honestly thought that our time of being apart had come to an end but when a bird loves a fish, there is always the question of immigration. Forms and fees and just basically bowing down and begging a country to let you in.

We have a least decided on which visa I'm going to apply for and we have a good idea of how it all works, it doesn't seem as complicated as it did at first glance. And it will mean that I will be issued with a green card on arrival in the US, but of course, as with most things in life, I am not guaranteed to receive it. The fact that Adam and I have been in a relationship since 2004 and married for nineteen months does of course validate our relationship. But it isn't a straightforward, "yes you love him, you're married, of course you want to live together, Come In!". We still have to prove that during the time we've been married on paper, we have actually been living as man and wife. I also have to pass a medical and attend an interview which I'm sure I also have to pass.

It seems that having to live apart for the majority of our relationship wasn't enough of a test because now the US government wants to give our relationship a test of its own.

Oh, I don't know. It's not that I don't understand why they have all these procedures in place. I understand the importance of stopping the convenience marriages, which are only about a green card. I just hate thinking that in a couple months, I'm gonna return to the home I've shared with my husband and he's not going to be there. His clothes will be gone, his Spanish flash cards will no longer clutter my desk and eventually his smell will go too. It's horrible because I've been there before, we've been apart before and it's always painful to say goodbye and not know when we'll see each other again.

I shan't despair just yet, there will be more than enough of these sad entries in the coming weeks. For now, I just want to spend as much time as possible enjoying my husband; who can annoy the crapolla outta me sometimes but looks so cute doing it that I gotta kiss him!

Home Alone

Tonight I had aspirations of spending the night alone. I planned to come home from work, pick up a ready meal and spend the night watching tv and indulging in my latest novel. My mum was invited to a friends 60th birthday party and my dad is throwing a "boxing party". He purchased the much anticipated fight between David Haye and Audley Harrison and my dear husband and brothers are all overjoyed to watch grown men hit each other until one falls over or gives up.
I had better hopes for my evening but as usual, they were dashed. After finishing a long day at work, got to love retail, I called home to find that not only was everyone still there but nobody had thought to get anything for dinner. In my household, preparing dinner is never easy, simply because my mother is a fussy eater. She doesn't eat any of the meals that are easy and quick to prepare after along day. Nor does she eat Chicken or Pasta or Mexican food which is well loved by everyone else. In the end I made a prawn and a chicken stir fry (no chicken for mother, obviously), which I am not ashamed to say was delish!

Eventually, my brother and husband went off to my dads and I was two down, one to go. In fact, as I write my mother is sitting on the other end of the couch snoozing, waiting for her friend to collect her so they can go out. Now, maybe it says more about me than it does her. After all, I don't know too many twenty five year olds who are sitting in on a Saturday night reading Catcher in the Rye. My best friend is out in Soho, drinking and dancing and doing things that I haven't done in years. So the fact that my mother has plans to go out at a time of day that to me is bed time, does make me wonder if I've become a bit of a hermit.

I am not uncomfortable with the idea of spending the night alone. Every once in awhile, I like to spend some time alone. I can't explain why, sometimes I can be very extrovert and sometimes I can be an introvert. And it has been a long time since I've been able to sit at home and just relax alone, catch up on my tv shows or sit and read a book uninterrupted. I like that. I do however think that I haven't been social in a long time. I find many reasons for this or maybe I should say excuses. I can blame it on our economic situation, I really can't afford going out somewhere. Club entrance fees, drinks and a taxi back very quickly add up, especially when my husband drinks alcohol like ginger ale. Also, I don't feel like getting dressed up these days. I can't remember the last time I got my hair done, my eyebrows need threading and thanks to my lack of will power, nothing fits! For some reason, when I get my hair done and eyebrows threaded, I can feel like a million bucks! When I don't, well I might as well put a bag over my face because I don't at all feel confident.

I would like to go out more, I used to go out every weekend and I would have a great time with my friends. Now, my circle of friends has become much smaller. I really only have a hand full of friends whom I value greatly but we don't get to get together very often. Life has become more complicated and a lot more expensive! Adam does enjoy going out and once I get there I do too but in the back of my mind I'm worrying about how much we spend. I'm also aware of all the pretty girls in their pretty dresses with their slim figures and I just feel like a blub! I'm so not going to rant about my weight issues though, nothing happens over night and I have to make a focused effort when I have time and money to get a gym membership again.

I'm back to working full time and I'm excited about the pay cheques and using them towards Adam and I making a life for ourselves. We will be moving to TN, where his parents are. They used to live in FL but moved up there earlier this year to live in the mountains. Neither Adam or I have been there but I am excited to see what life will be like, how I will adjust to living in a new place and having to make friends. Of course, before I can even think about that I have to go through the immigration processes, daunting and expensive! We are attempting to start my application in January so that Adam can stay here until I'm approved and then we can go together. I hope that 2011 will be a completely different year for us, as individuals and as a couple. I hope that we can have a home of our own and continue to grow together as a couple. I would like to get our marriage blessed and have Adams parents there to witness. I hope that Adam finds a wonderful job that he is proud of, I am always aware of how difficult it is for him to be my husband but be unable to provide financially. But when he despairs over it, I remind him that he provides for me in so many other ways. I know, without a doubt, that I couldn't and wouldn't be the person I am today without his constant love and support. I do have a good man.

Finally, at 23:40, my mother is out the door with her friends. I cannot imagine just leaving to go out now, especially when it is cold outside. Did I mention that she's wearing heels...I can't recall the last time I wore heels. Well, finally the house is quiet, all except for my typing and the whirl of the tumble drier. Time to put my feet up, eat a mini chocolate swiss role and watch How I Met Your Mother before bed. Good night all xx

REPOST ADDITION: Exactly 8 minutes after my mum walks out the door and I have the house to myself, my husband and brother return! So much for some alone time...would it be crazy of me to one day get a hotel room just so I could have some time alone!?!

Chumps and Husbands

Chumps always make the best husbands...All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains.
P.G. Woodhouse
The Adventures of Sally (1920)

I came across the above quote and found it humorous, only because it is exactly the kind of quote that my husband would hate!

It has been a few days since I've blogged now, I suppose it is true to say that life gets in the way but it is also the fact that I often find that I do not have much to write about. My blog is mostly details of my life as opposed to be a themed blog and at the minute I feel like there isn't much happening. Of course, Adam and I are still in the process of us preparing for me to move Stateside with him, which I am excited about. It was difficult letting my family know, of course they knew we planned to make the move eventually, but the decision was made sooner than most expected. My nephew, bless his heart, said to me "No, you're moving in a few years". Because that is what I've always said and he didn't seem too happy with the idea that a few years had come two years earlier than scheduled.

I'm not sure what my last post was about but Adam is doing OK. He didn't have to have his jaw wired shut, which he is happy about, but he is having difficulties in following the docs orders and sticking to soft foods. He doesn't like the thought of eating just soups and noodles, he's used to eating lots and for him soup just doesn't cut it. So he often cheats and has what the rest of us has, which then results in him being in pain. I'm used to him not listening to my advice, even though it frequently proves to be the right advice, but his not listening to the doctor is just silly. I'm not sure why men have to make everything so much more difficult than in necessary!

We were watching TV tonight and it was basically a show about three families who have a child with special needs. Autism, Downs Syndrome and EB.
It was really emotional to watch because you saw not only these children have pain or face difficulties but you also saw these parents struggle. I cannot imagine what it must be like to know that your child is sick because there was a 1 in 500,000 chance that both you and your partner had the same recessive gene. Or to wonder whether vaccinating your child caused her autism. And of course, to struggle with the decision of whether to continue a pregnancy if you know that your child will be born with special needs. I couldn't imagine and hope I don't have to one day face making a decision like that. And I'm not sure if I could have the strength to take care of a child with special needs, especially if my child would be in constant pain. Perhaps, nobody thinks they would be strong enough until faced with the possibility. Sometimes you can have a perfectly healthy child and an accident leaves them completely dependant upon you for the rest of their life. The one thing I always think about is, what happens when they child becomes an adult but you are no longer around to take care of them? Who could you trust to take care of your child the way you would, could you believe that a friend or distant relative could be as patient as you and not neglect them in anyway? Food for though I guess.

We're hoping to get out the house tomorrow and do a little exploring of London town, but the weather has been so crappy of late, we'll have to see how it goes. And I shall take the time to reflect on my day and attempt to come back with a decent post!

Turn your lights down low

This one I like because it's all the men in my life, though my Dad isn't in the picture he's taking it.



My family. Brothers and dad along the back, mum on the right. Sister and BFF in the purple and my BFFs mum looking at her camera



Adam and I and my parents.




I've just been looking through my wedding pictures online, looking at them and remembering that day makes me smile. I think for the some time, I was unable to appreciate how special the day was because it wasn't "the wedding of my dreams". We didn't have much money and had to make things work as best we could. My dad did the photographs (as he is a professional photographer) my best friends mum made our wedding cakes and my mum made the food. It was a registry office ceremony, then back to ours for food and drink. We didn't have a traditional first dance and I didn't throw my bouquet, I didn't wear white (though for the record I could have!). But for all the things we could have done differently with more money, my wedding day was truly special. Primarily because it was the start of Adam and I making a life together, but also because I had all of my family and close friends there. All happy for us, celebrating with us. And though I wasn't slim and I didn't remember to retouch my makeup throughout the day, it was such a wonderful day. The only thing I would change, would be to have Adams parents there. Due to financial restraints coupled with the fact that Adams mom has never flown before, they weren't able to make it. But I do hope that once we're settled in America we can have our wedding vows blessed and they can be present then.

Thank you for your kind words and prayers for Adam. Right now my husband is haunted. He lay awake last night crippled by rage. He finds it very difficult to believe that the police will find or do anything about the group who attacked him. They do live in our neighbourhood, he has seen them before and in all likelihood, he will see them again. This is where my fear comes in, because with a broken jaw it doesn't take a hard hit to make it worse. Of course there is the fear that they might have weapons next time. And ultimately the fear that if he does come across them again, in that moment common sense will leave him and he will instead lash out in anger. It is such a tense situation right now.

Nothing is helped by the fact that the hospital have done nothing at all to help him. After all the hours we spent at A&E, he left only with painkillers, the same ones I was given by my GP when I had Piles. The doctor told us on Sunday that we could receive a phone call the following day so that he could meet with the specialist who would decide what to do. Monday came and went and they didn't call. I tried calling all afternoon and didn't get anyone who could help. When I called again today, the receptionist couldn't find the file on the system. It turns out that the doctors are supposed to email the receptionist and let her know who to contact, except the doctor hadn't done that. She went to track him down and said she could make an appointment for next week Monday. This is just for the consultation, not for any procedure which would need to be done. I explained that Monday is not good enough, he is in more pain as he heard something crack and he is barely able to eat. So tomorrow we go in as an emergency to see the consultant.

My feelings towards my own country have soured greatly. It's not that I don't read stories on the news about crime and bad hospital treatment, I do, it is just different when it is someone you know and love. I cannot understand a system where it is acceptable to leave someone for this amount of time with a broken jaw. In pain and unable to eat properly. Sometimes, he wakes in the night because he rolls onto the broken side of his face. I could very easily right now, rant about how badly this system is overused and understaffed. About how this country is in decline because of a socialist system that takes from those who contribute and gives to those who don't. But I won't, because on Politics, I am pretty much a tube of Pringles. Once I pop, I don't stop. I will say though that lately my political affiliations have begun to shift, as I don't think that governments are really recognising the problems in societies. And when that happens and average people feel like their problems are being ignored, that's when extremist parties take hold. We're already seeing it in the rest of Europe and The Tea Party in America are starting to overshadow moderate Republicans. I honestly think its about time that government wakes up, but also time that individuals wake up and start taking control of their lives. It isn't up to the government or schools to raise children and instill in them what is right and wrong, it is up to the parents. Too many people don't know how to parent, some because they are children themselves. But if we don't start raising the future generation correctly, then there isn't any hope for the world, let alone our countries!

WOW, for someone who wasn't going to talk politics, I sure did talk a lot of politics! lol!

Accident and Emergency at 3am

Please note, I'm too exhausted to proof read before posting. Sorry xx

I spent the best half of this morning in the A&E (accident and emergency), arriving at 3am, just in time to witness the horrors. It's not often that I go to the hospital and rarely ever to A&E and never during the early hours of the morning.

Adam was assulted at around 2am this morning, he was on his way to the store (why he was out at that time, whilst I was sleeping with the rest of civilisation, I don't know. We discussed that already), when a group of teens confronted him and one of them hit him. He was knocked to the ground which caused some bruising, but the punch itself broke his jaw in two places.
He came home and woke me up with the news, which is NOT the best way he's ever woken me up before. Threw on some clothes, called a taxi and went to the hospital.

I know that America is currently working on a national healthcare system, similar to Europe and Canada. And whilst I honestly think that it is a disgrace that there are some Americans living below the poverty line, who have no healthcare at all, our NHS is not the dream some imagine it to be. Whist it means seeing a doctor when you need one and eventually getting any surgery you might need, the treatment you receive it not nearly as good as it should be. And you'll find that most people who can afford it, have some form of private insurance.

The scene in A&E was like nothing I'd ever seen before, lot's of drunk bleeding people. There was a few junkards girlies walking around in the short skirts, making lot's of noise. No bleeding there, not sure what was wrong with them. There was a guy with a swollen black eye which had a cut along the top which needed gluing, story there; he went to stop a fight and some guys walked up to him and punched him in the face. They had a "drunk area" where they had a few down and outs, sitting in wheelchairs sleeping off their booze, one of them apparently fell into the road to sleep there and the police brought him in. There were two guys who were walking home from a night out, eating their kebabs, when a car pulled up. Four Polish guys jumped out and started wailing on them with poles and screwdrivers, didn't know them from anywhere. According to the police, the same man had randomly attacked someone else earlier that night. Then of course, there were people with broken legs, broken fingers, temperatures, head injuries, digusting coughs. There was a somewhat drunk man in a Danger Mouse costume...not sure what he was about, he ended up leaving before being seen by the Dr. Anyway, then there was Adam and I and his broken jaw.

Now, I don't want to appear snobbish, but I didn't feel like I belonged in that waiting room. Not because I think I'm better than any of those people, but to be sitting there because my husband had a broken jaw is insane. I don't really go out in the evenings and if I do, I'm usually home by midnight at the latest. In London, it is true to say that after a certain time, nothing good can come from being out on the streets. There are little punk gangs of kids who go around causing trouble, mugging and assulting people. Adam and I have talked about it constantly, he has a tendancy to roam which I do not like.

We sat and waited for hours, saw one nurse and two doctors, only to be told that we had to wait for a phone call and return on Monday. His jaw is broken, but it is up to the senior facial doctors at the hospital to decide how to proceed. It is broken in two places, so it is in three part and whilst he's not keen on the idea, it will most likely be wired shut. We got to see the x-rays, which was rather cool and the breaks were very clear.

Emotionally, this has been one of the worst experiences we've had together. Knife crime is rife in this city and so I'm just so glad that nothing worse happened to him. The fear of knowing that I could be sleeping in bed and he could be bleeding out somewhere is too distressing to allow myself to fully imagine. Since he's been here, we've just been trying to make a life here with no success. Adam hasn't been able to find a decent job and money is tight. This incident today, really is the final straw. I told Adam that we're leaving, we're going to sort out my visa application so that we can move to America. I'm hoping that nothing will happen to deny my visa, because then we really will be screwed. No clue where we'll live if that happens!

We went to the police today and he gave a statement. They said they'll review the CCTV footage in the area and contact him. It's just all so insane, I know there is a word I'm thinking of to describe how unreal this all feels, but I can't recall it at the moment. It just is so unexpected and the emotional rollercoaster is intense.

So, my halloween...my husband got his draw broken, spent the day in A&E, missed work, decided to move to America. The only down side is that I'll have to drop out of school and I'll miss my niece and nephew, but I don't want anything to happen to my husband and I'm tired of feeling like our life together hasn't started because we're constantly struggling to get by.

My babies from another mother

It has been some time since I've updated. And really I'm going to be lazy and make this mostly a picture entry, just because I'm tired!

Today I went to my creative writing classes then came home to prepare for the arrival of my nephew and niece. Since they're on half term I thought I'd have them round to spend the afternoon watching movies and carving pumpkins. It's not really something that is commonly done in the UK but Uncle Adam is having an American influence on us. Halloween is his favourite holiday, over CHRISTMAS even! And though the kids were excited for the finished product, they didn't exactly enjoy scouping the insides out, refusing to get their hands dirty!




Of course, she's only three and she can't do very much with a plastic spork, but it makes her feel like she's doing it!



At five, he really takes it seriously. He and Adam have a lot in common in regards to movie tastes and the discovery channel, but when they clash...watch out!



The finished products!



They look even better with the light off!












I'm utterly exhausted and the only reason I'm up now is because Adam is still making his spanish vocab cards and so I can't sleep. I would like to do a proper entry tomorrow, but just in case, don't hold me to it. It would be nice to get myself back into the notion of serious pleasure writing, as opposed to assigned writing. It's a good thing I've got next week off school for "enrichment" (more on that tomorrow...maybe).

Spending time with these kids always reminds me that as much as I want kids, I'm SO NOT ready. We don't have the time or the money and I still want more alone time with my husband. But still, it's hard when they're so cute and say the silliest things. I'm certain that my niece is crazy and my nephew has an endless reel of silly jokes.

Have you heard the one about the French cats and the English cats?
There is a french man with three cats and an english man with three cats.
The french cats are called un, deux, trois and the english cats are called one, two, three.
They decide to let their cats have a swimming race.
Do you know who won?
The French cats you say,
NOPE!
Cause Un, Deux, Trois, CAT SANK! lol!
It's kid silly. Still, if I don't have to sing Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes for a couple days, I won't be crying.

Acceptance, Courage, Wisdom

It has been a rather long weekend for me, between work and school work I'm just about pooped. And silly me decided to have myself a relaxing glass of wine with dinner on Friday night, one turned into three and then I woke up with a nice headache which lasted the whole of Saturday. What happened to the days when I could drink and dance all night long? Did my youth abandon me?

Tonight Adam and I watched a show called "Catch It, Kill It, Eat It", they had some young Cows which they turned into Veal. I know there are a lot of people who don't eat Veal because there is a great deal of controversy regarding the living conditions of the Cows beforehand. Now, I have eaten Veal before, actually on more than one occassion. When I was in America, Adam and I went out for dinner with his parents and they recommended the Veal Parmigiana. I didn't know what Veal was, I remember Adam and I having a conversation where I earnestly said "Isn't Veal a baby Seal?", He hasn't let me live it down.
After watching the show tonight, I didn't actually watch all of it, after seeing two young cows being killed, I left the room. It was horrible, the realities of what animals go through would probably put most of us off eating meat, no matter how much we love it. They stun the cows first, the idea being so that they don't feel anything. I think maybe more so they don't run anywhere. Then hang them upside down from their leg, then slit their throat. The blood was horrid, it came gushing out. And they essentially bleed to death, because despite being stunned you can still see them moving some. It was horrible, just horrible. I cannot begin to express it. And it instantly made me want to go back to being a vegetarian. Though as Adam pointed out, it isn't really a luxury that we can afford right now. It makes no sense to me how or why it is cheaper to eat junk than it is to eat healthy. And yet almost every Western country is trying to understand their obesity problem.

Life is currently one financial stress after another at the moment, whilst a nice relaxing cruise around the Caribbean would be wonderful, I'd happily settle for my husband finding a good permanent job. Just setting that little prayer out there or up there, heck if it were my birthday I'd wish for it as I blew out my candles. We haven't been in a position yet to save for a rainy day, we're constantly living in the rainy days. Hand to mouth, pay cheque to pay cheque and it would just be nice to get back on our feet and be able to LIVE. We're constantly feeling like our life is passing us by, forgetting that life isn't the dreams we hope of achieving but the day to day struggle we're in right now. One thing that I think of every day without fail is starting a family, my broody button is broken and won't turn off. It's the wrong time and we could never afford it right now, but I get the feeling that I'm missing out on all the things we want because it's a money struggle.
It stresses me out, trying to think of where we're gonna get the money from to pay the next bill. I think about dropping out of school (but I LOVE my course) and going back to work full time, but then what about the future when I don't have the qualifications I need to get the career I desire. It's all such a mess, which is why reading Hannah's blog tonight gave me some encouragement. It reminded me of my favourite poem, Footprints and this verse in particular;

"The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

I read in the paper that Apple have approved a patent for a system to prevent phone users, especially children, from sending sexually explicit texts; "sexting". Now is it just me or does this sound ridiculous? Though their idea might sound good to some parents out there who don't want their children sending or receiving these kinds of messages, really if your child is sending such messages, doesn't it fall on you to readdress your parenting technique? I think far too often people are forgetting that it is not up to teachers, doctors and now Apple to parent your child. It's up to you, their well being, who they grow up to be is dependant upon the lessons you teach them and the reality you show them. Furthermore, I personally wouldn't want my texts being monitored. Scanned for inappropriate words, that goes just a little too far beyond simple spell checking technology. Will it be monitored to whom I'm sending sexually explicit texts? (I haven't) Shall this technology judge me if I send messages to more than one guy? (Really, I don't send those kinds of messages) Will it let my husband know that I attempted to send a "sext" if we share the same account? (I've never sent those kinds of texts...Me thinks the lady doth protest too much!...No really, I haven't).

Today was a pretty relaxed day, due to the wonder of womanhood, I wasn't feeling at my best so spent the better half of the day laying on the couch eating chocolate and watching TV. I am a bit of a tv whore, I freak out if my shows don't get recorded, gotta get my weekly fix of Private Practice and Fringe. Of course my wonderful husband hates the shows I watch, he's more of an Animal Planet and Discovery Channel kinda guy whereas I'm more of a America's Next Top Model and Desperate Housewives kinda girl. I'm aware of the fact that two tvs are a necessity for us.

I've got a book to finish reading for class, it seems that we'll be reading a book a week for my Reading for Writers class. Which is all well and good, but when do I have time to fit in book for my own personal enjoyment. I've been wanting to read Catcher in the Rye forever, it really is one of those books that I am ashamed to admit I've yet to read. I've read all the Twilight books but I haven't read Catcher in the Rye, what kind of writer am I!?! I've also got Truman Capote, In Cold Blood, sitting in my Amazon basket waiting for me to purchase. First problem is money, though its not very much I usually try to be aware of my spending. I can be deadly on Amazon, it almost doesn't feel like real shopping, before you know it you've spent loads. Second problem, like I mentioned is time. I hate reading two books at the same time, I like to dedicate my attentions to one book. I might be a tv whore, but I am not a book whore. One book allows me to completely immerse myself in the text and get carried into that world, why I love books. Third reason is because Adam will most likely be the one who receives the package from Amazon and he already thinks that I have too many books. I've been talking for the past few weeks about getting another bookshelf, with school I've been adding to my collection and right now they're all over the place. He calls my book collection hoarding, but really, you can take my clothes or my ipod and cell phone, but you can't take my books. I shan't be throwing them away or selling them, there is nothing like being able to pick up an old book you haven't read in awhile and fall in love all over again. I don't get that same buzz out of wearing an old favourite dress, I can occasionally get it with an old song that I forgot I loved. But never in the same way as I get it with a book. The man just doesn't understand it, he thinks I'm a hoarder. But I just have property, he only has less than me because half of his stuff is sitting in trunks in his mothers garage back in the US. Over 25 years you start to accumulate stuff and isn't it funny how one day he can be complaining about me keeping something and then two days later he'll be asking if he can borrow it or if I know where it is. Men, what strange creatures.

The concept that we're all social beings doesn't exactly ring true to me, I just no longer feel social, in terms of making plans to interact with anybody other than the people I have to. I'm perfectly content for my world to be limited to engaging with my family, university and work colleagues. And even then I sometimes think that that's too much. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, it's just that I often can't be bothered with the hassle of having to pretend that everything is going swimmingly. And when I do get the time which most people would spend socialising, I'm more interested in relaxing with a good book or catching up on my TV shows. I don't really have any external hobbies, the closest I could get would be my sporadic attempts at the gym. That's not to say that I wouldn't like hobbies, it just comes back to the issue of money and time. Oh but how I'd love to try my hand at dancing and gymnastics. I often think about joining a tennis club during the summer months as I never have anyone to play with. But its an idea that is always put on hold for when our financial situation is better.

I was looking over my previous blog, the one I had for years on AOL before they kicked us out. It's nice because there are circumstances that I've thankfully graduated from, but then there are still things which are central to my life. Such as Adam and family dramas. But what I'm noticing the most is the content difference. I've gone from being someone who is quite carefree, writing about the most abstract things, to being currently bogged down with life and it's stresses. Every day there is a new challenge to be faced or obstacle to overcome, I read somewhere that it's these very obstacles that sort the men from the boys. Well, I'm neither, though I like to think myself one tough cookie. Adam usually reminds me that I'm not.

Tonight whilst scanning some internet pages, I came across a blog and webpage dedicated to helping Black Women find/date/marry White Men. I honestly had no idea there were even groups like that out there and I've belonged to some pretty out there online support groups; "My name is Shermeen and I have an anal fissure" was not one of my finest moments but definitely a wise move given the advice. Anyway, as a black woman married to a white man, I'm always feeling judged by people. Namely other black people, who enjoy giving us looks or assume that we're not married because we're two different races. I'm not gonna go down race avenue, don't worry. I was just glad to see that there were other women out there who recognised that this is an issue, there is a market for such a group, so why not. This makes me wonder what else you can find online, a support group for men who wear incontinence pads maybe? Or one for girls who hate werewolves but LOVE JACOB BLACK??? I think I shall investigate!

Today's issue is literally one of, if Adam cannot find a job soon, are we both going to move to America?

I'm not sure why I've phrased that as a question, perhaps my doing that is telling of how I actually feel. Adam has decided to return to America if the work situation doesn't change. The problem is that I'm not ready to do that yet. We've always discussed it in terms of staying here for three more years, then applying for me to move there.
The thought of having to leave early next year does not bring me any kind of joy, mostly just feelings of fear and regret. I don't want to have to quit my course. I honestly feel like its unfair of me to have to give up on my passion, being encouraged to write as school has been so good for my soul. But, I am aware that Adam has given up a lot to move countries and struggle each day just to get by. Ultimately, the question in regards to school is whether or not I would put it before my marriage??? Its not just about learning, its about personal growth. I've felt so much better about myself since I started this course, I've learnt so much about myself...But no, I wouldn't put school before my marriage. I've made a commitment to Adam and honestly, I hate seeing him unhappy. Also, but what if I choose Adam over school and I one day come to regret it???
The second problem that I have is in regards to my family and friends. I know that having to say goodbye to my nieces and nephew will be unbearable. I've always known this, it's nothing new. But my youngest niece is only three and I'm her favourite auntie and whilst I acknowledge that there are webcams and telephones, its not the same. I don't want her or any of them forgetting who I am. I just wanted a little more time to bond with them.
So, thus far I've got school and family/friends for reasons that I don't want to leave just yet. I'm also worried that I'd be miserable over there because we didn't get to wait the extra three years that I wanted. I would have no family or friends, no real job prospects. I'd be unable to work until my greencard was approved, I can't drive. I'd be in a place I'd never been before. What if we just end up exchanging Adams misery for my misery? What if our living in different countries wasn't the worst part about being in a long distance relationship, what if the worst part is in fact trying to find a place where you both feel at home?

I'm hoping that Adam does find a job and that it lasts the three years I need it to last, because otherwise I don't see us finding a happy middle ground.

working this out

Whilst our countries might not currently be at odds, Adam and I are.

I like being married, to Adam

I like being married. Though what in particular I like about it, I'm not sure I could say. Maybe what I should say is, I like being married to Adam, because of course, who are married to effects how you feel about the institution. To say that things are difficult and stressful in my life right now would be a large understatement. Adam and I are constantly being knocked down by life, but as they say, its not about how many times you get hit, its about how many times you keep getting up. Right now, it's all a learning experience. We're learning about ourselves as individuals, how we cope with stress and pressures and also about us as a couple, how we communicate through difficult times.
There are permanent financial pressures with Adam being out of work and then there are numerous let downs as we attempt to climb out of this mess. Of course I'm still pondering over whether I made the wrong decision in going back to school. Which, I need to stop, because the decision has been made and I'm not going to drop out. Adam was hoping he could get into security, the particular course he was interested in had a scheme where your training is paid for. And as our luck would have it, he's not eligible because he's not from within the EU. Which honestly, hasn't Britain had a much better relationship with America than most of the nations in the European Union!?! Going through these immigration procedures I have come to discover that there is not special relationship between the UK and the US. We just haven't done anything to piss each other off in awhile. That's all. And I don't think that just because someone was born within Europe they should be entitled to certain perks in the UK. I won't go into my extreme opinions on immigration cause i'm trying to build up a readership here and I'm certain to piss someone off.

The problem I have with afternoons is this, no nap time. After lunch, I always get a little sleepy, be it at work or at school. And I'd love more than anything to have a nice cosy place to curl up and lay my head, catch up on some of my missed sleep. It does children good, helping them grow or whatever, well I think it could do a lot of good for adults too. Helping us to recenter ourselves, de-stress, relax...essentially I think we could get all the perks of an amazing yoga class through an hours power nap.

There is a young lady behind me doing math. Math. At university level, are you insane!? Well, of course everyone has their niche, what they're good at. For me, math is not even close to what I'm good at. I'm not even sure I know what I'm good at other than to know that it is not math. I thought I'd update from uni as I have some spare time on my hands and when I get home tonight I've a lot of work to be doing...possibly after a power nap. If I can get 30mins of silence in my house. Its not always possible. Oh how I long for the days when Adam and I have our own place and need only to rely on and take care of each other. That's the dream anyway.

Well, I'm gonna go back to reading and possibly falling asleep, given how tired I am that might happen and I'd miss the seminar I waited around for four hours to attend. How pissed I would be at myself!

There's a song by The Script that I'm particularly liking right now called Breakeven, so its going round and round on itunes. I would like to have it on my ipod but I'm still in the process of transferring all my songs from my computer to my laptop, all that annoying Jazz that I don't have time for. And though the song is about love lost, it speaks to me. Or at least the line, "I'm falling to pieces" does. That's how I feel, like im constantly trying to hold myself together. Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I did have a minute of contentment, where I felt happy to be back in school and focusing on my writing. But a few hours later, once I'd returned to reality my old friend depression came back too and I was wondering if I had indeed made a big mistake returning to studies. Not that developing my education and myself is ever a bad thing, just that given the circumstances, maybe this isn't the best time. Well, I won't know that. Darn hindsight for not showing up before everything goes to the crapper!

Things with Adam and I are much better than my last post, I feel like we've really connected again. Which I love, we do seem to go through periods like this, where he forgets what romance is and I attempt not to be demanding and clingy by avoiding the situation. What can I say, we're still learning.

School and work have created an alliance to kick my butt and test me to the limit and honestly, alone I could not stand all the things going on in my life. Lucky me for getting the husbandly support. OK, well, I am heading to bed. Cause its late and I'm up at 6am. Adam has coerced me into having one beer to help me sleep. I won't need it, but watching that glorious yellow liquid perspire, I know I'll drink it anyway!

I'm pretty sure that i'm going to hear some complaining from my wonderful husband about my not going to the gym with him tonight. It will, in all probabilty, lead to an argument as it usually does. And though I will protest about being tired and not having had time to myself all week to relax. Add to that the fact that each week is a new mountain load of work for university, he will still complain that I haven't gone it two weeks. Therefore, I've only been gaining weight, not loosing weight. Do I want to be healthy? Yes. I've had the conversation with myself countless times, I don't want to end up with "the sugar" and have to depend on medication. I don't want to be so overweight that I can't one day have children or be able to play with my children. I want to be able to wear nice clothes and actually feel attractive. Feel like my husband wants to touch me, not has to touch me. And he might think that I don't know it, but I know he looks back on pictures of me a few years ago when I was slimmer and wonders "what happened!??!". So do I. Life happened. As it is now, when I'm going to school full time and working full time and taking care of our domestics full time. And the fact that he's not working right now, the knowledge that everything is on me. What I put in decides whether we sink or swim. And right now I feel like the waves are coming hard and fast and I just keep swallowing the water. I forget that this started out with the whole gym thing and I'm taking it in the poverty and despair direction...I guess because those two things make up the bulk of my life these days.
I wonder sometimes, if I could talk to my 18 year old self, what would I say to me?
My life now isn't like I thought it would be, in fact it is so far from what I thought it would be, other than being married to Adam I suppose. I spend time looking at photos and reading old journal entries and I feel so far from that person, though it was only 6 years ago. Sometimes, I'm actually disgusted with that person. Ashamed to have been her, to have thought the way she did and done the things she done. I think thats maybe because I'm a different person now. I don't love the way she did, openly and without question. But that is what life does to you, it makes you harder. It treats you like a piece of dough, being kneaded and tossed around until you eventually realise you've been ruined. That, not only are you know longer that person, but you don't want to be. Who wants to me someone who's always hurt? Always being overlooked and badly treated. Nobody. Not I. Only, I am. And boy do I hate that I am. That I let the people that I love most and who should love me most, treat me bad. Make me feel worthless.
For as long as I remember I always felt like I wasn't loved by my mother the same way my sister was (I touched on that in a previous entry), and I always felt that I was put down whilst she was praised. And I got to this stage where I retreated inside myself. I spent a lot of time reading and writing and ultimately imaging. I'd hope and wish that one day I could meet someone who would truly see me for the person and I am and who would love me like nobody ever had. We would be the great love story that movies were made of. I think movies seriously screwed up romance and relationships, it gives us the wrong impression of what love looks like. It took me awhile to realise that I truly loved Adam, and that was years after we first met and had said I love you countless times. I really understood what it meant to love someone after his brother died, being with him and witnessing his pain. Wanting to take it away, wanting never to have him be in pain ever again. That was when I realised, that I truly love Adam. The until death do us part kinda love, which is still much harder than just saying the words cause sometimes, my husband can me mean! Of course our definitions of mean differ greatly. He doesn't seem to get that he is, for me, the person to turn to. The only person I have to turn to because I don't open up and trust that many people. I'm super private, except, I guess here.

Oh my bootie hurts from sitting on this chair for too long. I shall try and post again tomorrow at some point. I havent read though this and I'm sure it does make much sense, but getting out of me and on to the screen is the most important thing. Doesn't matter what it reads like.

I'm finding that I'm really gonna have to be on top of managing my time. The workload at uni is a lot, especially considering that its only the first week. But everything that I'm doing, I enjoy. Its really exciting actually and I love being encouraged to write. I also love the talent level in my classes, having people who are talented and passionate about writing makes such a difference. It forces you to work that little bit harder and produce work that is better than you imagined. And I have a good imagination!

Juggling work and school shouldn't be too difficult, I'm just concerned (as always) about Adam and my financial situation. Will we have enough money to get by over the coming months? I'm not sure. And I'm not going to working as much, Adam is not working at all. Yet we still have all the same expenses each month. Trying to think about where we can cut back is difficult, but we're not left with much choice. I actually don't want to dwell on this any longer or it will cause me to become even more depressed!

The kids are coming over to stay this weekend, I'm excited. Its funny, I used to call them The Babies, but I guess somewhere along the line I've realised that they've grown up. I wonder how motherhood feels when I'm around them, because I love them all so much, is it possible that you can love a child more just because they hold yours and your husbands DNA? I like to wonder what our kids will be and look like. Which of our traits they'll display and if we can see ourselves in them. We're a long way off from that, but sometimes I can spend a lazy afternoon thinking about that.
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Notes from yesterday

Do I think that my mother loves me as much as my other siblings? No. Wait, I know that she loves me. I know inside her there isn't a difference of love that she feels towards the five of us, I just think she has different ways of showing it. To some of us she shows it often and in an uninhibited manor, to the rest of us, her showing of affection is sporadic and completely determined by what sort of mood she's in. If she's had a good day and we don't do anything to irritate her, which could be something so trivial as to turn the heat off, then we should be able to coexist in a peaceful manner. Which to some people doesn't at all sound like a good relationship between mother and child. Especially mother and daughter. I'm not sure why we're so obsessed with having such a good bond. I won't pretend that it wouldn't be nice if it were different, its not. And I'd like to make sure that I have a better relationship with any children that I might have.

I'm not sure about writing in such an honest manner. But it's not like I have any readers currently and there's always the hope that it'll get lost in the general abyss that is my span of journal entries. And honestly, if I can't be honest with myself, who can I be honest with.

I just did something that I hate and I'm so ashamed of myself. Adam and I were talking the other night about how we try not to stare at people who have physical disability or deformity of some kind. I know he hates it when people stare or make comments on his hair. Well, lovely me, I just did a double take of the gentleman next to me who had what I can only describe as cauliflower ear. You know, the thing that boxers get after being hit in the ear so many times. Well, if you don't know I won't blame you because I only know on account of Adam.

I find spoilt kids so obnoxious. In my imagination, this particular child in which I'm referring to is an only child. His mother looks quite old (how old she actually is, we shall never know) and I imagine that they had many painstaking attempts at IVF before she was graced with a son. And to show her thanks, not just for getting pregnant but getting pregnant with a boy to carry on her husbands name, she dotes on him. From his multicoloured Nike trainers to his DS and PSP which she carries around for his entertainment, it is quite obvious this boy has too much. Mind you, who am I to say what another person can and should give to their child. I don't have children, but if I did, I don't imagine they'd be like this little boy. The sound of his PSP is akin to nails across a chalkboard. And his constant requests for food, despite as his mother said, just having had lunch.

Adam and I just went to purchase me a new laptop for school. My one is old and doesn't give me nearly any of the functions that I need. Just checking my emails is a chore, hence the reason for updating from my blackberry.

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Too tired and beaten down to be optimistic!

*my title is just how I'm feeling now that I'm ready to post. This entry doesn't really explain it. That'd require a whole other entry, time and energy, which I don't have at 1 something in the morning*

I'm still trying to work out the best way to get to uni. Something that's not only efficient but also allows me those extra few minutes in bed. For some reason I'm having a really hard time getting up in the mornings, I think being able to sleep past 9am these past few days has been bad for me. So once again I shall be trying to get into the practise of going to bed early. Which really is easier said than done when you take into account the fact that my husband is an absolute night owl. Or, as I like to call him, a vampire! Sleeps all day (pretty much) and is awake until 3 or 5am sometimes. Which is a result of him currently being unemployed and the fact that his previous job was nights. He got into a pattern of lazy days and sleepless nights. So if I want to spend time with my husband, if he hasn't annoyed me or I him, then I have to stay up a little later than I should. Last night I think I went to bed around 1am. Which some people might not consider late and honestly, 4 years ago I wouldn't have either. Four years ago I might just be coming back from a girls night out, stopping off on the way to get some kind of take out to soak up the booze. But now, I'm older, hopefully wiser and certainly more exhausted than I ever remember! So from tonight I shall be in bed by 10pm at the latest, cause from now on I'm gonna have even earlier mornings than I've had in a long time.

I like being able to update my blog through email. I really have no excuse not to update, not when I can do it directly from my phone. Everyone knows my computer is old and slow! Using it really is unbearable as it takes 20 minutes just to load to the main page, never mind waiting for AOL to load. I also enjoy being able to write throughout the day and then send it along once I'm done. So whenever something comes to mind I can blog about it right then, I don't have to go through a huge battle with my computer first.

A customer told me today that I have a lovely aura. Now I don't really go in for that stuff but I'd imagine my aura as an orange body halo, that's surronded my gray and black storm clouds. Pressing the orange down, keeping it hidden, at bay. Or at least that's how my life feels, like I can't get anything good without something bad on the side. Like every time I order Prime Rib they serve it with a side order of prunes! I guess that's life. I know they say its the journey, not the destination...I just wish my journey was in a Hummer, then I might be a little better protected from all the knocks and bashes xx
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Musing for Thursday

The process of making friends is decidedly harder than I recall. Granted I've known the majority of my friends for several years now and we're all a pretty close gaggle, I find that when given the opportunities to forge new friendships I'm somewhat reluctant. Its not simply the fear of rejection and the unknown, but because once I consider a person a friend they are held close to my heart and done so with the expectation that this friendship will last for many years to come. Its evident with most adults that once you reach past the playground games and high school clicks that you want to form a solid friendship. Or several solid friendships. Or perhaps I shouldn't speak for the population at large and only for myself. I like to form solid friendships as I've seen the benefits of growing with someone over a decade or so. There are many, many trying times that I wouldn't have been able make it through without the help of my two best friends. Whether I needed someone to moan with or someone to get drunk with, we've seen each other through everything, heartbreaks, pregnancies, death. We have literally guided one another back from the edges of insanity and despair.

My goodness, people are vicious on trains. If I thought buses were bad I was yet to learn, yet to experience. The desire to get one of the very limited seats on a train causes people to ignore the usual social etiquettes whereby a gentleman would stand so a pregnant lady could sit. Or a young person would stand for someone in their later years who have already done their service to this country. The desire, nay, the need to sit on the journey home turns us all from decent human beings into animals scurrying for a scrap of comfort!

Tuesday night Adam and I went over to Shadi's for pizza and wine. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that this visit resulted in me missing my spinning class or the shameful fact that I indulged (all too much) in 3 glasses of wine and four slices of pizza. Ultimately, ruined diet aside, it was nice getting out of the house and seeing Shadi. It had been a long time, mostly because we had a little falling out a few weeks back and our schedules denied us the time to bond again in person. Thankfully, we have on of those great friendships where you don't have to live in each others pockets, because frankly I don't do too well with that. You might not think that someone with an online journal can be private, but I am. What I show to the world and what I keep for myself are so very different. I'm not sure if Adam even gets to see and know all the different dimensions of his wife. Don't ask me why I'm like that, I think I'd need to pay someone to show me the answer. Of course, I wouldn't choose to be this way, maybe I've spent too long in my own shell. But its one of the things Adam recognised about me right from day one, and he didn't turn and run. The best thing about being married is having someone who sees you, warts and all, but loves you enough to keep showing up every day.

Hmm. I realise this post is far from cohesive, but its my thoughts throughout the day. Voila! xx
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Introducing myself to myself

I used to blog regularly, even before I stared my online journal, I'd keep a paper journal. And its nice to know that I can flick through those pages and introduce myself to my fifteen year old self, laugh at the trivial problems that had me teetering on the edge of insanity. And of course, its the best feeling to browse through my online journal and about my first (and only) real love. To watch myself progress through the stages of falling in love, including the does he doesn't he stage, and the terribly sappy poetry stage, to get to the forever after stage. Which really isn't like you imagine it to be, its not so much a permanent state of "And they lived happily ever after" but more of a roller coaster of happiness and despair. And the most torturous experience of despising someone on moment and then loving them more that you actually thought possible the next. One thing that I will say about love that I think they missed in the fairy tales is, it keeps on coming. Keeps on growing. Keeps on surprising you. As you go through each trial, it gets stronger. I don't know why some couples stop loving each other, right now, I can't imagine seeing that as a possibility, there's so much of it. More likely I think ones ego gets in the way, pride and rage take over and you can't accept the love that you once clung to. Well, I don't know. Hopefully I won't ever know.

Things right now are exciting for me, I have just started my university course for Creative Writing and Politics. Hopefully, over the next few months I shall notice a different in my writing style.
I might have more to write, but for right now, I'm more interested in spending time with my husband. Downside to having a desk top, hopefully I can purchase a laptop next week...roll on pay day!

Today was a rather uneventful day. Work and home. I feel like I need to take up another activity that will bring me some kind of pleasure, a hobby of some kind. But there is not much that I am bothered or can afford to do, usually I like to read, but that doesn't get me out of the house. I need a break from my routine of work, home, work, home, work, home. Well, you get it. And its dull. Maybe I should arrange a girly dinner each month, have some fun with my girl friends. Who knows. I would like to be able to spend more time with my husband. Right now, Adam and I are on different schedules. Usually, when I'm at work he's at home and when I'm at home he's at work. And as he works the late shift and will soon be working nights, when I'm ready for bed he's wide awake and when I'm wide awake he's asleep. I really hope this doesn't continue on for too long, else we'll have no clue what's going on in each others lives. Mind you, Adam has always been a night owl where as I like to be tucked under the covers by 10pm. He'd rather go out and really, I'd rather stay in. His body temperature is always so cold and mine is so hot. Just little differences.

I am about to get my license changed over to my married name, only cost £20 so I don't mind. I am still putting off doing my passport because it costs a small fortune that we don't have right now. Wednesday is pay day and that means time to pay all the bills, maybe there might be a little something left over so I can treat myself to a new outfit. My wardrobe is so outdated. Mind you, nothing fits me since I've put on so much weight. Need to shift the pounds before the summer arrives properly. Always a weight issue.

My three goals for 2010;

• Go back to University *check*
• Loose Weight ****erm...
• Pass my driving test ****erm ...

So far two out of three, but I have set myself the goal of August to have achieved the last two. Really, I dont think I'm asking for much. It'll just take a little will power! xx

This month marked my one year wedding anniversary, April 18th to be exact. To think that a whole year has gone by already is something I can completely believe. Because it has been a difficult year and Adam & I have been through a great deal. Both as individuals and as part of a duo. I've had health problems and Adam has had a very difficult time finding steady work. As a couple who never really had the opportunity to live together and get to know one another at that level, it has all be quite a lot. We were and suppose still are, in the process of adjusting to one another, so if you add on top of that other external stress, it makes for a turbulent year. And I had to wonder if our love and committment to each other was strong enough to make it through. We regularly have to take time out and seriously discuss the state of our marriage and reconnect with one another. I didn't expect for married life to always be wonderful and rosy, I knew we would have difficult times and I'm glad that Adam and I are able to always remain on the same page of wanting us to succeed.
I know that as a married couple, we still have lots to learn, after all we are just babies in the marriage game. Lot's to learn about what we want from each other and lot's to learn about how to best get along and make time for each other. But I know, with all that we've been through already, we can always come back to a place of love. And as long as we have that, we will always have a reason to keep on going.

Adam & Shermeen married since 18/04/09

Musing for 2010

I find myself with so much to think about now that we enter a new year. Mostly about mistakes I've made and things I didn't do right. Changes I want to make, to myself, for myself. And for my future with Adam.

I don't know if I feel like I'm living life, most days I just feel like I'm existing. Going through the day by day routines but getting very little pleasure out of life. I think that's the difference between living and existing, whether or not you're happy with life and get any pleasure out of the things you do. There are things that I do occasionally that bring me joy, like spending the day with my nieces and nephews or having dinner and drinks with friends. Of course spending time with Adam brings be joy, he is my love. But my job, doesn't bring be any joy. Any pleasure. Any level of purpose or fulfilment. And I feel I need more direction in this area of my life. What career path do I want to choose, because at this point in my life I still have time to choose but it has to be the right choice.
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