Effen Vodka I Love You

Friends, I absolutely need to head to bed. It's 10:44 as I type this, which is pretty late for a 31 year old. I turned 31 in June. Officially "into" my thirties. For some reason, let's say Vodka neat, I thought I should write a short blog post before bed. For one fleeting moment I believed I had a little nugget of blogger gold that needed to be shared lest it be lost forever in the quagmire that is my mind. But now that i'm typing. Like RIGHT NOW that I'm typing, I have no idea why. I think it got lost sooner than expected. Those fleeting moments. Gone so quickly. I am reminded of a fleeting moment but not one that I am brave enough, honest enough to talk about here. A moment of temptation that seems to stretch on forever. One that I can play with and romanticize in anyway I so choose but I am certain that is not why I returned to blogger with vodka goggles. 

I am refreshing my mind of all that has transpired in the last hour or so, which really isn't much besides vodka and Hulu, which is great BTW. Thursty hates when people use BTW, FYI, SMH. I think because he doesn't know what they all mean. Good ole Thurst. He's in bed right now, where I am about to be going because tomorrow morning I'll be getting up early to go to a baby wearing dance class. Which is pretty...I don't want to say sick or twisted or messed up but I can't find the right word. And I don't think Shift F7 will help because I don't know what the word is when you want to be pregnant but don't want to be pregnant but really do. I think the word for that is sick, in the head. So anyway, I'll be going to a baby wearing dance class because I have an amazing friend who does wear a baby and teach other women line dancing moves and unites those women together. But it was much easier to look at those women and not feel pangs of envy when I was in my twenties, still on birth control and not ready to settle down. But let's face it, Thursty & I are 31 and we've been together long enough to have at least had an accident baby. So, now when people ask me when I'm going to have children, I say; "maybe that's not in God's plan for me" which is a backwards way of saying my deepest fear "maybe I can't". Which I know, is NOT what I came here to talk about but is maybe just a little reminder for those people who do ask other women, when they're going to have kids, not everyone can. I don't know that we can't. But I do know that every time I'm late and take a test, I hope for a little cross or smiley face that never appears. And it's hard enough for me to reconcile that disappointment and grief with myself, let alone let some outsider in. Not everyone has the same journey.

What's really sad is that I think I came here to talk about TV. Which makes sense when I consider my earlier reference to Hulu (did I reference Hulu? Because I thought I did. At least, I meant to). That and Netflix is how we watch shows. I only managed to squeeze in Law & Order and Empire. 

Law & Order absolutely did the whole "Making A Murderer" episode. Adam and I only watched a few of those episodes before our irritation got the better of us. I believe in the justice system. I know it fails but I don't want to watch it fail. It's like pregnancy out of wedlock back in the day, yes it happens, but let's turn a blind eye. I've also just caught up on Call The Midwife on Netflix. As a result Thursty says I've been talking in a Cockney accent. Which I'll take any day over an American accent. And also explains my previous sentence. I feel like a Presidential Candidate, saying dumb things without anyone to correct me. 
Caught up on Empire, which I hate catching up on, simply because now I have to wait until next week until the next episode. Let's just release all the episodes at once and let me...I want to find a word that says I can control myself in watching them when really I know I'd be like an alcoholic on my first day sober. Comment with that word because I don't know it. Or sobriety. Vodka is my homegirl. Anyway, Empire blew my mind and had me singing Biz Markie "Just A Friend" but quietly, because Thursty is asleep. 

I can't lie. I don't remember the point of this post. I can't remember or find the words I want to use. And Maggie is mad at me & ready for bed. About a paragraph ago, she came and laid her head on the laptop to say "enough is enough" ...did you sing the song too? You know the one right? If you don't we can't be friends anymore. We're too different. If you do know the song, comment below and you'll win a prize. But don't just Google it. Google makes liars out of us all. 

So this was a post written on some Effen Vodka. Which I can thank Holley & Nichole for knowing me so well. Because Vodka is fantastic but it's even better when I can blame that Effen Vodka! 

*Also, this has not been proof read but I did write it with 40 proof! ;) 

** Also, I don't know what proof Effin Vodka is but it tastes good to me :) 

***I'm not going to bed but going to shop the Kate Spade 75% off surprise sale because it's only on for the next 35 minutes. I tried to be strong but the Effen Vodka made me do it, for realz, it's a conspiracy between the liquor stores and the expensive handbag makers.

****Last one. I promise...and it's gone from my mind...


Hah! Oh yeah! I didn't proof read this. Don't judge. I'm not dumb just drink. I'm English, it's our language and we know how to use it. And how to handle our Beer. Let's blame the Russians and Polish for our Vodka. Man, I really am turning into an American Presidential Candidate. Blaming my mistakes on others. Bam What! (check out Liv & Maddie, such a simple time). And....POST!

That time Goodreads challenged me to read 31 books

I'm an avid reader. The husband has little appreciation for my adoration of books or the space said books encompass. Like many readers I've gone back and forth on the topic of e-readers. Partly because I'm indecisive by nature but mostly because I don't want to give up a good old fashioned paper book. I've had just about every model of Kindle on my Amazon wishlist at various points in time but have never pushed the button to "buy now". Is it just me or does anyone else think that 1-click shopping is dangerous? 

Every birthday, anniversary & Christmas as well as every time we move, the husband suggests buying me a Kindle and I always say no. I'd love the idea of being able to purchase a book and start reading it right away. And all the free books sound incredibly enticing. But I always say, you can't put a Kindle on a bookshelf. Which in essence isn't true but it doesn't have the same wow affect as a multitude of overflowing bookshelves. I'm talking personal library standards. That's my goal. And I love perusing my bookshelf and rediscovering some long forgotten book, the details of which have faded from memory and so it's like falling in love again for the first time. 

I'm trying to limit how many books I buy and really shop for bargains. I got a whole case full of mystery novels a few months back that someone was selling for $10 on Facebook. Bargain. And I recently signed up for Audible and have been listening to books on my phone whilst working out. I'm not really a fan of the monthly subscription but even worse, I hate it when the book is actually really good because then I just end up wishing I had it on paperback. 

My Goodreads 2016 book challenge is to read 31 books, I selected that number purely because I turn 31 this year. So far I'm not off to a great start 4 out of 31 and have essentially only completed books I've read as part of my book club. I'm not going to count the audio books because I haven't "read" them rather just listened to someone else read them. 
I'd like to try and challenge myself to read for an hour every day which I'm not certain I have the time to do in one sitting so I'll probably do 30 minutes during lunch and then another 30 minutes in the evening. Accompanied by a nice glass of wine or cup of tea.

Let's Pretend This Never Happened

This was our book for May. We have a very civilized selection process and generally keep an open mind when it comes to books. Originally someone had suggested we read her follow up book Furiously Happy but I said that I wasn't keen on reading the second book if I hadn't read the first. I am strictly opposed to such book anarchy. And thus this book was selected. I was excited to read about a female blogger who had made her blog successful. Any blogger who tells you they don't dream of a cult following is lying. Why do you think I pimp my posts all over social media. I was also intrigued to see how frankly she broached the subject of her anxiety and depression. I will say, right off the bat, this book rubbed me the wrong way. I felt like she was trying too hard to be witty. I struggled through the first fifty pages. Eventually her writing relaxed and I could start to enjoy her story. She did a good job of describing her childhood though I would have liked to know more about her parents. I feel like she only scratched the surface of her anxiety and depression. And the same with her marriage, from the beginning Victor was certain that she was the woman he would marry but she never discusses what effect his certainty had on her. I feel like she just gave us fluff rather than substance, with pages upon pages of "funny" stories in HR but nothing incredibly deep about her and she had so many fantastic opportunities to. Nor do I think she delves very deep into her feelings following her miscarriage. I'm not sure whether this is down to the nature of blogs in general where most of us are hesitant to lay everything out there in black and white but I can say that I'm not on her five star bandwagon. At best 3/5 from me.

The Girl With All The Gifts

This was our April read that I had the fortune of hosting. First off I had no clue what this book was about and happened upon it whilst pursing Amazon. The description is rather vague and the reviews even more so with very discernible warnings about spoiler alerts. I did not read the reviews because I unlike some do not like to read the end of a book before the beginning. At first I was so puzzled by this book and who Melanie was but I was hooked from the first page and it did not disappoint. At least until the very end depending upon who you asked because some loved the ending and some like myself were frustrated & saddened. And dare I say it, left feeling a little betrayed. What I can tell you is this, if I had a grenade in my pocket I would always choose to use it. Even if I can't save myself I'd take out as many of my enemies as possible. My advise to anyone who likes to read. Read this book. 
By far one of the best books I've read in a long time. 5/5

That time Vodka tried to knock me up.

My mother is eager to have more grandchildren. As I'm next in line (age wise, not for the throne) she is understandably looking to me to push or less graphically, cough them up. I can't really blame her for repeatedly asking when we're going to have children or for seeing pregnancy signs where none exist. The mind is a powerful tool. But as every good doctor or fan of medical dramas know; when you hear hoofs, think horses not zebras. 

Thurtson & I have been married for seven years now. Who is Thurston I hear you ponder. Thurston is the husband. Who one day decided that his given name wasn't good enough for Facebook and so changed his name to Thurston Pooter Darnworth III. And Facebook said, sure you can change your name but you have to keep it for at least 6 months because whilst we don't like it when people get drunk and come up with stupid names, we're not married to you. So not our problem.

So, like I was saying Thursty and I have been married for seven years. Together for twelve and have recently crossed the threshold into our thirties. The next step on the board game of life is procreation. We typically hum and ha, go back and forth but parenthood remains a mysterious "adult channel" that we don't feel prepared for without causing some major scarring. Both mental and physical. 

Of course if you've read my blog before you'll also know that nothing reminds me how much I want a child more than the onslaught of pregnancy announcements. Facebook can be great for many things, like online stalking old classmates to see if their life is shitier than yours because today you just really need a win. Facebook is useless at determining your mood and filtering your news feed accordingly. So they will show you post upon post of grainy alien sonograms. Followed by an advert to track your pregnancy. All the while knowing the only thing you're nursing is the half empty bottle of Chardonnay you just posted about. With the caption "when will they develop an app to know when I'm out of wine and have a replacement bottle rushed over stat". Because to be honest, sometimes it's hard to get through my Facebook news feed without alcohol. Why? Because people suck. Side note, I totally sounded like a doctor then. I need 10ccs of Vodka stat. No clue how much 10ccs is but I'm pretty sure I can handle it.

You may be thinking, this chick doesn't need to have a kid right now, she's clearly not in control of her emotions. Of course Facebook isn't out to get her. And you're right. On both accounts. And so I went off my birth control. Yes, do take the time to reread that last sentence because after everything I just wrote, the next logical step of an illogical person is to come off birth control.

I did it for the following reason with no discussion with my gynecologist and little discussion with the husband. Though of course he knows about it because otherwise it might seem like I was trying to trap him in a pregnancy because you know, he may just wake up one day & think WTF and leave. 

At my last lady doctor visit, you know the kind where they try to make small talk whilst inserting a rib spreader inside you, it dawned on me that I'd been taking birth control for close to twelve years. And that, to me, just seemed like a really long time to be taking artificial hormones. But what do I know, I'm not a doctor. Still, I wondered how would my body perform without the contraceptive pill. Would it know how to ovulate and menstruate on time. And most importantly could it remove all the weight I gained when I started taking the pill. And maybe take the additional 60lbs of cupcake weight too. Let me just say, my body knows how to menstruate. It's only been two months but my period has been on point. 

In regards to the whole not getting pregnant thing...I have an app. One that's designed to help people get pregnant so I pretty much just do the opposite. When it says it's time to get busy, I don't. I've also set myself a reminder to hide the alcohol during ovulation because it doesn't take that much vodka to drink away all your common sense. Should probably invest in some condoms too. Just in case. Because I don't think the vodka can ever be hidden well enough when you're the one hiding it.

The following is a snippet of conversation between my mum & I on social media, following a very innocent dinner pic (yes, I'm one of those people) captioned: "I'm not a huge fan of posting my meals on social media but sometimes it's just too delicious not to snap a pic & share. Was seriously craving some sweet potatoes today and the hubby made it happen #latergram #stuffed #dinner #healthyeating #sweetpotato" The word "craving" is where she heard Zebras and not horses. But when you've waited seven years to hear Zebras, can you blame her?

 

Variene Prince Do you have something to tell me?

Like · Reply · 23 hrs

Shermeen Robinson Mum, that's beer in that bottle. Trust me, I like alcohol too much to get pregnant right now! xx

Like · Reply · 22 hrs

Variene Prince Well I live in hope xx

Like · Reply · 22 hrs

Gemma Alaia Haha you pair! Xx 😘😘

Like · Reply · 22 hrs

Variene Prince Gemma I want grandchildren an she is giving me puppies instead x

Like · Reply · 1 · 22 hrs

Gemma Alaia my mum's said no more from us lol! 2 daughters and 8 Grandchildren 😂😂
Come on Sherm's give Aunty V a grand baby!!
If you guys were closer I'd say take one of mine...I have plenty! 😂😂😭😭 xx

Unlike · Reply · 1 · 22 hrs

Variene Prince Hun I will gladly have anyone or two of yours but which one they are beautiful xx

Like · Reply · 1 · 22 hrs

Shermeen Robinson Gemma I would absolutely take one of your because they're cute and nothing unpleasant would happen to my vagina. As it stands, I have yet to be assured that the joys of parenthood outweigh those 10 months of pregnancy and hours of active labor. Also, they have yet to discover a form of alcohol that is safe to consume during pregnancy. Additionally I am a lush and it's not right to pass that gene on to the next generation xx 😁😉🍷🍻🍾

Like · Reply · 22 hrs

Variene Prince Child I give up you win x

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