Maybe Baby

An online friend of mine recently announced that she and her husband were expecting their first child. As we all know, nothing is official until it's Facebook official. At first, I thought that perhaps, like many, her Facebook had been hacked and someone was playing a joke. But as I scrolled through the comments and saw congratulations from family and friends, I realized that the post was genuine. I felt happy and excited for her, as many of us do when we think about the little bundle that will no doubt bring joy. 

But I also felt an overwhelming pang of jealously. 

I don't recall when we first met, only that it was via a long distance relationship forum. We were both living in the UK whilst the boys we loved were in the US. Back then, I didn't really know anyone in a long distance relationship and it was nice to be able to chat with people who really understood. Who didn't doubt you when you said that you were in a committed, faithful relationship despite the ocean in between. 

Over the years we took different routes to our future goal. When Adam moved over to the UK in 2009, she moved over to start her life in the US. The husband and I married in April and she and her husband married in September. And whilst I recognize that no four peoples lives are the same, that timing is different for everyone, I confess that I'm envious they're already in a position to be starting a family.

My best friend calls me crazy but when we talk, without a doubt, the conversation touches on the fact that we're nearly 30 and our eggs are dying. Yes, it might sound crazy. Really, all I need are 3 healthy eggs to give me 3 healthy babies but I'm also aware of the fact that past that mystical age of 30, the quality and quantity of eggs depletes. 

Frequently, Adam and I will discuss my baby math and we do ponder starting a family. When we first met, we were eighteen going on nineteen. We were young and 25 seemed old; truly, it still does, which is why I despair that I've passed my mid-twenties. We honestly thought that by twenty-five we would have our first child. That wonderful time of still being in your early twenties came and went and I think we would both agree that as much as we would have liked a child, we were in no way ready. And I still don't think we are, we're not yet settled.

A few years back, when I was blogging about starting a family one day, a LOT of my readers gave me the advice to just take the time to enjoy married life. Whilst many can attest to the wonders of child rearing, they wanted me to know in no uncertain terms that the period of just Adam and I is equally as wonderful and not nearly long enough. 
I do enjoy the time Adam and I spend together, however limited, and it's not that I feel in any way that our life is lacking because we don't have a child. We know that we want to be financially prepared (I hear that'll never happen) as well as emotionally prepared to put someone else ahead of what we both want or need. The extent of this responsibility is not lost on us and we both know that we can be selfish at times. Moreover, we want to make sure that our marriage is at it's best before we introduce a new life into the equation.

In case you didn't know, I'm a bit of a reality TV addict. One of the shows I enjoy is Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I have to wonder why Kourtney Kardashian says that Scott Disick isn't husband material but she's willing to create two new lives with him. A marriage, you can get out of but children tie you to that other person forever.

I know that once we have a child, that's it, Adam and I are never going to be able to sever a connection. We both grew up in households without both parents and we want to know that our children won't have to face the bitterness of divorce. And also, I don't want to be arrested for trying to sneak my own children out of the country back to the UK, because we all know that's what I'd want to do if Adam and I ever divorced. 

Bottom line, having a child is a big deal and I think that's maybe why we're always able to find some reason to wait. I know, even if we had $100,000. in the bank right now, I'd still want to wait. Because I don't want post pregnancy fat in my friends wedding photos or because we haven't been to Napa Valley yet. I think I could probably think of a dozen reasons why we should wait. And I know I can think of a dozen reasons why we shouldn't. 

I'm not sure that we're going to be one of those couples who plan a baby. I think it'll be an accidental pregnancy. But that pang of jealously I felt when a friend shared her happy news, reminds me that it'll be a happy accident. Confirms that I want to experience motherhood, it'll just have to happen when it happens.

A year already?

I'm approaching a year in Knoxville, a year as a resident of the United States of America. I always think it's funny how time seems to fly when you're looking back, perhaps because you only remember special moments. You don't remember those mundane days that seem to last forever when you're counting down to something with anticipation. What I'm trying to say is that I think this past year has flown by. 

This past year as been full of many milestones; the arrival of my permanent resident card, getting a job, learning to drive, moving into our own apartment. They're all little steps in the much larger plan of Adam and I getting established here. Of building a life here. And I'm coming to realize that they're will be many, many more steps for us to take. 

This time last year, we were really only concerned with being together again. When we got married in 2009, we were under the impression that we wouldn't have to live apart again. Those almost 10 months of separation were very painful for me, especially in the beginning, it's difficult to be a wife without a husband.So when I was finally approved and on a plane, it seemed to us like the nightmare was finally over, we were together and we'd live happily ever after, the end. Of course, life doesn't work like that. There are many difficulties to be faced, which can make or break a person and a marriage. We've really struggled with the fact that Adam and I live on two different schedules. I keep bankers hours whilst he works second shift; 4pm-3am, so we really don't have much time to spend together. And even on weekends, his body clock keeps him sleeping in late whilst I struggle to sleep past 9am. The fact that there is a "Shermeen of the past" reminding me to just be glad that we're in the same country, doesn't do much to abate my frustrations. 

We're actually hoping that Adam can find a new job here in Knoxville, one that will put him on a better shift and put more money in our bank account for the future. We're also seriously discussing moving somewhere else in the US, Adam has spoken to a couple recruiters and found really good welding jobs in AL and MS. Of course, we don't want to move. Knoxville has grown on us (though it's no London), I really like the people I work with and Adams parents are here. At present, we're just trying to work towards being able to buy a home of our own and start a family but none of those things can happen unless we can start bringing in more money. 

I'm actually excited about the future. I'm excited that we have possibilities and though we don't know what the future holds, we do know that we'll be facing it together. Which really makes all the difference. 

But this isn't supposed to be about the future, it's supposed to be about the past year in Knoxville. Thus;

Following the long but wonderful vlog from Eve over at Queen's English, I thought I'd do the same. Eve moved to NC about a week before I moved to TN and she recently took questions which she answered in video form. So, to get me to do another vlog (it's been over a year) I thought I'd ask my readers (are you there?) and FB followers to post questions about my past year. Anything you like, post it here or on Sherms In The Middle FB page. I'll give it a couple days and then answer them on video and post it here for all to see. 

Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?

It turns out that I actually didn’t finish my 30 days of blogging challenge. Opps. You know what they say; If at first you don’t succeed…So here I am many months later, completing what I started. Or at least giving it another try.

Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?

This one is surprisingly difficult for me. Perhaps because this really is a once in a lifetime kind of opportunity. The truth is, if I were to live someone’s life for one day, I would want it to be someone who truly inspires me. Some who isn’t just a good singer or a TV reality star. I wouldn’t just want to have a day in the life of a celebrity, I’d want a day in the life of someone who makes a difference. Who’s influence in the world is not based on what the paparazzi capture.

I managed to narrow it down to my top three influential women;

3.Etharin Cousin

2.Condoleezza Rice

1.Hillary Clinton

I’m greatly influenced by strong women with a passion for enhancing the world we live in. I greatly admire the work that Etharin Cousin has done through Feeding America and as director of the UN World Food Program. It distresses me that any child in the world would go hungry but I cannot comprehend why any child in America should go hungry. I would love be a part of educating people in foreign countries about how to provide for themselves, creating programs and providing the necessary tools for agriculture and development.

Condoleezza Rice impresses me. Need I say more? She a smart woman who won’t be pushed around by big men in political office. She’s candid, which is refreshing in politics. She is a woman who lives without limitations, showing young women that anything is possible. Holding the title of the first female African American, Secretary of State, even for a day would be awesome. Most certainly, Condoleezza Rice inspires me and shows me that in life, in America, the possibilities for greatness only end when you stop trying.

Okay, now Hillary Clinton might be an odd choice to some. There are some people who see her as Bill’s wife and not much more and that’s part of the reason why I love her. She’s come out from behind the shadow of her husband to forge her own identity. Honestly, I admire her for her determination, not only politically but during the dark times of her marriage. Hints of infidelity are enough to destroy any marriage but to face it in the public eye, in the biggest, whitest, most well know house in America. She’s given a whole new meaning to the phrase “stand by your man”.

The epitomizes the notion of there being a great woman behind every great man. She inspires me because she shows women that you can have it all,

she raised a daughter and when the time was right forged a career for herself. On her own merits. She was the first female Senator for NY, the first, First Lady to hold public office and I think this country would be in much better shape if she had been elected the first female President.

I had a dream about a dream

After so long away from blogging, staring at this blank page is certainly intimidating. There is a fear that I'll never be able to fill it, that my words are too inadequate for the page. For the internet, for the world. But I remember, they are my words; and that's what's most important. 

I'm coming up to a year of living in Knoxville, TN. Of living in the USA. I feel disappointed in myself that I didn't blog more often, perhaps then I'd have a better idea of how I'm adjusting to my new life and new surroundings. 

During the dark times, when homesickness takes a grip that penetrates to my core, I struggle to remember why I moved. The fact that I love the husband deeply, that he lasted two years in England and that it was always our plan to end up here, doesn't provide much solace. I still so easily recall the plethora of things I gave up in moving here.

I know no better feeling than having my nephew run up to me and give me a great big hug. Since I've gone, he's had a birthday, grown taller and older. Things that happen all to fast anyway but seem that much worse when you're not there to witness it. I know that when I get one of his precious hugs again, it will be different. 

I've had no better night out than enjoying wine and conversation with my best friends. A shared history can never be replaced. Every eventful moment in my life has been shared by a small group of ladies who have seen me go from an awkward teenager to the somewhat less awkward, youngish woman I am today.

The husband helped me come to the realization that this big city girl is a little lost in the backwoods of TN. In leaving my family and friends back home, I've lost myself. So much of my identity is wrapped up in who I am to other people. Being a daughter, sister, aunt, friend is so important to me. I recall my first ever online blog and how I used all of those words in my About Me section. 

Of course, none of this is to imply that being a wife isn't equally important to me. It isn't  a question of which identity is paramount to my perception of myself.  After thinking long and hard about my marriage, my willingness to leave all I've known and move somewhere else to be with the man I love, I found my answer. The reason behind it all. And it started with a dream.

More of a Martin Luther King dream as opposed to a Mr Sandman dream. It's dream full of hope and possibilities that are worth leaving everything behind for. 

The dream of one day having a family with the man I love, my best friend. One day staring into the eyes of a little being that is half the husband and half of me. Raising a family and inspiring them to make the world a better place.

 In meeting the husband, this dream was formed. The possibilities became endless. I know that together, what we set our hearts and minds to, we can achieve. And so, with a little (more) time and a lot of dreaming, I know I'll come to see the US as my home away from home.