I had a dream about a dream

After so long away from blogging, staring at this blank page is certainly intimidating. There is a fear that I'll never be able to fill it, that my words are too inadequate for the page. For the internet, for the world. But I remember, they are my words; and that's what's most important. 

I'm coming up to a year of living in Knoxville, TN. Of living in the USA. I feel disappointed in myself that I didn't blog more often, perhaps then I'd have a better idea of how I'm adjusting to my new life and new surroundings. 

During the dark times, when homesickness takes a grip that penetrates to my core, I struggle to remember why I moved. The fact that I love the husband deeply, that he lasted two years in England and that it was always our plan to end up here, doesn't provide much solace. I still so easily recall the plethora of things I gave up in moving here.

I know no better feeling than having my nephew run up to me and give me a great big hug. Since I've gone, he's had a birthday, grown taller and older. Things that happen all to fast anyway but seem that much worse when you're not there to witness it. I know that when I get one of his precious hugs again, it will be different. 

I've had no better night out than enjoying wine and conversation with my best friends. A shared history can never be replaced. Every eventful moment in my life has been shared by a small group of ladies who have seen me go from an awkward teenager to the somewhat less awkward, youngish woman I am today.

The husband helped me come to the realization that this big city girl is a little lost in the backwoods of TN. In leaving my family and friends back home, I've lost myself. So much of my identity is wrapped up in who I am to other people. Being a daughter, sister, aunt, friend is so important to me. I recall my first ever online blog and how I used all of those words in my About Me section. 

Of course, none of this is to imply that being a wife isn't equally important to me. It isn't  a question of which identity is paramount to my perception of myself.  After thinking long and hard about my marriage, my willingness to leave all I've known and move somewhere else to be with the man I love, I found my answer. The reason behind it all. And it started with a dream.

More of a Martin Luther King dream as opposed to a Mr Sandman dream. It's dream full of hope and possibilities that are worth leaving everything behind for. 

The dream of one day having a family with the man I love, my best friend. One day staring into the eyes of a little being that is half the husband and half of me. Raising a family and inspiring them to make the world a better place.

 In meeting the husband, this dream was formed. The possibilities became endless. I know that together, what we set our hearts and minds to, we can achieve. And so, with a little (more) time and a lot of dreaming, I know I'll come to see the US as my home away from home.