90 Day Fiance

In our nine year relationship, Adam and I have gone through two immigration processes. The first, a fiance visa to bring him to the United Kingdom. The second, a spousal visa to bring me to the United States. Undoubtedly, the US to UK visa was much less costly and a more expeditious process than UK to US immigration. 

I remember the agonizing months that passed as we awaited updates on my visa application. He back in the US restarting his life and me in the UK bringing closure to my life. Thrust once again into the familiar territory of a LDR. It was difficult eight to nine months. Whilst we weren't too concerned about my visa being refused, it was difficult to once again be apart. We had foolishly believed that once we were married, we wouldn't have to be apart again. Of course, since we were married, at one point in time we were living in different countries and at another point different states. I have learned to assume nothing. After all, the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Which is what I'm doing here.

I was prompted to think back on my relationship when I came across an article about a new TLC show called 90 Day Fiance. It is a documentary following couples who must marry before their entry visas to the US expire. I believe all the US citizens are males who have found love with a female from another country. Some of the ladies speak minimal English and some couples have only met in person once before. 

What really spiked my interest were some of the comments from people. Even given the popularity of online dating, many people thought these women were only after a ticket the US. Of course, it's not to say that such things don't occur. It happens frequently. Despite the fact that the US has some rather rigid regulations and endless immigration hoops to jump through. 

However, what I don't think most people realize, it how difficult it is to give up your life and move somewhere new. I moved from England. Americans try to speak my language. We share a similar culture and lifestyle. Yet, it was and is still difficult to be so far away from everyone and everything I know. It's not an easy decision to make and certainly can be a lot harder to live with. 

Adam and flew back and forth for almost five years before he moved to the UK. He traveled on a fiance visa but I believe we had six months within which to get married. Twice as long as America offers. We always knew that we wouldn't settle down in the UK and I don't think Adam faced any hardships about moving overseas. It was an adventure. One that looked a lot more bearable knowing that he could always return to his beloved USA. Still, living together in the UK was an adjustment. London was vastly different to where he grew up and living with someone is so different to dating someone who you see every couple of months. 

As I watched the previews for 90 Day Fiance and read the bios of the couples, I could relate to their agony of trying to decide what would be for the best. 90 days isn't enough time to get to know someone. It isn't enough time to get to know a country or learn a language (well, maybe with the help of Rosetta stone but there will still be idioms that escape you). And no matter how long or how well you think you know someone, living with them 24/7 is always different to what you expected. Lots of couple who have dated in the same town, move in together and come to find that it doesn't work out. So when you've waited nine months for a visa application to go through and spent thousands of dollars on application fees alone, it makes everything so much more intense.

Ultimately, you have to make a choice and you have to be able to live with that choice. It would be nice if you could get a visa to "see where this is going" but they don't make that. I feel for some of these ladies because living somewhere new where the only person you know is your soon-to-be husband, can be very lonely. When going through the K1 visa process, it can be months before all your paperwork is finalized and your able to do something as basic as get a SSN. 

I feel fortunate that I have a wonderful family and amazing friends back home that support me. I still find it difficult being somewhere new and even though Adam went through two years in the UK, I don't always think he can fully relate. I am making a conscious decision to throw myself into life in the US and actually build a life. I like it here in Alabama and am actually starting to feel like this is home. It's only taken me two years to feel something that a fiance visa gives you 90 days to figure out. 

Desperate Housewife

Last week I went out for dinner & drinks with a stranger I met on Meetup. Living here in Alabama without a job means I really don't have much contact with anyone other than Adam. Unless you count Penny, which I don't because she seems to enjoy barking at strangers from the balcony more than she does hanging out with me. So I went online looking to make friends in the local area and made arrangements to go out with another twenty-something who lives nearby. It was surprisingly less awkward than I thought it might be and we had plenty in common which made for good conversation. Honestly, I'm not the best at opening myself up to new friendships. I feel like after you get to a certain age, you have all the friendships you need. I know I felt that way when I was in England. Trust is a key in friendship and I feel like time is the only way you can come to trust someone. So being a twenty-eight year old who is looking to make friends, isn't easy. You can't exactly walk up to someone and ask them to be your friend. When you're a kid, you have no problem walking up to a stranger and asking them to play with you. As an adult, it doesn't exactly work the same way. 

I will say it was nice to get a chance to go out without Adam and just have a nice conversation with another female. A chance to talk about all the trashy TV shows he hates for me to watch. Perhaps we'll do it again soon but I'm certainly opening myself up to the possibility of making new friends. 

I've been spending a lot of time doing the house-wifey thing. Which I think I've taken to more than I expected but I will say, with just a dog and a husband to take care of, it's incredibly boring. Perhaps if we had children,I could really enjoy the role but for now, I need a little bit more. Really I need a life outside of this apartment. I spend my days looking for jobs, watching Netflix and reading books. Which strangely would have been enough for me in the past when I was hermit like and enjoyed nothing more than a good book and warm blanket. Oh and a glass of wine. One of the benefits of staying at home is that I have time to pursue other interests. I hope to get back into writing more, which I guess will start with this here little blog. I'm also starting to make some of the wonderful things I see on Pinterest. No point pinning things if I have no intention of making them. A couple weeks back I made this wreath inspired by one I saw on Pinterest:

I'm also determined to join the local gym. Adam and I both want to start getting healthy, leading healthy lives before we think about trying that whole baby making thing. Right now, we're still eating too much of the wrong thing and certainly not moving enough. We both have bad habits but for some reason, these bad habits seem to hang around my waist line more than his. Having Penny here means we are active, we take her for walks along the beach but if I'm serious about shifting the pounds, I need to do more. Hopefully this time next year I won't be saying the same thing.

Haven't we met before?

For shame, I have been a terrible blog owner. There is no excuse but rather than chastise myself for my blatant abandonment of this blog, why don't I just update and vow to continue updating in the future. 

It's been a little over a week since I returned from London, visiting friends and family and of course attending the wedding of my best friend. It was strange to be back because everything felt the same but I felt different, who knew how much living in America could change a person. I mean beyond the obvious weight gain and terrible accent, to the way I perceived things and my expectations of people and places. 

My (America acquired) resistance to walk anywhere was hampered by the fact that I don't have a car to drive in the UK and quite honestly, getting a fresh (though perhaps biased) look at vehicle and road sizes, I don't think I'd want one. I feel tiny and intimidated in my Chevy Aveo but the roads in the US are larger and there is undoubtedly more room to maneuver. In London, it really is a case of every man for himself and I just don't have that aggressive driver in me. Which is hard to believe looking at the way my parents and sister drive. 

Of course the most difficult thing for me to get used to was the lack of air conditioning. Arriving in London during the one of perhaps four weeks of summer weather, I was immediately questioning why the A.C wasn't on. Never mind that I'd grown up in the same house and there had never before been air conditioning, I looked at the electric fan and for the first time I fully realized it's inadequacies. And it's not just in homes. Call me privileged but if a retailer truly wants me to enjoy my shopping experience, how about a little A.C.

Pet peeves aside, being back in London was wonderful. I got to see my best friends, which you can't put a price on (but if you had to, it'd be $1400.00 for a summer ticket). And like it always is when you haven't seen your best friends in almost two years, we picked up where we had left off. As if no time had lapsed since our last conversation or night out. Oh, of course things had changed. Both for them and me, some in good ways and others in bad but we talked and laughed and chugged cheap wine just like we always did. 

The highlight of my trip was spending time with my nieces and nephew. I hate that kids have to grow up and change, I do miss their chubby cheeks and wobbly gait. That said, I'm also in awe of the young people they're becoming, their individual personalities and ideas. Their focus and interpretation of things, their fearlessness when it comes to expressing themselves. They'd changed so much from the little rugrats I said goodbye to almost two years ago. And I thought that would hurt more, I thought I'd once again be reminded of what I was sacrificing for my life in America but ultimately I guess I'm okay with it. I realize that more than anything, I was holding on to a time in their lives, in my life, which I can't get back. We'll have the memories and the awesome pictures and we'll move forward to make more great memories. Plus, kids these days are so technologically advanced, they already made sure that i had their email address so I can write to them directly!

So here I am now, just completed my first full week in Alabama. I do like it here, it gets lonely and the job hunt is painful. But I'm hopeful. Eternally hopeful that this will be a good place for the husband and I. That we can start laying down some of the blocks for building a life here, in Sweet Home Alabama. 

Virtually Best Friends

It's not that I don't like you...but virtually, I don't want to be friends anymore. UNFRIENDED!

 

When it comes to Facebook, I’m ruthless. I don’t hesitate to unfriend and always try to keep my friends list under 100 people. I truly don’t understand how some people can have 500 Facebook friends. Those people and often people they’re friends with, see all the information you post. And let’s be honest, most of us over share on Facebook or accidently post things we don’t mean to at least once.

I’m not anti-Facebook in any way, though I did delay jumping on the band wagon believing it was just another fad and not quite wanting to give up My Space. Now that I’ve moved to the US, I appreciate Facebook even more as a tool to keep in touch with friends and family in other parts of the world. I get to see what my friends are up to and feel a little more connected to them when they post good news or pictures of a wild night out. 

But I’m sure we all have a few people on our friends list who are only there because we feel obligated: That colleague that you have no desire to see outside of work but is friends with just about everyone in the building. Or the neighbor who found your dog that one time and now thinks that means you’re friends, when you really don’t want your relationship to extend pass a polite nod or wave as you rush in the door. And don’t get me started on your best friends annoying friend who you met that one time at that one thing, who suddenly thinks all three of you should be best friends. The list goes on. 

When it comes to Facebook friends, my first rule is this; if you wouldn’t be real life friends with them, why be virtual friends? Now, I know this might seem harsh. But why keep someone on your friends list, when you know if you were to see them out at the mall, you’d rush the other way to avoid them. Sure, they might play Farmville or Chefville and occasionally throw a monkey your way but if that is the extent of your relationship, is that what now qualifies as a friend?

I do periodically go through my friends list with the purpose of removing people. Those who I don’t talk to or don’t know very well but accepted their friend request because for two weeks seven months ago, I was going to be seeing them often. My reasoning behind such a task is not to be mean (though I do like the power of the unfriend button) but to simply protect myself. 

Remember that totally awesome night you had with your girlfriends? Remember the photos you were tagged in? No, you didn’t look great but six too many tequila shots will do that to you. Still, you keep them on your Facebook page because they make you feel nostalgic for days gone by. Well, remember everyone on your friends list can see that. 

Remember the photos you took of your kids playing on the beach last summer, little Madison looked so cute in a pink frilly two-piece. You couldn’t wait to upload your vacation pictures so you’re friends could be jealous and your MIL could see pictures of the kids finally wearing the Disney Princess t-shirts she bought four months ago. Well, everyone on your friends list can see those photos.

 

Remember that picture your husband took on your romantic getaway, the one where you’re simultaneously showing too much leg and too much cleavage…just me then? Well, by now I hope you’ve got the point that everyone can see that.

Sure, there are privacy settings that can be altered. To that I say, who has the time and who can figure them out! Facebook is constantly changing their privacy setting and I believe it’s in the hope that we the consumers won’t be able to figure it out. 

It’s nothing personal when I unfriend someone. It’s not because I can’t stand the constant request to play this game or that – I can block those. It’s not even because I’m tired of the almost hourly posts about the cute thing your puppy just did – I’m guilty of that myself. Really, it’s just that I know I can’t cultivate 500 friendships. Imagine the hours it would take to really be friends with all those people on your list. If you were to stop by each page and read what friend number 280 was up to today…really, oatmeal for breakfast, me too, I feel so close to you number 280…Hardly riveting, then think of all the real world things you’re missing out on.

I recently read an article about a college graduate who plans to meet all 788 people on his friends list, to discover whether they’re really friends or merely online acquaintances. My first thought was that he has too much time on his hands but it turns out he’s received funding for this to be turned into a documentary and photography exhibit. Yay for him! What I’m interested in seeing is if at the end of his little documentary, he still has 788 Facebook friends.