For the past couple of months, sleeping with my husband has become most unpleasant.
Like many people, when I sleep, I snore.
I don't believe I snore loudly. Being a lady and all, I'm sure it's just a delicate and cute snore. However it keeps the husband awake. So whilst I'm lost in la-la land, dreaming of being slim and owning an extensive Michael Kors handbag collection. The husband is laying there wanting to smother me with a pillow.
Of course, he can't do that. With me dead and him in jail, what would become of Penny?
So instead, he wakes me up and tells me to roll over.
In the beginning, I was sympathetic to his plight. He has a physically demanding job and wakes up a the butt crack of dawn. However, after weeks of being shoved awake, sometimes multiple times in the night, I finally lost it. I got mad, said some choice words and then took my pillow to the foot of the bed.
If we had a second bedroom, believe me, we would be one of those couples. We have such different sleeping habits and practices, it's a wonder how we've made it this far. He likes to sleep with a fan, partly for the cool air but mostly for the sound. I have to be warm and toasty. I don't want to feel the fan blow on me and heaven help anyone who uncovers my feet during the night. At one point, I had a mini heater on my side of the bed and he had a mini fan on his. I really can see the benefit of couples having separate beds or bedrooms. I'd have all the blankets I wanted. Could snore as loud as I like. And the scheduling of inmate times would mean I'd always have my legs shaved in advance. Alas, that dream is not a possibility for us one bedroom renters.
Instead, after weeks of us sleeping top and tail, and my starting to become more acquainted with his feet than any wife wants to be, I decided action must be taken. I picked up some nose strips which I'm hoping will lessen at least one of the sounds my body emits during the night!
When I ended my long distance relationship with the husband, for the second time, by moving to the US, I didn't think about the long distance relationships I'd be starting. With my best friends. Moving overseas and leaving behind everyone I've ever known, really messes with the social life. Trying to build a life in a new city, state or country isn't easy. I'm thankful I have the husband for support but it is a lonely process. In the past, whenever I was going through anything, I'd turn to the husband of course but also to my girlfriends. I've been best friends with the same group of ladies since high school. They've seen me through more relationship dilemmas and bad fashion decisions than any girl should face in a lifetime. Every awesome birthday I've celebrated usually involved sneaky shots at the bar with these ladies. And whilst we've always had the kind of friendship where we could go months without seeing each other, only to pick up where we left off, it's suddenly different now that I'm in the US. Because who knows when we'll see each other to pick our relationship back up again.
I know that if I want to maintain these friendships that are truly precious to me, I have to put in an effort to stay in communication. This means more than a birthday FB message and a card at Christmas.
Lilly and I are constantly messaging back and forth on FB. Nothing big happens to either of us that we don't share and if we happen to go more than 3 days without messaging, I instantly think it's been too long. A phone call is a big deal because getting hold of calling cards isn't cheap or easy. And a video chat really is a special occasion because she doesn't have a built in web cam. Still, we're both committed to making the effort to ensure our friendship survives. And to be honest, I feel just as close, if not closer, than before I left. What we have now works on maintaining our relationship until we see each other next. We have no delusions that it will be any time soon and it's tough when I can't be there to support her during difficult times or celebrate with her when something amazing happens. Still, I know and she knows, that no matter what we'll be there.
I feel completely different about Sophia. She and I were always so close. Not to say we didn't have our moments. Like when she told me she didn't think it was a good idea for me to date Adam and we didn't speak for awhile. Still, there wasn't anything we went through that wasn't softened by dinner and wine together. We saw each other sporadically, talked every now and then but always turned to each other for the big stuff. A break-up or cheating boyfriend was just another reason to hit the town together. When she got drunk and threw up all over herself, I helped her wash the chunks out of her hair. She made every birthday I had that much better. I know so much about her and she about me. When our parents got sick or passed away, we had each other to lean on and remember the good times with.
However lately I feel like our friendship isn't what it used to be. I don't know if it's down to the changes in her life or the distance between us. Or maybe it's a combination. Perhaps the fact that a telephone call isn't cheap, makes her hesitate when she needs someone to talk to and cry with. The fact that we can't get together to drink wine and spill all the details of our life means we don't share as much. I feel so disconnected from her and it saddens me. I wish that she could open up to me. And I wish that we had some wine so my advice doesn't sound so harsh. When we were together this summer, I loved spending time with her but things weren't like they were before. Perhaps she is changing and I'm not there to change with her. Don't they say that changing together is the key to a successful relationship.
I don't want this to be the end of our friendship. I'm resolved to kick-start our relationship even if it means bombarding her with emails and messages. I'll have to make that extra effort to search out a phone card or get an international calling plan. And if she still doesn't get around to buying a web cam, I'll surprise her with one. I guess friendships are like relationships, there is no blueprint on how to make it work. Every friendship is unique, what works for some won't work for others. I knew what worked for us when we were twenty-five and living in the same country, I guess I need to figure out what works for us as the people we are today.
*For privacy, names have been changed*
Most changes don't happen over night. Contrary to the belief that the difference between December 31st and January 1st results in the sudden desire to start using that gym membership. Or that somewhere in those last twenty-four little hours, a ten year addiction to cigarettes will disappear. Most changes are subtle. It's the same reason you thought that second (third) cupcake, wouldn't have any repercussions. Had you (me) taken a bite and watched your (my) rear end spread a cm wider, we...let's face it..I wouldn't be in the fat pants that I am today.
Still the changes I'm thinking of aren't just physical. Spurred on by a brand new year, I once again reflect on my life. My career aspirations, my marriage, my friendships, myself. I realize how much I've changed over the past few years. I think of all the ways I hope to change in this coming year, perhaps in ways that I won't notice until I'm once again reflecting on years gone by.
Since we've started this new life in Alabama, I've really thrown myself into trying to make friends and build a life here. Having been unemployed for the past five months, it's been difficult. Not only am I financially limited but I'm not getting to interact with people on a daily basis. I created a meetup group a couple months back and through that group, I've been able to meet some wonderful and fun ladies my age. Some of whom I saw the new year in with. I've never been one to do anything special for New Years Eve. If I stayed up late enough to toast the coming year, that was cause enough to celebrate. This year we didn't make it home until the early hours of the morning. I'd call that a 2014 success.
I have lots of things I hope to achieve this year. I have lots of things I hope to achieve every year. This year however, I'm older and wiser. I realize that not everything works out the way that you plan or hope it will. Life is fantastic at throwing you curve balls. And cliche though it maybe, you truly do have to learn how to roll with the punches. Dust yourself off and try again. I get knocked down but I get up again. Learn to go with the flow. I think you get it now.
2013 was a messy year. I missed my husband when we were in different states. My husband drove me to my limits when we were in the same state. I missed my family like crazy and a three week visit just wasn't enough. I missed my best friends who went through the hardest crap of their own and I felt powerless to help. I struggled with feeling rejected and worthless as I applied and interviewed for countless companies that couldn't appreciate my awesomeness. I felt misunderstood by my husband who wasn't the right kind of sympathetic to my feelings of not having a job, and missing my family, and feeling like America wasn't the place for me. Like always I had body issues because unlike I planned at the start of the year, I didn't loose 60 lbs.
This year, I know things won't go swimmingly. I mean, where would be the fun in that right. Imagine, you want something to happen...and it does! Sounds boring. The one thing I've learnt from 2013 is that I will survive (Gloria Gaynor style). I have the most wonderful family and friends who I can lean on. My mum is always there at the end of the phone or my computer screen. My best friends can overlook their own issues to support me and drag me out of my dark moments. I'm healthy and fortunate to have a husband who loves me and at present is the only one bringing home any kind of bacon. I have an awesome puppy who accepts the fact that I don't always allow her on the bed but still jumps up when I'm feeling low and want a cuddle.
I know 2014 isn't going to be easy and it might not necessarily be better. I have my list of things I want to change. Resolutions if you will. I know that they might not all happen and certainly not necessarily how I would want them to but I'm prepared for the disappointment. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
