I feel like your twenties are the most special and complicated time of a persons life. Of course, my assessment of this statement is limited to the meager twenty-nine years I've been on this planet but regardless, it's been a complicated decade.
I remember being sixteen and dreaming of a future that seemed so full of possibilities and full of perfections. By eighteen those dreams might not have panned out as perfectly as I'd hoped but the determination and confidence that they could had not waned. I was excited to reach my twenties, specifically 21. What's so special about that birthday anyway? I already had a key to the door. Of course, I was young, slim and already in love with the man I would one day marry. I felt like life wasn't perfect but I could still make my dreams come true.
I suppose the next big birthday was 25. Which I imagine to be the first slap in a six part series of birthday face slaps. 25-Slap. 30-Slap. 35-Slap. 40-Slap. 47-Slap. 50-Slap. After fifty, if my mother is anything to go by, you stop sweating the small stuff and start making up your own rules. My twenty-fifth birthday however was the very best of my life thus far. I had my wonderful family, childhood friends, two birthday cakes and the man I loved. And lot's of alcohol. Still, despite being my favorite birthday, twenty-five starts the slap series because it blatantly reminds you that your twenties are half way over. And no, try as you might, you cannot turn it into a glass half full "you're only half way in" outlook.
Another reason twenty five is the first slap in the birthday series is because you'll quickly come to discover that your body doesn't quite recover the same way from alcohol. Long gone are the days of downing vodka red bulls whilst grinding with your girlfriends in your hooker heels. Only to wake up the next day, grab a McDonald's breakfast and head to your six hour shift in retail hell. No, twenty five is the year that your body turns on you. Starts to remind you that you're not going to be young and attractive forever. You're as young as you feel becomes your daily mantra but you can't fight the hormones. The ones that make you go mushy inside when a baby locks eyes with you in the grocery store and you feel like he can see straight into your vacant womb and hear the cries of your aging unfertilized eggs. So being smart you fight the urge with a puppy and it works. For awhile. So you get a second puppy. And your family just start asking when the kids are going to arrive and then that friend casually whispers the words infertility & problems over lunch. And before you know it you're wondering how an accidental pregnancy hasn't happened in the last ten years...Okay, I cannot deny I was off on a tangent there for awhile. I apologize.
The point. I don't know how I feel about turning thirty. I thought I could get excited by working on a thirty before thirty list but then I realized I'd just be left feeling disappointed and unaccomplished if I didn't complete it. And frankly, I've felt that way too much during my twenties. I'm also mourning the fact that it will be the first milestone birthday that I won't be able to spend with my best friends back in England. I have made some terrific friends here in Alabama but I just always assumed I'd spend my thirtieth birthday with the same ladies who helped me see in 16,18,21,25 and so many birthdays in between. I won't be there with them to celebrate on their days either.
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| My 25th birthday- starting the BBQ off right with some shots! |
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| Shadi's 21st birthday. |
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| Susana's 27th birthday. |
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| Charlotte's 26th birthday. |
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| My 21st birthday-three divas hogging the mic! |
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| My 21st birthday- couldn't think of better girls to dance barefoot with! |
2015 is going to be a tough year for me, both my parents turn 60. My nephew and eldest niece turn 10. These are all special birthdays that I won't be able to enjoy, not without some serious money and vacation time, neither of which I have. This year will likely be the year I sit down and consider applying for Naturalization but it's also the year that will likely cause me to question my move altogether.
Whilst in a long distance relationship with the husband, I felt the overwhelming desire to be in two places at once. If only I could knit our two worlds together. Now that the husband and I are finally together, I still feel the same way for the people I love back home. I'm not sure it's a feeling that can ever be reconciled.
3 comments:
You handled 25 much better than I did. I freaked out that I was getting OLD! 30 was actually a great birthday for me. 40 was a BLAST and 50 was AWESOME! I hope this is a great year for you. I understand how you feel about your heart being divided. Living away from loved ones doesn't get any easier and it will be 10 years for us this year.
I have two different responses to this! :) First, turning 30 is awesome. I turned 30 here in the States, and had an amazing birthday and a generally wonderful feeling about life. Even after everything that has happened, I still feel that way,and my thirties have so far been really great for me as a person. Circumstantially not so much but in terms of feeling comfortable and strong in my own skin, it's been a real joy to find I actually kind of like being me.
As regards the naturalization, I'm with you. Missing weddings, big birthdays, and the birth of my best friend's first child have really hit me as to how much you simply aren't a part of, even though you're missed. I get the reflection on what you're doing here in the first place, I really do.
The empty womb, though? Not so much. I'm not sure whether I'm just not wired in the same way as a lot of women, but I don't feel a huge pull to have babies. I never have. I love kids and find babies amazing (especially when made in love), but my biological clock just doesn't seem to tick at me. The hangover thing though? Oh yes. Please wait for your first two-day hangover - a new and fun thing for your thirties! ;) xx
I think because I was so young when I moved it didn't have such an emotional roller coaster as you're having. I was 18 ready and excited for college and college was pretty much all that was on my mind. I missed family but i didn't really understand love for family or for anything at that age. I was an only child so I didn't have siblings or nieces and nephews to miss.
I truly hope some day soon your mind allows you to be 100% at peace with it all.
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