Sherms In The Middle

This is where my life currently stands.

Adam has left.

Originally, I was all for him going. The idea of him staying here and my constantly being worried that something else might happen to him overwhelmed the emotional side of me that was going to miss her husband. Adams older brother passed away a few years ago in a car accident. The fear of having to one day call his mother and tell her that something serious had happened to him, the pain, was too much. I knew that the common sense thing was for us to move to the US. He hadn't been able to find work. I had to drop out of school to work. He was never happy living in a city like London and we hadn't had any good luck. But oh my goodness is it hard without him. I keep hearing these song lyrics in my head "my life would suck without you". I think it's Kelly Clarkson but I can't be sure. All I know is that my life without Adam pretty much sucks. It really hit me the night before and I started asking him to stay, which of course I knew he couldn't...but it didn't stop me from asking. I took him to the airport and I can't explain how sick I felt. I literally felt and (still do) like something had been ripped out from the depths of me. To say I feel hollow is an understatement. I don't find much pleasure in my life here now. The one thing that does bring me some measure of joy is spending time with my nieces and nephew. Though when watching Shark Tale with my nephew he said "If Uncle Adam were here he'd know what kind of fish that is". Which of course, my husband, Mr discovery channel would.

It's not that this long distance relationship thing is new to us. Its not. We spent the majority of our relationship living apart, it's just that after I've been living and breathing him for the past two years, how do I go back to being me before?
When we got married, we said that we wouldn't be apart again. And I understand life happens and plans change but it's difficult to tell that to the 23 year old marrying the man she loved from across the ocean. Then it seemed like the biggest challenge to us, the Atlantic, was defeated and there would be no reason to ever be apart again. But life happens. Plans change.

So for now, our plans are for me to go there. US immigration is a whole other kettle of fish to UK immigration. I've joined the online support groups and we kind of have a handle on the process. Just taking it all one day at a time because we have a long wait ahead. Immigration doesn't happen over night. It is hard though, I miss Adam so much. He has a car and he's got a job lined up and he's joined the gym. Of course, his mom is happy to have him back. And he has his dog. He enjoys being in the woods rather than the city. And I struggle because whilst I'm happy that he likes where he is and that things are going to plan, I'm just so torn up that he's not here. The difference I feel in having him here to support me is immense. I know that we're not going to be apart forever but right now, the six months it will take for my visa to be approved might as well be six years. I suppose you can say that I'm struggling a little.