It's been a few days since I've posted. I've thought about posting but then something gets in the way or I forget what I wanted to blog about. I'm useless, usually I just type it into my phone to look at later but sometimes my "great ideas" go as swiftly as they arrive.
At the moment, I'm currently suffering from that ailment called a "hangover" though I'm still not 100% sure whether my current health condition is down to the wine or the chilli curly fries. I'm still gonna try and blame the chilli curly fries for as long as possible. I didn't think I drank that much but Adam told me today that I sounded real drunk when I called him last night. Which doesn't take too much for me. I don't go out drinking or dancing very much at all anymore. This week will be the first time in a long time and I've plans for Friday and Saturday too.
So, due to my current state of health, this shall be a picture post. I'm just too lazy and tired to write. Yes, my brain is still fuzzy!
Hanging out with my niece on Mothers Day. She's such a cheeky little madam! She has to be the tallest five year old I've ever met.
These two rugrats came over for a sleepover. And I just love watching them interact. She has a little bit of a shiner after getting into a fight with her brother a couple days back. She threw something and missed, he threw it back and hit her. Let's just say they won't be doing that again, they got a good talkin to and DSi consoles were taken away! lol!
My Nephew celebrated his 6 birthday this week. It was just a family affair and it was a nice evening. I was in FL when he was born, he arrived late and I'd already booked my ticket. Its a little upsetting to think that this could be my last birthday with him for awhile. But he enjoyed his day. My mum gave him this original Disney Peter Pan Lithograph, he's a big fan of Hook!
This is some of my family. We don't all get together often enough now because "life" gets in the way. But we do try and make an effort to go for a meal together once a month, which is usually a birthday round up. April alone we have 5 birthdays, it is an expensive month when you add Mothers Day into the mix.
Out with friends from work for a few glasses of wine last night. I had a really good time. Actually leaving the house and having a laugh with good people is most certainly necessary from time to time.
On the whole I'm feeling so much better than I was a few weeks back, I still have sad moments where I feel like I'll never get through this trial. But those moments are much rarer.
So for now, I am still...
There is a personality trait I posses that always bites me in the bum. I am too trusting and I give people the benefit of the doubt. It is something about me that drives Adam crazy and regularly provides him with the opportunity to say, I told you so. Also, I am too forgiving of individuals who abuse my trust or hurt me. I know this about myself and still I struggle to change it, to be the person who is cautious or says no, not again. My husband trusts very few people, I would say that I would be one of perhaps five people he has ever really trusted in his life. I feel that whilst I might trust too easily he withholds trust until he fully knows who they are. Upon meeting someone he trusts only that they will "eat, sleep, crap and breathe", his words, not mine. He is the master of never forgetting and holding onto the pain someone has caused him, no matter how long ago. I regularly comment on how we are opposites and this is just another case in point. I hope that when we have children they will be in the middle of our polar opposites because if that happens they will be the most well rounded children to ever exist.
Whilst I am not less trusting of people, I am more cautious of what I share with them. For example, I don't share my relationship troubles with friends anymore because I have learnt the hard way that sometimes they can throw your hurt and pain back in your face. I have also come to learn that my relationship with my husband is sacred and between us, if he is annoying the crud out of me, I'll just say it to him. I know in our relationship I've made mistakes and I am still learning what it means to me a wife, which of course is even harder when we're living apart.
I asked Adam tonight what being a husband means to him, he said:
Bringing home the bacon
Being less of an ass
And of course...
LOL! Simples! I'm not sure what being a wife means to me, what I think a wife should be. Primarily, to support my husband. To be the one person he knows without a doubt will always be there, will always be on his team. I know that we still have a way to travel in terms of discovering our roles in our married life. When we were here and Adam was out of work, it was extremely difficult for him to be unable to fulfil, what is for him, a primary role of a husband.
I like the little footprints above, it reminds me of one of my favourite poems; Footprints in the Sand. The Lord replied "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you"
Some time back my Mother in Law gifted me with a copy of 3:16 by Max Lucado which is all about John 3:16. One of my favourite biblical verses, it should be posted on my list of things I like. I began reading it when she first gave it to me but failed to continue with the daily devotionals. Recently I picked it off my bookshelf, along with my Bible and I have begun to read it again. I've also been looking at the website of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, inspired by Hannah Explains It All words. It's a new and refreshing perspective that I haven't experienced before and I enjoyed exploring the website.
I found one text that I could relate to one hundred percent, Waiting on the Road to Damascus. I feel like I am waiting for the heavens to open, waiting for God to talk to me directly so that I know what to believe and have faith in. John 20:29 says, "Do you believe because you see me? How happy are those who believe without seeing me!"
I don't know when I realised that I had a crisis of faith, I think I only really acknowledged it when I was ready to admit that I wanted to change. That I want to have a relationship with Christ. I was raised Methodist and when I was younger we went to Church regularly, though back then I did see it more as a chore. It wasn't until I was in high school that I actually began looking closely at my faith, by then I was in Catholic school and was exposed mainly to Catholicism. I went to a Catholic college and had the same experience. If I'm honest, I don't think I've found the right Church. I think that Church should be about more than just turning up on the Sunday, it should be a aide in living your life a certain way. I don't want my religion to be something I pick up and drop off at the Church door each Sunday. And of course, these things don't change over night but I'm on the road to change which is better than where I was before!
I didn't leave the house today, well barely, I went out the back to stop some kid breaking down the fence (a story for another day). I had every intention of making the most of the sunshine and going for a stroll in the park but by the time I got all of the things around the house done, I just couldn't be bothered. Tomorrow, I shall be venturing out. Going to work and I'm having my niece and nephew stay the weekend, we shall be watching "Surfs Up" amongst other cartoons.
I'm gonna finish this up with five things I love most in my room;
1) My book shelf and collection. I refuse to leave any of these books behind when I move, which is the main reason I'm gonna have to ship boxes. For right now, my books are my babies.
2) My elephants. I have a thing for elephants and I have a little collection, some I've purchased and some are gifts from Adam and his mom. For my valentines day gift he is carving me an elephant, which he's almost finished. I've told him not to send it but to give it to me when I see him next, I'd hate for it to be damaged in the mail.
3) My Salvador Dali, Reflection of Elephants print. Again, my obsession with Elephants but I also think it's magnificent. I feel like every time I look at it, I notice something new.
4) My laptop for bring the world to my fingertips!
5) My abundance of photo frames filled with pictures of the people I love!
Life has been a little dull lately. With each passing day I'm finding it more and more difficult to feel motivated or enthusiastic about anything. I'm having a difficult time which mainly stems from not having a job and struggling to get by financially. There have been so many changes in the last year and it's so difficult to constantly roll with the punches, I feel like I'm getting beat up by Mike Tyson.
Of course, I have no option but to keep trying. Though for a few days I did get into the funk of not getting out of my PJ's, which is never a good look.
Summer is on the way, the weather over here is actually quite nice sometimes and I always feel guilty that I don't get out of the house and enjoy it more. I am a homebody and being alone at home is always pleasurable for me but once in awhile it's nice to go out and enjoy myself. Which is hard because my closet friends don't live in London anymore, I do hang out with a couple people from work which is nice. Just spontaneous drinks after work and a chat, reminds me that I am human and allows me to maintain my social life that is hanging by a thread.
Whilst I like looking to the future when my immigration process is over and I can be with Adam again, I constantly have to remind myself that, that's in the future. For now I have to concentrate on getting myself together. Getting a good job so I can pay bills and save. Focusing on things that will be helpful for my personal growth and development. I just don't know where to turn, how to get on the first rung of the ladder. Sometimes I really don't like that life doesn't come with a map or a tour guide.
I've also become accustomed to staying up until the early hours of the morning. I used to hate it when Adam was here and he'd stay up until 3am and then wake me when he got into bed. Or he;s go out at 4am for a walk and I'd wake up, find him gone and start worrying. I never understood then how horrible it is to have nothing to do. To not have a job that you're waking up for the next morning. Whilst I'm not completely out of work, I get a few hours a week, not having a full time job does not suit my personality. I need to be busy. I need a job that is demanding. Whilst I'm a homebody, I don't like sitting around all day looking for jobs with nowhere to go. Maybe I'm a walking contradiction, I don't know. I'd like to go to work all day and then come home and relax. The comfort and privacy of my home, a sanctuary if you will.
I haven't worked out yet this week, again my motivation has disappeared. I haven't told Adam yet because it's so typically me to get bored of working out. I don't like doing it at home alone though, if I could afford the gym and classes at the gym, I'd be there all the time. Also, I enjoy playing tennis, I just don't have anyone to play with.
I feel like my entries have a depressing theme to them. This is a difficult time in my life, one that I've not faced before but I can be certain it won't be the only difficult phase in my life. I have to learn to get through this. "Just Keep Swimming"
So, once again I will try and end this entry with five things that I'm happy, excited, thankful about;
1) my Sex & the City 2 rental arrived and I can finally watch it!
2) talking to my husband tonight will surely cheer me up
3) my niece and nephew are staying this weekend
4) it is not my day to wash the dishes
5) the sun is shining!
I'm watching You've Got Mail whilst I write this post. I do love that movie, Meg Ryan is on my top ten list of actresses. French Kiss wins over You've Got Mail though, I think Kevin Kline is just wonderful.
Work today was incredibly busy and I'm certain tomorrow will be the same, for some reason Mothers Day is always crazy. Father's Day, not so much! lol! Wonder why?!
On the way to work two young girls stopped me and asked me to sign a petition they were sending to the Prime Minister. There were a group of kids outside the police station holding a protest with the goal of stopping racism. Their complaint being that the local police are racist. Now, I didn't get to have much of a conversation with them because I was waiting on my bus to work but I did ask them why they feel the police are racist. The problem she had experienced was that a caretaker at a Church wouldn't allow her to use the bathroom and when she complained to the police they wouldn't do anything. Of course, a Church isn't a public building. And in my neighbourhood most Churches stay closed except for when services are held, no longer can you claim "sancutary" at one in the morning.
Perhaps I should start by saying, I didn't sign their petition. To assume that because I'm black I'll be happy to jump on any bandwagon about racism is in itself a prejudice. Do I think that racism doesn't exist, of course not. I've experienced it myself, most notably a little something that people call "reverse racism". Because it's a black person being racist to a white person. That is ridiculous, racism is racism. There is no forwards or reverse or sideways or upside downs about it. Of couse, I do believe there is a difference between an ignorant individual and institionalised racism which is slowly on the decline. Being in London with Adam we've had plenty of comments from ignorant individuals who don't believe in mixing races, I mean REALLY! But there is a difference between those people and laws saying that we can't be together.
In regard to young people in my area, they are little sh*ts! I know you can't tar everyone with the same brush, my brother is only 16. The difference is, my mum would beat his butt if he was hanging around on the street at 10pm. They have these areas throughout my neighbourhood where they disperse groups of kids under 16 after 8pm. Most shops have signs where they only allow 2 kids inside at a time. Maybe there is a new form of discrimination where people tar all kids with the same brush, the good and the bad. Kids aren't trusted these days because they're the first ones to rob you. Knife crime is ridiculous in London. Most people won't step in when someone is being attacked, simply because you don't know. It's the "cool" thing to be a little punk and I just don't understand why. I don't understand why parents aren't more concerned about where their kids are in the evenings. Why they don't care how they're doing in school. Why they don't care to know how their friends are. I do 100% blame the parents because a child can only be the person you raise them to be. What you expose them to determines who they become.
I suppose I should get off my soap box, I'm starting to sound like my FIL. His Facebook page is all about how Obama is ruining America, I receive daily emails about his discontentment. Though at the moment his main rant is all about the UN. Adam calls me a communist and my FIL calls me a socialist.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day in the UK, so I'm getting ready to spoil my mum. Hopefully it'll be a nice family affair tomorrow. I've purchased a book she wanted from Amazon and a Bobble Off. Might not be traditional but there are four other kids who I'm sure shall be buying some flowers.
So I shall end by saying HAPPY UK MOTHERs DAY to all the mommas out there!
