Just Keep Swimming

Life has been a little dull lately. With each passing day I'm finding it more and more difficult to feel motivated or enthusiastic about anything. I'm having a difficult time which mainly stems from not having a job and struggling to get by financially. There have been so many changes in the last year and it's so difficult to constantly roll with the punches, I feel like I'm getting beat up by Mike Tyson. 

Of course, I have no option but to keep trying. Though for a few days I did get into the funk of not getting out of my PJ's, which is never a good look.

Summer is on the way, the weather over here is actually quite nice sometimes and I always feel guilty that I don't get out of the house and enjoy it more. I am a homebody and being alone at home is always pleasurable for me but once in awhile it's nice to go out and enjoy myself. Which is hard because my closet friends don't live in London anymore, I do hang out with a couple people from work which is nice. Just spontaneous drinks after work and a chat, reminds me that I am human and allows me to maintain my social life that is hanging by a thread. 

Whilst I like looking to the future when my immigration process is over and I can be with Adam again, I constantly have to remind myself that, that's in the future. For now I have to concentrate on getting myself together. Getting a good job so I can pay bills and save. Focusing on things that will be helpful for my personal growth and development. I just don't know where to turn, how to get on the first rung of the ladder. Sometimes I really don't like that life doesn't come with a map or a tour guide. 

I've also become accustomed to staying up until the early hours of the morning. I used to hate it when Adam was here and he'd stay up until 3am and then wake me when he got into bed. Or he;s go out at 4am for a walk and I'd wake up, find him gone and start worrying. I never understood then how horrible it is to have nothing to do. To not have a job that you're waking up for the next morning. Whilst I'm not completely out of work, I get a few hours a week, not having a full time job does not suit my personality. I need to be busy. I need a job that is demanding. Whilst I'm a homebody, I don't like sitting around all day looking for jobs with nowhere to go. Maybe I'm a walking contradiction, I don't know. I'd like to go to work all day and then come home and relax. The comfort and privacy of my home, a sanctuary if you will. 

I haven't worked out yet this week, again my motivation has disappeared. I haven't told Adam yet because it's so typically me to get bored of working out. I don't like doing it at home alone though, if I could afford the gym and classes at the gym, I'd be there all the time. Also, I enjoy playing tennis, I just don't have anyone to play with. 


I feel like my entries have a depressing theme to them. This is a difficult time in my life, one that I've not faced before but I can be certain it won't be the only difficult phase in my life. I have to learn to get through this. "Just Keep Swimming"

So, once again I will try and end this entry with five things that I'm happy, excited, thankful about;

1) my Sex & the City 2 rental arrived and I can finally watch it!
2) talking to my husband tonight will surely cheer me up
3) my niece and nephew are staying this weekend
4) it is not my day to wash the dishes
5) the sun is shining!