I don't really have a name for this entry

 

Its been a really long time since i've updated in journal land. I had over 100 alerts, I tried to catch up but failed miserably. The pressure to catch up just got to me and I deleted them all, I will try and read past entries when I visit your journals, but I hope yall can forgive me. If i'm missed anything vital, please email me and direct me to where you want me to read.

 

I'm not sure if it's just because its that special time of the month or if its because i'm so very stressed, maybe both, but i'm really having a hard time right now. Have to force myself to hold back the tears. It seems to just be constantly one thing or another. I'm forced to question why some people have it so much easier than others, why some of us have to work so much harder to have things that others take for granted?

 

I know there's always someone worse off and I know that there are thousands of people who would do anything to have what I have. But really, I try, I try every single day of my life to make the best decisions. Not only for myself but for those around me too.

 

I'm not terribly special and I don't doubt for a second that the best things in my life, that will ever be in my life, are my family and Adam. And I try to appreciate them every day and be thankful for the blessing of love that God has given me. I know what's important in life.

 

But it seems all over the world that there are those who struggle to get by financially and those who seem to have it all made. True, some people work damn hard to get what they have. But at the same time, I know people who've worked all their life any job they can find to put food on the table and keep a roof over their families head. People who are always kind and loving and funnily enough, ready to give what little they have to help others out.

 

Its generally believed that moneydoesn't bring you happiness, can't bring you love. Not sure if that's true or not. But I do know that you won't be happy for very long if you loose your home or if you can't afford to feed and clothe your children.

 

I don't come from a rich family. I don't know if i'd call us middle class, like so many others we live pay cheque to pay cheque and struggle to get by. I think perhaps if I lived in a two parent home, two incomes would make a great difference, but as it is we get by.

 

I suppose i'm just really frustrated with my financial circumstances right now. I'm studying two academic courses and working as many hours as they'll give me to pay for school. And help out my mum whenever and wherever possible. But it still isn't enough. I know when I get back from seeing Adam i'll have to get a second job. Maybe some bar work, something I can do in the evenings.

 

And before I get any hate mail like some jlanders do about using their money in wiser ways, Adam paid the majority of my ticket because we haven't seen each other in six months. I know that if it wasn't for him i'd be insane and would probably have fled the country and changed my name. Either that or i'd be doing something I really wouldn't want to be doing.

 

I guess i'm just really frustrated because so much pressure is being put on me by my journalism school to pay the fees and i went for lunch today with a girl on my course who's just decided to quit. £3,200 down the drain. But I don't suppose it matters to her because her parents paid for the course and they must obviously have the money to waste. Even if my mum had paid for the course, there's no way she'd let me quit. She sit in those classes with me and made sure I did the work. To some people, that might not be a lot of money, but to me it is. And it drives me crazy because I know if I don't pay it, I can be kicked off the course and made to pay anyway.

 

We've had two people in our class give up and leave and it frustrates me so much because I want to do this course more than anything, this is the career I want, but because of financial reasons I might not be able to do it. Its just terribly distressing.

 

This girl I was talking to today just seems to have no idea what the real world is about. She's never worked in her life, 23 and never worked! Ever since I started working at 17 i've been buying everything I need. Her parents give her money and do everything for her. I've known people like that and still do. People who've never had to work for anything because their parents give it to them. People who don't know how to do laundry or cook or how much work you need to do before you can afford a pair of jeans. Or how guilty you feel afterwards for spending money on something that you need but doesn't feed you or keep your lights on.

 

I don't know. It just seems to suck to me. I'm not saying I want things handed to me, because if that had been the case for me, I wouldn't be who I am today. I like that I know the meaning of hard work and what it's like to struggle. But all i'm asking for is that once in a while, someone somewhere cuts me a break.

 

Who knows, maybe i've offended Him upstairs, but right here, right now, i'm asking for His help.

 

(sighs) ok, that's enough of that stuff because I refuse to cry. don't care how many times I have to stop and start this entry, but i'm not gonna cry. And its for that reason that i'm not gonna tell jland how wonderful you guys are right now and how much i love you all. how much you mean to me. because i won't be able to stop the tears.

 

I do wanna thank you all for your well wishes for Adam on the job front. He had his interview and went in for his weld test and was offered a job. His first day is today so i'm eager to hear how it went. I hope the people are nice. Last night I felt somewhat like a mother taking her child to school for the first time because I was worried that the kids there might be mean to him. I told him to tell the teacher and mommy would sort it out. he just laughed. I hope he'll be happy working there. He'll be welding more, big yay! and he'll be earning more which goes better with his plans.

 

I hope all you guys are well, thanks for stopping by. you've no idea what it means to me. so many times you guys have brought me back from the edge.