Anal Tears and Finger Fears...My Botox Story

You might remember this as part of my Day 1, 30 Day Blogging Challenge:
*I've had a botox injection before...in my anus*
I promised I would explain the story, I knew that I blogged about it and was planning to just link back to it but then I realised that I'd posted in my old blog. So I shall copy and paste any  snippets I can find of this long and embarrassing story.

Monday 26th September 2005:
...Adam's been real concerned, he doesn't like the fact that I seem to get ill quite frequently. Which I'm not 100% sure is true. I do fall ill more often than him but I think that's to be expected when he has the nice Florida sunshine and I have...grey skies and rain. Typical English weather. But last night I was telling him about a little medical problem I have, a rather painful yet highly embarrassing one. I managed, though the miracle of modern technology, to diagnose my problem online. Read up on all the symptoms, what can be done to help and decided it best to go to the doctors. But that didn't stop him from waning to know what was wrong. It's not anything serious but it's not the best topic of conversation, especially when I'm trying to remain this sexy English fox from across the water. Still, he managed to guilt trip me into telling him....It's medical term is an Anal Fissure. It's not anything serious but its not exactly hot lunch room conversation either. But it's an actual medical condition that causes pain...and boy was I in pain yesterday.

I hobbled along to the doctors office and managed wrangle myself an appointment...There have only been a handful of really embarrassingly awkward moments in my life but I would certainly put today down and at the top of the list too!

The doctor said it could be one of two things: 1) Piles (which, I don't know exactly what they are but I don't want them. My old mean German teacher had them once. She was in lots of pain and we were happy that week she was out having surgery) or 2) an Anal Fissure *see how good I am at diagnosing myself* but for him to be sure, he'd need to examine the area and perhaps insert his finger.

I have to say, that examination, though not painful, is right up there with my first full Hollywood wax (please tell me you know what a Hollywood wax is? Well, it's when they don't leave a hair anywhere. I mean, anywhere. Not back nor front nor anywhere. And I'm telling you, it's almost impossible to have a conversation with someone about your holidays and the weather when they've got their hand in an area it really shouldn't be).

He thankfully didn't probe with his finger where the sun definitely doesn't shine, and was able to confirm both his and my suspicions and medicate me accordingly. 
One of the things Adam said when I told him last night is that I need to eat more fiber. One of the things my doctor said over and over again was that I needed to eat more fiber. But when? how? I barely have the time to eat now. And I most certainly don't think about what I'm eating. It's whatever is nearest and quickest (sigh) so I'm gonna get these fiber drinks the doctor man recommended, a kinda short cut to regular bowel movements. And I guess until everything's back to normal, I won't be prancing around the place like a monkey but trying to take things slow.

Oh, have to tell you. There was one point when I laughed in my doctors face. He said that he thought I could be lacking fluids and need to drink more water, because a lack of fluids can make your stools really hard and compressed. Could make them like a brick. Now, I'm not sure how many of you have heard of this expression, but I realised that it's true. A person can "shit bricks". It's rather painful but totally possible.

Saturday 8th October 2005:
...I didn't go to work today cause this whole butt situation isn't completely healed. It took a week for the pharmacy to get the cream the doctor prescribed, I went there during the week and they took my telephone number and said they'd call when it came in. How convenient that when I called them, it had just come in that morning- I wasn't buying it for a second!

The directions on the box call for me to apply it twice daily both inside and around the area. What!? I said to Adam, ain't no way my fingers going up there. He's telling me that I should just put a glove on and stick it up there, else I can't expect it to heal properly. Eek! I don't wanna do it but tonight I'm gonna be assuming the position and violating myself in ways that are painful to just think about.

OMGosh! I almost forgot. I was in so much pain yesterday and my friend asked me what was wrong. It is embarrassing but I bit the bullet and told her that I have an anal tear. Guess what she said: "Oh my god, you freaky girl!" I don't think I have to tell you what she thought I was getting up to!

I can't find anymore entries, every time I go through looking for more I end up reading my old posts and thinking about all the time that has gone by. I shall just write the rest myself.

Adam coined the term "franken-butt" as in Frankenstein. It's odd to think that this originally started back in 2005 because it's been a constant annoyance in the back of my mind since then. When I first had the fissure, I changed my diet and I was so much more conscious of what I ate. I tried creams and suppositories to fix the problem but it didn't help. Most days all I could do was take pain killers and lay in bed. I wouldn't be able to use the bathroom without running a bath beforehand so I could go right from the toilet to soaking in the tub. I always had the strongest painkillers possible but nothing helped. I can't remember how many months later it was but I was finally referred to the hospital. The NHS waiting list is long but I was scheduled for surgery in 2006, about a month before I went to Florida for the Summer. That was when I had the botox shot. The idea was that the tear couldn't heal properly because each time I used the bathroom, it would open up again. And the muscle would spasm, which is what would cause most of the pain. 
I will tell you that it worked, however last year I went back into hospital to have some hemorrhoids removed. Again, it was a long period of pain and going back and forth to the doctor before I was even referred to the hospital. I had a lot of time away from work and tried a lot of over the counter treatments including a local anesthetic. 
I've had an endoscopy, which included an enema beforehand. It was the most horrid experience of my life. They preformed it before the hemorrhoids were removed and I didn't get any kind of help with the pain. They've checked for any possible causes for these problems but for now it just seems like I'm unlucky. I avoid eating foods that I know I have a reaction to and I'm always aware of how much water I drink and how often I use the toilet, which might sound odd to most people.  So there is my long botox story. But whether it was in my face or in my anus, I've had botox. I'm right up there with those real housewives!